I'm just now catching up on your thread, as I've been battling my own demons this past week.
First, let me say that you sound like a wonderful Dad. To go from the Dad you say you were, loving but career consumed, to the Dad you are now is nothing short of amazing. The majority of men I know could't do it with half the heart you have.
Second, I think we all deserve a good, wing-ding of a pity party now and then, just to relieve the pressure. Just remember, if the kids are home, drink Virgin Marys.
Third, I'm sure you've come out the other side by this time, and are on the road to recovery, or at least as much as is possible at this time for us LBS's. I just want you to know how much I appreciate your POV, your emotions, your thoughts.
This DB'ng is hard stuff. I believe every now and again we need a little break to be a real, feeling, raging, crying, cussing, freakin' out human being. Just do it where your W can't see you.
You are wonderful.. there is nothing more I can say. Thank you.
Last edited by DestinyUnknown; 08/23/1011:40 PM.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I wanted to let you all know why I posted several days ago.
First, I am not upset at the 2X4’s I received (and Chel for the record I can never be upset at you – I know how much you care). I expected the 2x4’s quite honestly.
I wanted them…..
I needed them…..
I posted because, I knew I was stuck and could not manage to snap myself out of it. I knew that one of you, rather many of you, would say what I needed to hear. As often as I post to others and as much as I can see what others need to do – I did get stuck in my own misery and soooo I needed the beat down…better yet….the smack back to reality.
Thank you all for calling me out. For calling my bullsh*t. I respect all of you for your insight. I respect all of you for your honesty.
FTR, Cat’s response was more of a 10X10 – but she knew what I needed and did not let me off the hook. How is it Cat that you always say just the right fu*king thing and just the right time?
As I have walked this journey…every time I am about to take what I would call a major step, I end up in one of these freaking poor me phases. I know that what drives these pity parties is my reluctance to look deep at certain aspects of me. It is how I have historically coped with difficult situations. No more!
So I have taken that next step….I have dug a little deeper….I have grown just a bit more. I have stood up one more time. I have gotten up yet again from being knocked down on my as*. Funny thing is that as I have gotten up…as I have dug deeper…I have realized the strength that truly is in me. I have realized and found another part of who I am.
I have reminded myself that I am what I decide to be…I am what I want to be….I am who I want to be…nothing in this world can stop me – except me.
Before I answer the hard questions that my friend Mach asked (he of always asking the tough ones)….I wanted to respond to all of you who responded to my post.
Grit – My southern brother from another mother. Spot on dude. Oh…how I loved my own pity party. Oh…how I loved being the victim – if only for a day or two. It is easier ya know. It is something that I have become used to. It is a coping mechanism for me. Has been since I was a kid. It is much easier for me to sit in that pit of “poor me” then to face the issues that I need to face.
Much easier to sit in misery then to take that next step. Much easier for me to reach back and help another….much easier for me to see where someone else is stuck…much easier than to face my own demons.
You are right I have to let completely go. Accept that I cannot change any of this. Accept that her choices are hers. Funny thing..I respect her decisions. I do not agree with them. I do understand that this is her journey not mine.
So do I choose to be a victim? – NO – and I realize that I control this. As hard as it may be – I do control all of this.
Mach – Your answer…opps…my answer to MY question is at the end of this …..
Missher –Guilt - an emotion that has become a very good friend of mine. Hell we hung out for a long time. Still do from time to time. LOL.
Someone very close to me once said to me that guilt is a wasted emotion . Over these past few months, my guilt has continued to chew at me. My guilt has consumed me for long periods of time. I have allowed it and that is my issue – one that I need to own. A demon that only I can slay. I have allowed my guilt to cloud my judgment, allowed it to drive some of my choices, allowed it to control me. Allow it to keep my paralyzed. It is an emotion that I have decided to stop fighting and let go of. Quite simply….stop feeling guilty for every fuc*ing mistake in my life.
I realize that we all make mistakes, we all make bad choices. For me, the FEAR of making another bad choice just highlights the one issue that I have accepted and FINALLY dealt with ….and that is…that deep down inside of me…deep down in the core of me…..is that little boy that is still hurt! That little boy who never really healed…that little boy that was abused and abandoned by just about everyone in his fuc *ing life including his own mother.
That little boy that trusted one more time…gave one person (my W) everything he had only to have her turn around and leave – another person that just abandoned me. It was her choice – she is entitled to it as I am entitled to mine. My choice…..is to let go of the hurt and to realize that I cannot control the choice someone makes to leave….to leave me….what I can control is how I handle it. I can choose to live in the past, live a life of bitterness or I can choose to forgive, heal and live a life of happiness.
I choose to forgive, heal and live my life the best way I can. I choose to the man that I am. The man that I have become.
