Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[TimeHeals]

I'm doing things that just push her away.

Yep, you are holding on which is like saying you don't care how she feels.

So, I called her. And I said:

Uhh oh.

"I wanted to call and apologize to you about tonight. You told me that I was still being controlling and manipulative. I want to let you know that I see that yesterday when I was trying to delay mediation and not give you what you want, it was just a way of me controlling you and trying to get what I wanted before giving you what you asked for. That was wrong of me. You were right about me still being controlling. I see that if I would have just let you have what you wanted and set you free, only then could you come back to me if you wanted to. I am sorry for not understanding that yesterday. I know that behavior just pushes you away."

Stop this. Just LET HER GO.

Say this to yourself until you understand it:

"I get it. She doesn't love me the way a wife should love a husband, and that is not what I really want. I want a wife who actually loves me.".

That is your new mantra.