Another story of a WH and an LBS

[gatsby11]

Hi Gatsby,

Thank you for writing me. Even though it hurts to read it, I'm glad that we're communicating. I would like to talk in person about things. I understand that I've hurt you more than I'll ever know. If you're not up for it, that's ok, but I'd really like to. I love you and little girl more than I often realize or communicate.

-WH

His response.

I'm not writing back 'til thursday but I'm 90% sure I will say no to meeting to talk. He doesn't have anything new to say, I know. The 10% is for if he does.

Feeling better today, though. Just mentally moving on again!

[Piano]

Wow G...

That email blew me away. Beautiful.

Letting go of the rope is a good idea, and his response was perfect.

You feeling OK?

Wanna call the vets in to bust this baby? Thinking Coach, Greek or Sandi2.

[Piano]

I've gone back to your post from a few days ago when you had the talk. On that occassion WH said "+We can never go back to being together" and "He misses our relationship but the 'new' him just can't do that anymore".

OK, you did a good thing. The old M is over. There is no going back for either of you.

Dropping the rope means giving up all cares about how this is going to turn out and meaning it.

[gatsby11]

Hey P!

Yeah, I am dropping the rope. I have less resolve right now than I did yesterday, but I'll make it.

I thought you might appreciate this fact: i can tell that WH is romanticizing our break-up. He loves this kind of thing. It's so tragic, he can wallow for days.

Even though I'm attracted to that kind of drama (my 'issue'!), I'm really irritated by it right now.

And I feel that he is using me to feel better. Wanting to see me in person to reassure me of his love for me, so i can smile and say "Okay! Whenever you want to talk, I'm here to listen. I'll support you in any way I can."

But he hasn't been supporting me. He has been helping with the baby, yes. But it wasn't 'til the other day that we started talking about 'things.' And let's not forget how he showed up an hour late-- with no notice! He knows how important that kind of thing is to me.

A few lines from the "he's not that into you" book got me. Well, it was actually a daily-reading type book with little quotes for every day.

and the Dr. Phil thing got to me too. "A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing partners." WILLING.

And he said something like,"If a man tells you he doesn't want to be in the relationship, he doesn't."

I definitely understand that there are WASes who change their minds or make mistakes and fix them. (BD's H!) But my WH wanted couples therapy-- so convincingly-- and then DIDN'T want to make it work -- again, so convincingly.

I think it was a therapy session that made the difference.

All someone has to do is question him -- "are you SURE you want to do that?" and he falls apart.

I'm not interested in a life of "here" "not here" "here" "not here" etc.

I do have a plan that if he does tell me he wants to try to make it work again, that I will ask him to wait for three months and tell me again. And then at that time I'll say three more months! But I haven't thought about it more than that because, again, dropping the rope.

Soo.... yep!

Work has been fine; well, a bit overwhelming. Feeling better about the daycare again. (After a day of feeling bad.) Oh, one good thing is that I cried in front of them yesterday when I was trying to tell them that WH wanted text updates and to visit. So now they feel sorry for me and may take care of little girl better, ha ha!

I'm tired guys, so I'm heading to bed. But checking my round of threads first.

[gatsby11]

okay, well wow!

WH stopped by again, in the afternoon though, because he knew he couldn't stop by tonight. (That's good! More realistic!)

He said:

"I really want to start counseling. If you do. I know you don't want to hear this, but I had a really hard time packing up the apartment to move. I wondered why it was taking me so long, and then it was because I realized I didn't want to leave.

I don't know what happened to me, what happened to us. I think there's something wrong with me, Gatsby. I think I have clinical depression.

Do you think we can start counseling?"

I said we should give it a try.

So.... crystal clear, this time! Wow.

I think he thinks he has bipolar, I'm going to be honest. We wondered before he started therapy. He looked like he wanted to say more after 'depression' but didn't.

So... wow. I'm just shocked. Happy, but shocked!

This was the post from when he wanted to go to therapy.

It was triggered by his packing up.

Good thing i keep a journal here!

so it was an emotional reaction.

And now that he's returned to equilibrium, he's not interested anymore.

Geez.

[Piano]

Romantics are trouble! I am also drawn to these characters.

I get your reasoning on all this; you are dead right to want a partner you can depend on. That's not WH at the moment, maybe never.
But if you drop the rope, and he decides he wants to reconcile in 3 months time, then you will be in good position to know if it's what YOU want.

I like the simplicity of this: "If a man tells you he doesn't want to be in the relationship, he doesn't."

My husband told me that for the last 8 months... took him being on the plane bound for Europe to live with OW to believe it. See how much smarter you are than me!!!

Sleep well, G. Big day.

[gatsby11]

Doing fine.

Realizing that he hasn't loved me as I should have been.

+Irritated by my mistakes
+Annoyed with my family and any family stuff (like watching videos, looking at old photos, or visiting hometowns)
+ Focused on himself.

My dad and my best friend both told me-- at different times and not related to what just happened- that WH talked about himself a lot when he was over after the birth.

I didn't even realize.

But i believe them now.

There was one other thing... well, I forgot.

It's been nice having-- oh, I remember! What I'm typing now is exactly it. It's been nice having NC from him for the past few days.

It's probably a bad sign that I feel so relieved getting away from him.

I had a marriage that made me happy for 8 years. I've got some drama now, but it's okay. Soon enough I will find someone and I will be much smarter about the relationship. And he and I will share 25, maybe 30 years together-- or more!--, assuming we have a regular life span!

That's a long friggin time. I have a lot of time ahead of me.

So that's all for now, folks!

Oh and daycare was all right today and work was good too. I cut back my time for this week and am feeling better.

[gatsby11]

the above was my 666th post.

just sayin'! hee hee!

[newmama]

Gatsby! I can't believe I missed all of this- I'm sorry. So I am posting quick to say that I am so glad you communicated all of that through email. Let's be real, folks. Why not express real feelings now to our spouses? So I am going to now go back and post reflections on some things that you said.

[newmama]

Yeah, I am dropping the rope.

HIGHLY suggest we do this sooner than we want to...but need to do it for real so that it is authentic.

[quote]And I feel that he is using me to feel better. Wanting to see me in person to reassure me of his love for me, so i can smile and say "Okay! Whenever you want to talk, I'm here to listen. I'll support you in any way I can."[/quote]

Ah yes...kind of like how I feel bad for cancelling a visit to my g-ma and ask her if she is upset and she says "oh no, don't worry about it! I know you are busy!" I am basing my feelings on her reaction and it makes me feel less guilty and more prone to cancel again....because she "understands." Isn't what you are saying about your WH kind of like that? Negative reinforcement- withdrawal of guilt makes us do the BAD behavior again.

But he hasn't been supporting me. He has been helping with the baby, yes. But it wasn't 'til the other day that we started talking about 'things.' And let's not forget how he showed up an hour late-- with no notice! He knows how important that kind of thing is to me.

AND THIS is why you are wise to "drop the rope"

I'm not interested in a life of "here" "not here" "here" "not here" etc.

Yep, drop the rope...you don't want to be tied to that behavior!

I do have a plan that if he does tell me he wants to try to make it work again, that I will ask him to wait for three months and tell me again. And then at that time I'll say three more months! But I haven't thought about it more than that because, again, dropping the rope.

I AM SOOOO IMPRESSED! YES you deserve this! And you are young...the two of you will be married for life. So HE can do some work on himself and do what YOU need for a measly six months! After what YOU have been through and put up with? Come on!

So now they feel sorry for me and may take care of little girl better, ha ha!

Uh oh I missed something! I didn't know they were doing a bad job! I will go back and re-read.