I am an adult that now accepts and understands that if I had to…I would do it all over again….I would still marry my W..I would still love her the best way I know how. I have chosen to accept that I am “me”. I have chosen to accept that my past, weather I like it or not shaped who I am – it is the cards that God dealt me. Cards dealt to me for a reason…a reason that I may not understand right now…but will understand in the future. I have chosen to not allow my past to define my future.
I now accept that the abuses and abandonment that I received as a kid was NOT my Fault and WILL NOT define my future. I have chosen love, peace, and compassion over anger, frustration, guilt. I have chosen to accept that I should not EXPECT that someone else can make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. I have chosen to accept that this is my walk…my journey…my life…my life to live…my life to enjoy….and if my W, my friends, my in-laws, my children, my co-workers or anyone else for that matter does not like my choice…well then tough s*it.
So…as I live my life…intent on being happy…I am not kidding myself that’s I will not get pissed, will not get hurt, will not feel sad someday….Yes these feelings will come…and I will deal with them.
Mach – I will get to your question in a bit…you challenging PITA….I know ya care dude – your still a challenging PITA…and I know you know I say this to you in love.
Seeking – thank you for your kind words. I know I will make it dear. No doubt about it. I have one word for you….one that you can respond to off boards….that word is….THANKSGIVING 
Mach – the answer is coming…BUT….BUT…..BUT….I Know….i know….I know….i know…I know…. LMAO
Lola – Thanks for dropping by and offering up some advice. Much appreciated. I told you…you can help! Never doubt it…always reach back…always help….always…. sometime we cannot see something unless someone points it out or reminds us of it. You reminded me that I need to focus on the positives in my life. Thank you for that.
So I will now get to focusing on the positives in my life, which are many. It may not seem like it but as the good Lord tells us, it all is in how you look at it. I mean I guess it could be worse….I could be unemployed and shacked up in a little apartment with Grit and Mach as roommates. Any idea which one would want to borrow my tutu - LMAO?
Or I could be sitting with Missher at a diner knowing that he is wear his favorite “jacket” (if ya know what I mean…inside joke here…LMAO).
On a serious note, thanks again for your words….now get back to working on you. This post is task 345,867 on the project plan. Do we still have contingency built into the plan or have we consumed it all? LOL.
Mach – In honor of Grit…
I
have
not
Forgotten
You
Question
To
Me…..
Kerry – thank you for your compassion. You’re a class act dude and I know that you understand how [censored]*y this whole process can be (the legal part of it). I know that it gets better. I also know that I decide when it gets better. Thanks for keeping an eye on my thread. Personally, I wished I lived in your state….my state is pretty brutal on father who want to co-parent. I do not know how this will shake out…but what I do know is that I will continue to operate with one basic principal, which is to do what is best for my kids – not what is good for Eric or what is good for W – only what is best for them.
Mach – before you ask again…I will answer…..Just figure I would let you know that I have not forgotten…..and I know that you will keep coming ……
B – Have I ever told you that you have a way of smacking me with a 2X4 in such a loving way. It is almost like a slap followed with a hug. LOL. A smack in such a gentle way (psst…..don’t tell her….but you know Cat’s a little harder on me and not as soft – LOL). You are right though – why do I want to feel bad? I don’t want to feel bad and have made the choice not to. Not today and God willing not tomorrow.
You are right….time with my kids should not be measured by hours or days but rather by moments where we truly connect. Your a different kind of lady B….I am not sure if it was one too many Nathan’s hot dogs at Coney Island or maybe it’s was the french fries – whatever it is…you are really special. You truly are. BUT I don’t have to tell you that because already know it. I keep learning from you B…and I know that I will continue to.
Mach – still have not forgotten.
Lance – Yeah I know I can’t control it. Hard too accept somedays but it is what it is. I know I will face it, I know I will get through it – trust me I know. Now if you send another person my way from the alt I’m going to drive down and kick your butt – just kidding  …hopefully that put a smile on your face.
Mach – Okay…I won’t say it again….ahh f-it…I will……..I have not forgotten….
Bear – Welcome to the party my Canadian buddy. I am glad that you have taken some good advice from my thread. Your new to self improvement party – not easy but worth it’s weight in gold.
I have spoken to a few folks about your sitch and I feel for you dude. I really do. I also have a little girl, who is 9. The father/daughter R is something very special – enjoy her. Enjoy every moment you can with her. Never…and I mean never….let your issues with your W impact her. When she is not with you…call her….be the man in her life that she can look up to.
