You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

So I'll wrap up the summer. Sunday we traveled back from the softball tournament. The kids were a bit antsy in the car. Nothing big. We stopped at a mini-putt about halfway and did all of the attractions.

Sunday night we dropped off D8 at a friend's house so D11 and a friend and I could see the movie "Vampires Suck." It was a bad movie and a bad choice really. There were scenes I really wouldn't want a 14-year-old to see.

Monday -- last day of summer vacation -- we went swimming at my uncle's with a co-worker's family. He has four daughters. Three around D8 and D11 so it was a good time.

Then the STBXW stuff started. She texted asking when she could pick the girls up. I texted back that I took the day off work to spend the whole day with them. I planned on keeping them for the night.

She texted back that D8 had an orientation at her school that night at 7 p.m. Was she going to go? I thought that was interesting. She didn't tell me about it until it was clear I planned on keeping them.

I toyed with just saying no. Instead, I asked D8 if she wanted to meet her new teacher. She said yes. I then asked D11 if she wanted to go. She said no.

So I texted back that D8 did want to meet her new teacher -- and so did I so we'd go to the school at 7 p.m. and D8 could go home with STBXW. The last part served my needs in a couple of ways. I did not have new shoes for D8 to wear and was going to go buy some. By just letting her go home that got me out of that. Second -- I just planned on saying hi to the new teacher and leaving. I had not seen STBXW since before the trip to South Dakota and I don't want to see her -- really ever again, but I know that's not possible.

She texted back why I wasn't bringing D11. I responded D11 doesn't want to go and I'll just take her to school in the morning.

Oh, I should have added that STBXW tried to call before every text and I didn't answer. Then she'd message. One of her texts asked why I wasn't picking up.

I basically don't like how I act around her or my tone on the phone. There's too much anger and bitterness so I'm avoiding her. I know at some point I'll have to get over that. But I'm not there yet. I didn't say any of this to STBXW. She no longer needs to know what I'm thinking.

On the way to the school, she sends a text that the orientation starts in the gym. Well, that means I'll have to spend a length of time with STBXW and I didn't want to do that. So when we got there D8 and I walked down to the gym -- she was being extremely cute -- and I walked her in to see STBXW and asked her where D11's school supplies were. STBXW said the car, so I kissed D8 goodbye and went to her car and grabbed the supplies.

Stupid me though didn't notice D11's backpack. It was black and blended in.

So I was enjoying a nice quiet evening with D11 when STBXW and D8 come over to give D11 her backpack. And STBXW walks in and looks at D11's hair and they start talking and she wants to cut D11's bangs.

And I just wanted STBXW to get the H*ll out of there. Luckily, I had D8 talking to me at a mile a minute so I didn't look at STBXW. STBXW tried to engage me a couple of times. I'm not subtle. The girls can probably tell and I know STBXW can tell that I don't want to see her or talk to her.

I'm back in the rage stage I guess. A year ago I still harbored hopes that we'd somehow get back together so I buried the anger.

Now, it's over -- or almost -- and I'm cycling back to rage. I don't want to see her. I don't want to hear her voice. I don't want to "co-parent" right now. I just want her to go the H*ll away.

D11 and I stayed up until about 9:30 p.m. talking. It was a great summer, but she has a lot of sadness. She said she doesn't talk to STBXW about the divorce because when she used to try she wouldn't say much and then change the subject.

I answer her questions. D11 feels sorry for me. In the car earlier in the day she said I needed to "get back out there."

I told her doing things is not my problem -- between my friends, activities, church group and coworkers, I'm pretty much doing things every night they aren't with me.

Still, she sees how I react when she tells me things STBXW is doing.

Man, I've got a long way to go. I was thinking about a friend who told me she finally feels back to normal 4 years after her divorce. I told her I couldn't imagine being in pain for that long.

But look at me now. I'm 18 months into this. The divorce should be done in two months and in many ways I'm a lot better, but in many ways I haven't improved at all. A lot of the things I do I do with the faintest of hopes that somehow the divorce won't happen.

And that's even realizing how bad the relationship was in the end. At my divorce group tonight I was recounting how she didn't once ask about my day, what's going on with my friends, if something was bothering me in the last five years. I didn't matter at all.

She's a full 3 to 5 years ahead of me in terms of shutting down the feelings. I have a long ways to go.