Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[Faith2010]

A friend emailed him about boundaries, because he is just coming over to the house when he wants and she thinks that isn't fair to me.

Is this the same friend that visited this past weekend? You might want to ask her to not e-mail him regarding your relationship, boundaries etc... as you should be the one talking to him about it (unless you asked her to).

All in all it might be better if you don't spend 12 hours in the car with him...it would be hard. If you feel like ripping his eyes out now, imagine what you'll be feeling after 12 hours?

If you can't drive at night, then don't. Drive up the next day. If he misses the game, oh well. This is his choice to turn all your lives upside down. Let him deal with the consequences...you do what's best for you and the kids. (especially that niece of mine!)

[Dagny-2]

I really wish I knew what was best. Trying to be pleasant to him is a killer. Seeing my son cry himself to sleep every night breaks my heart. I just want to shout to him, why???? I want to know how I can hate him and want him back all at the same time.

He comes over tonight to move out furniture. Is he bringing her to help? Or another friend. Should I be here to find out who is in my house and what he is taking? Can I even handle that?

I've been holding it together around the kids, we even went bowling last night, but the godfather leaves today and it will then be down to the 3 of us. The amount of pain someone else can put you in is amazing.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm not normally big on these, but


(((((hugs & puppy licks, Dag)))))


Puppy

[Dagny-2]

Thanks Puppy.

I just don't know if I can do this. I want to fight and do something, doing nothing seems so weak. I want to scream, I want to know why, I want him to just stop and be back here. This is my life, too, why does he get to make his decision?

Dagny

[Coach]

I want to fight and do something, doing nothing seems so weak. I want to scream, I want to know why, I want him to just stop and be back here. This is my life, too, why does he get to make his decision?

Free will, even God let's us go to make our own choices.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Dagny)))))

Why is one of those questions that doesn't have an answer.

It is true that he gets to make his decisions for himself, just as you do. You wouldn't want him there if he doesn't want to be there, right?

The trick is that in the state he is in, nothing you can do is going to change his mind, at least not directly. You can't say anything to him, tell him anything, that will change his course. What you can do is change what he sees when he sees you. It won't happen overnight, but hopefully over time he will see things he likes, things that make him question himself. It's a challenge, because his pride is going to stand in the way. But it is really the only thing that has a chance of working.

As far as the kids go, they really will follow your lead. I completely believe that. If you treat the situation like it is the end of the world, they absolutely will follow suit. (And at their age, I think they will follow Mom's lead more than Dad's.) My kids took things really well, but I think it was because their parents kept things on an even keel. It's not easy, but it is important.

You can do it, Dagny. And I truly believe that if you take care of yourself, and your kids, the result will be ok, whatever it is. We can do better than survive.

[Dagny-2]

This is why I come here first before I do anything stupid or spin too far out of control.

Yes, Free-will. It is his to choose, my replaying all the happy times in my head isn't going to change anything, I must look forward and remember, I have free-will, too. I can choose. I'm choosing to stay here and DB my ass-off, not sit and mope.

I don't want him if he doesn't want me. What I want is him to want me, but it isn't going to happen.

He called to say he is coming over for stuff, to make sure I have the boys out of the house. I so want to spy and see who is coming to help him, he can't carry a couch on his own. Is he bringing her? But sneaking around with a child in tow would be a really stupid move on my part, so we will go out to eat and get some groceries.

Every time I talk to him a little bit of me dies. I think it is his overwhelming rejection of me and of the kids. We had talked about splitting this weekend, but now he has "committments". I think we need a firm plan of when he takes the kids and where. I was a bit against him having the boys sleep at his place, as it would break up their routine, but maybe they need that time with him. A few extra minutes in the morning to commute to school would be okay.

Dagny

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Dagny)))))
As far as where the kids spend the night, I went a bit against the grain. I really like the idea of them spending school nights in the same house, when it is possible. So I don't often have them during the week. I don't see a huge problem, between work and school that would be mostly getting them to bed, and getting them up. XW works three days a week, and generally works three out of four weekend days. So she is there when they get home from school, and there when they leave, most days. We figured CS as though it was 50-50, and I actually pay more. But in the end, the kids seem content, so I think it is working out ok.

[MM78]

Hey Dangy,
Here I am trying to give advice/comment in your thread and I'm admitting to being lost in my own, but one suggestion I had when you said you wanted to fight and do something was to also join a gym. Not sure if it's feasible with the kids. I used to LOVE weight training. I should probably set up my ipod with some music that gets me going and make that the plan for tomorrow actually. But if you want to feel like you are getting out your aggression, and also do something for yourself, it's an idea.

[Dagny-2]

As always, thanks for the support. I do need to do things to get out of the house, I need to meet someone, a live person to talk to! The kids is a harder question, I think H is happy with them staying here, but the boys are so missing their dad. S11 woke up crying this morning saying 2 weekends a month isn't enough. H is supposed to stop by the school tonight at the open house, I emailed him and said I would stay at S13 pracitce tonight if he and S11 wanted to come back to the house. I'm trying to be very pleasant, but the boys just need to see their dad.

I stayed away last night, S11 called his friends from home and said, I have sad news, my mom and dad divorced. S13 flipped out when he heard that, he said they aren't divorced, they are just taking time to think. Then my ILs called and S11 told them dad wasn't here, he was at his apartment. They asked to talk to me, wanted to know what was going on and why. I just said that H left, he wanted to tell them, and all I know is what he said, that he stopped loving me. What a night! H then called and I briefly told him of my conversation with the ILs and then let him talk to the kids.

With the help of all of you, I'm working very hard to stay strong, to not email unless necessary, no phone contact, and be pleasant. It is harder than I even thought it would be. I don't have any GAL goals yet, still need to set those. Someone wrote earlier that he is going to be hurtful and say awful things, I need to remember that they are expected and stop reacting so dramatically to them.