Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

I think I finally realized something true tonight that I've known but haven't accepted.

I'm not really detached, or even close. I'm still trying to control this situation.

Why? Because last night when I we talked about mediation, I just wanted her to agree to Retrouvialle before I would agree to mediation in hopes that I could delay mediation long enough to go to Retrouvaille with her.

I was trying to delay giving her what she wanted, so I could get what I wanted. I.e. - control the situation, again.

My W keeps telling me that I'm controlling and manipulative. I have somewhat agreed with her, but until I reflected tonight, I didn't really realize how bad it was. It is bad. I'm trying to hold on to the idea of fixing this so badly that I'm doing things that just push her away.

So, I called her. And I said:

"I wanted to call and apologize to you about tonight. You told me that I was still being controlling and manipulative. I want to let you know that I see that yesterday when I was trying to delay mediation and not give you what you want, it was just a way of me controlling you and trying to get what I wanted before giving you what you asked for. That was wrong of me. You were right about me still being controlling. I see that if I would have just let you have what you wanted and set you free, only then could you come back to me if you wanted to. I am sorry for not understanding that yesterday. I know that behavior just pushes you away."

She replied to me with, "Thanks, but I don't want you to say something just because it's what you think I want to hear."

I said, "It's not. It's what I feel. That's why I called you, not to argue about this, but just to tell you that you were right. That's it."

She says, "You realizing this just kind of adds insult to injury."

I validated, told her I could see that point completely. I replied with, "I know it does, but I wanted you to know that how you felt was right. I see that now."

She said she appreciated the call, that it meant something to her, but she then said, "You can't just say you're going to change this and not do it, you've said that before."

I told her, "I didn't say I was going to change that. I've said that before, you're right. But saying it means nothing. I just have to do it."

She warmed up. She said she really appreciated the apology that it really meant something to her. That she was happy I told her that.... that it made her feel better even though she was still angry.