Personally, I'd deal with it as you suggest. "Good" Done.
I wanted to metion how I see something you wrote earlier.
Originally Posted By: FaithnAK
I just need to let her know in anyway I can that I'm moving on without her. Not sitting back and waiting for her to make a move. She's made a choice, I've been dumped, but Life goes on. Sucks but I will stay the course. I also know that I will find someone that will be a better mate than her. Regardless of my shortcomings I will be a better mate than before
I just want to point out some "self-talk sabotage" The stuff I struck through is not necessary to say or, worse, THINK.
I understand it's difficult. We all havr a tough time shifting the focus from THEM to US. At this point, she is making it all about her. Change it up, man. Once she makes the choice she has, it's no longer about her EXCEPT TO HER.
It's time for FaithnAK. See the BOLD stuff.
That is your target. And, to do this, you have to begin by shifting the focus from blame/guilt on you (you didn't make the choice-SHE DID) and the mini-pity party (sucks, etc) and reframe this as an opportunity to be free from HER issues (trust me, you were affected) and begin to be that better mate.
You do that, regardless of who the next mate will be, and it will icrease the odds that she looks around to see where you went.
What did you not like about your behaviour in the relationship? How did she change you? Did you let her change you? Why? These are things you need to address.
Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? Way of the Superior Man? Love Languages?
Start with snooping about them on the web.
This is actually ALL about you. If you don't change FOR YOUR SAKE, she'll see no reason to look back at you. But it has to be motivated By you and FOR you.
Do it for her and it's not real. To you or her.
Distract yourself by looking inside rather than out at her.
It's been working for me.
And I always snoop around other threads just to see what others are learning and hearing. You'll see that the people making the progress are barely even concerned with their spouses. We talk about them but it's more about detaching from their emotional strings.
Keep going. It's a long trip, man. But SO worth it.
Hello CD,
Thank you for your response. I so agree with you on that self pity talk. I was really super depressed this past weekend and just wrote it out that way.
No More Mr. Nice Guy, Superior Man, and Hold on to your NUTs has changed my whole viewpoint and pretty much nailed everything I did wrong. Right now, I'm trying so hard to gain my dignity and self respect back. I also feel a need to be showing change and one of my problems is this texting bs. I'm willing to communicate with her not "as if", but I am moving on. Part of me is saying just ignore her, but then the other part of me says "idiot that's what you've been doing for 3 years"
Also, I'd like to say that about 3 weeks ago I was taking any contact I could get, but now I want more or nothing at all.
I'm definitely taking steps for me, because I have no choice but to better myself and it works. I feel a lot better after my downer this last weekend and just realize that I have to create my boundaries so I can successfully detach. However, I still love my W and I'm trying to fix that part I screwed up on which in a nutshell was neglect because of the "little boy" in me.
We all hear you on the toughness of coming back to the empty house. My tougher wknds are the ones where I don't have my kiddos and the best thing I've found for me is to GAL my ass off. The more social your GALing can be, the better you will feel and the faster time will pass. Maximize your time out of the house and when you are home have some sort of home improvement project you can turn to as a constructive distraction.
If you can't find some friends to hook up with you on a given day, look up a meetup (meetup.com) in your area. I've done a few of them and they can be fun activities right up your alley where you can make additional friends.
Or if you are not exercising, drop and give me 20 each time the self-pity or wallow vibe sets in. If you don't have a home gym you could buy a few dumbbells and extend your home workout opportunities if your mind is playing tricks on you in the early AM or late PM when you can't get to your regular gym (you are getting to your regular gym, right?).
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I'm SLOWLY getting a life. I'm just taking it day by day. I have plans this weekend, so a repeat of last shouldn't happen. I agree with the social aspect of GAL, I've pretty much cut off my drinking buddies and really haven't tried to go and look for new friends. Maybe that meetup group would be worth checking on. Thanks for the idea.
I'm going to start painting my house next week. All this week I have to be at work til late, so when I go back to my normal schedule next week, I'm going to start painting. It's got to help with the atmosphere I would think.
The GYM is hit and miss. Every time I go I feel great, but definitely needs to be more consistent. I'm still slipping with smoking so I'm procrastinating a bit on going every day.
Yeah, the painting should be a great activity. Physical stuff, make house look good, tangible and immediate results, makeover of ur setting to something different. I like it.
The meetup site is cool because there are so many different types of specialized activity groups you can find (I'm subscribed to ones on surfing, bowling, hiking, golfing, for example) as well as general social activity groups that do all kinds of different stuff. There's something for anyone -- I think there also are even different dog owner-oriented ones if you wanted to involve ur pooches in them. Some of this depends on whether u live in a more populated or less populated area, obviously.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I'll check out that site sometime this weekend. Thanks for the idea, sounds fun.
I texted her back last night with a simple "we're good" and rcvd a hella fast response, with "Good to Know. Is our old dog good". Responded with "Yes". Then received some same old behavior texts from her. Told her to call me if she wants to talk, I'm done texting.
She called. She's just seriously a pissed off person. Happy, Angry, Angry, happy, just back and forth. Try to be nice, but she's just pissed off. She vented on me about work and that she's sick of people, I asked if she wanted to spend more time with the dogs...she said not yet. Asked her if it was because she's avoiding me, basically a yes was received. At one point I asked if she wanted to go with me and the dogs sometime for a walk just to hear her reaction, and she said "she's not ready for that yet".
She was civil towards me, but just grumpy. Didn't feel an urge to tell her how she was feeling or try to fix as in the past. Kind of made me feel a little better about my direction, because even as crappy as this whole divorce thing is, I'm not that angry. Just tired of missing her and irritated at her lack of responsibility now.
she said not yet. Asked her if it was because she's avoiding me, basically a yes was received. At one point I asked if she wanted to go with me and the dogs sometime for a walk just to hear her reaction, and she said "she's not ready for that yet".
Stop asking her these questions that are basically an attempt (if you get a good response) to shore up your ego. Temperature checking isn't good.
In case you are wondering, cold and getting colder each time you ask.
I could write a book: "Things I did that you should not do". You think people would read it?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/25/1007:22 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
she said not yet. Asked her if it was because she's avoiding me, basically a yes was received. At one point I asked if she wanted to go with me and the dogs sometime for a walk just to hear her reaction, and she said "she's not ready for that yet".
Stop asking her these questions that are basically an attempt (if you get a good response) to shore up your ego. Temperature checking isn't good.
In case you are wondering, cold and getting colder each time you ask.
I could write a book: "Things I did that you should not do". You think people would read it?
LOL I know. I know. Just wanted to see reaction. She was pretty grumpy, so I just laughed to myself when I heard that. It was interesting to here "not yet" though, it use to be a firm "No" or "Why". It was different this time. So yes I admit I'm guilty of temperature checking.
