New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

I have Labor Day weekend coming up soon. I have decided to call W and tell her that I'll be coming up that weekend to see the boys...I do miss the boys terribly. I really want to be a better parent, even with 900 miles separating me from the boys. I figure if I show my willingness thru my actions, my W will see how serious I am to be a good parent.

Besides, there is nothing legal(divorce decree or separation agreement) that prevents me from NOT going. So I believe I have all the right to see the boys even if W and I are separated physically by 900 miles...

What if W doesn't want me to go up there to see the boys, do I still go?

Any input anyone?

JR

[JR09]

Any feedback anyone on what I wrote earlier?...

JR

[pinhead]

I think you should go, make sure she's expecting you, yada yada yada. Be firm, your sons need you.

My dad barely saw me after divorcing my mom. If I was lucky, 2 weeks a year. Not much of a relationship, and it shows... Boys need a strong masculine influence in their lives, especially after a divorce.

[JR09]

Pinhead,

Thanks so much for taking the time to give your input. Sure appreciate it. I agree with being firm(but nice.... I haven't called my W yet. Will do so next week before the Labor Day weekend...

If my W says "no, don't come", I've decided I'll still go just to show that I'm serious about seeing the boys.

Again, Thanks, Pinhead.

JR

[pinhead]

I would try and convince her that it's in the boys best interests to see you. Don't take no for an answer; use your super-persuasion skills.

[fade]

I think its a great idea to go see your boys. If I were you I would bring it up as you are coming to see your boys, and dont make it seem like you expect her to see you as well. She doesnt have to see you but she cant really keep you from seeing your sons. Maybe you can plan an activity with your sons - take them camping or fishing or let them stay with you in a hotel somewhere interesting. That will take the pressure off of her to know that you wont be up there in her space or pressuring her.

And tell her now - dont wait until a week ahead of time to bring it up.

Have you decided what to do about her car?

[JR09]

Hi Fade,

Glad to hear from you. Good advice all around about having an activity with the boys. I already made a reservation in a nearby hotel with an indoor pool. That's always a great activity.

My W got her car fixed so that's good too. I hate to see the boys somehow penalized if the car is not fixed. My W lives in the countryside at her parents' home, so without a car, the boys and her are really stuck...

Anyway, Fade, thanks for chiming in.

JR

[JR09]

I called W tonight to ask her about the boys' first day back in school. I tried to call them but have been hitting their cell phone's voicemail. So I called W. She was guarded but not mean. She asked me for two specific things: if she could use the credit card to charge something. S7 broke his prescription glasses and needed a new pair right away.

Her second question was: " I need to tell you something else..." I have to admit I thought she would bring up divorce, refiling. I prepped myself mentally for what I thought she would say because of the long pause. I told myself I'd be OK regardless if she would mention divorce.

She paused a long time then said something completely different: S11 and S7 have been afraid to sleep on their own because I told them about a scary movie when we were together on FRI 13th...She said she didn't appreciate me scaring the boys. I admitted to it and said it was all bad judgement on my part and that I was sorry.

Again, no divorce or refiling for D talk from her...Hey, that was encouraging...I ended the conversation first and said good bye. She replied good bye as well. Lately, I 've been trying something new. Instead of going dark, I decided to call here and there to try to maybe become friends again. That's a 180 from not saying anything for the past few weeks. Trying something different. The conversation was not negative. Good sign?

JR

[MichelleLT]

Good job on not getting defensive about it!!!!! I'm pretty sure she was expecting some kind of outburst from you, so good job on that!

Did you talk to her yet about labor day weekend? I also agree to do it as soon as possible.

That's funny that they are guilt tripping her about the S. I'm sure she doesn't think it's funny, but I find it very humorous.

I do see a lot of positives in your interactions. Hope that mixing it up works well for you.

[JR09]

The loneliness is hitting me hard today. Couldn't even stay in church for the whole service. Today is my oldest son's birthday. And of course I am not there. No GAL today. Now is probably the most crucial time to GAL so I don't spiral down my depression tunnel. But I don't even have any motivation or strenght to GAL.