Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

So the trip was good overall. It was great to see my family, but managing S by myself away from home was exhausting to say the least. His first plane ride overall went well. He was a little scared on the take off but fell asleep for the rest. Unfortunately thru out the trip, S was in terrible 2's stubborn mode, so we had constant battles about everything. My grandma lives on a farm, so S had a blast tho being outside and seeing all the animals. H texted several times to see how the trip was/how S was. I was carefull not keep my phone glued on me, so we really only would have a brief text conversation each night before bed to respond to his S questions. On the last night, he sent a text that said something about me ignoring him. I was totally like "What???" since I had at least responded each night about S. He said he sent that text accidently and that it was from the other night (I'm guessing the 2nd night when I was talking to my cousin and didn't end up gong to bed til almost 2, so I didn't respond to H til then). This was then followed by "sometimes I miss you". I just responsed back (don't know if good or bad idea) "miss u too. good nite".

The problem with these situations, is that you always 2nd guess the situation. Originally I just took it for what it was, but then I started questioning, well maybe the "ignoring text" was meant for OW3, but was accidentially sent to me. Although I suppose possible, does it really make since that a text from the other night would be sent days later? Was it just stuck in his drafts? Is OW3 ignoring him now (or at least not being as responsive)? Obviously I don't know anything about the situation anymore & am probably jumping to conclusions, but it does make one think. Also, if he is telling the truth and also misses me, then why are we still in this stupid limbo land?!

This weekend was very eye opening in a sense. I saw my two cousins (one w/ his wife and the other with her financee) and they both have partners who are equally loving, giving, and supportive. It's encourging that there are good people out there, but discouraging to me that I don't have one of them. In complete opposite, I watched my aunt and uncle who have an awful, basically verbally abusive R. It was so ackward just being in the car with them. They did their "big fights" behind closed doors, but the constant snide comments and attacks were just so uncomfortable to be around. I don't want that kind of R whatsoever, but I can see some similarities with my uncle and H, so that's slightly scary.

So once I got home yesterday, H texted to see how the flight was/how S did/etc. I gave him the update. Later that night he followed up again to see how S was doing. We were both exhausted, so I told him that, and he offered to come give me a backrub later this week. I didn't respond right away, so H texts back a little later "or not". At that point, I let him know that no, that would be nice to have a backrub. Then today, he texted to see how my first day back went. I don't know. It's just all so confusing. On my side, I'm not really having an R with him anymore and I feel as distant as ever from him (especially as compared to how close I felt with him right before the OW3 blowout). He still continues to pursue an R with me, but for what point? He obviously is not making any moves to actually move forward with me or even show any good will to do so in the future (I still don't even know where he lives!!! How's that for starters!). Overall, I'm just feeling very frustrated with the sitch. I'm frustrated that he keeps trying to keep a connection with me but yet I still have no idea where he stands. I just want some resolution here. I know you can't push R talkes, but I just want some answers! I think if I am patient just a bit longer tho, either the answers will come or I can push for a resolution. I just know I don't want to go thru another "fake" christmas again, so one way or another, I want something figured out before then. So I don't know, it's just hard to know what to do anymore. Here's some possible, senarios:

1) continue having limited converstations with H by being responsive but not initiating contact (or very limited amounts). I feel like this is a little dead b/c it keeps the R on life support, but does nothing to move the R forward & if anything, makes me feel more distant

2) go back to being talkative, loving, and supportive. While it worked wonders to bring H into me (seemingly), if despite all that, he still pursured OW3, what's the point?

3) ???