Mach – it’s coming……
PEI – I am sooo sorry about the other day…I am glad I was able to help and kick back some of the wood you threw my way. Now do me a favor….stop calling me please…I cannot afford it…those freaking Canadian calls are killing me – LOL – just kidding. The price of your friendship is one well worth the cost. You are a true friend. Now about the wood you threw my way……
You’re right…I need to go back and read what I have posted to others. I did that over the past few day, thank you it helped. Reading my responses to others was another thing that helped snap my Puerto Rican as* back to reality.
You are right that I have done a fair amount of mirror work. I have seen the errors of my old behaviors, I have see where I have gone wrong, I have stood up and accepted my role in this. I must now take that mirror and look a little deeper….a little more into WHO I AM NOW– truly…away from the M. Away from my W. WHO AM I. WHY AM I. Very tough questions, but questions that I have answers for.
Regarding your comment of being tired – I am. Partly because deep down inside I have still been holding on to what was…still fighting the fear of CHANGE. Throw in the kids, work, and the fact that I really try and give of myself to everyone – I am tired. Your right I have to realize that Eric too needs a little for himself.
In terms of my life ending – No it is not. Felt like it for a few days..but no…my life is not ending it is just beginning. Yep, it will change – no doubt about that – change for the better – ABSOLUTLY. Why? Simply….because of where I am…because of who I have become and because of where I am going. That is not to say that I may not have moments where it sucks BUT then again it depends on how I look at things. I can chose to feel defeated, I can chose to live in anger or I can chose not to.
BTW – re: yesterday…if you do decide to do the whole bonfire thing, let me know I may join you…I have a few things I want to burn myself. F*ck…we can even do marshmallows…while drinking some gin. You do know I am kidding – right? LOL.
Oh….one other thing….FTR…my post is STILL NOT LONGER THAN YOUR STANDARD POSTs. LMAO.
Mach – it’s coming……
Chel – damn girl – that hurt – I needed it though. Hold on…I’m still pulling wood out of my a**.
Thank you for calling me out. Thank you for call bullship FTR – I owe you a drink…I’ll mail you a bottle of that raspberry wine that your always drinking (I promise I will pick up the cheapest shi* - LOL).
To my friend who no longer posts (you know who you are) – How do you always manage to say just want I need to hear in 2 sentences or less. Fu*k I really want learn how to do that. Many on these boards may never know just how much you care – I do. Otherwise you would not have messaged me. You my friend, are so fuc*ing true it is not funny. As often as I have wanted to kick your a** (and trust me there were many times) I truly am a better person because of you. Your no nonsense, simple, matter of fact way that you live your life…is truly an inspiration to all of us. It is to me. I will always remember….No regrets…..
Destiny – Thank you for your text and your post. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your advice. We have both been through a lot and your support means the world to me. FTR – chill with the shopping trips girl – LOL. Although I have to say that is one way to GAL. So…how much did you spend this time? Don’t answer 
D - you have a tremendous opportunity in front of you…take your time. Think about what you need and what you want. Your prayers have been answered. Remember this is now about YOU. I wish you nothing but the best and I know that YOU know that you will be fine with anything that you decide to do. God Bless.
Oh…before I forget…You have grown so much…FWIW…I am sooo proud of you. So proud!
Mach – a few more responses…and then I will tell you what my fears are.
Cat – I know what you were trying to do. You were successful! You successfully forced me to take the anger that I have been feeling and use it to push me out of my own pity party. You knew what I needed and you knew how to deliver the message. You have been with me from the beginning. I can still remember our several hour long conversations. I can still remember the Eric of old. I can still remember that broken Eric. You have seen my ups and my downs. You know where I am at and you always say just what I need to hear and not what I want to hear. In all of it you have remained the same. You have remained true. You have called my bullshi*. You have pointed out my control issues. You have pointed out my flaws. You have shown me so much. You have challenged me like few have (Mach of course is another story). There are not enough thanks you in the world that I can give you. You are truly a friend. And I am glad you turned your phone off after you posted. You always force me to do better.. be better. The 10X10 you threw my way was just what I needed.
Mach – one more sec….just one more sec…
Punkin – Thank you for your response. Yes…we all need to have our own pity party – even some of us that have been at this for a while. We are after all - human… You are right…I am over my pity party. I have already taken from it what I needed to take.
I am glad to hear that you appreciate my POV. I am always straight forward and honest. It is who I am. Some like it other I think may hate it. My intent is always to help and if I have helped you in any way…well then I can look up and smile and say thank god for an answered prayer.
I know you are having a tough time. You will make it…if you allow yourself too..the key word is allow..you decide.
Okay…now that I responded to everyone…
Senor Mach….
You have pushed me past my comfort zone. Your questions really forced me to look very deep. Look at things that go way back…I have cried several times trying to write this response..but you knew I would – didn’t you. You pushed because you knew I needed it. You pushed because you care. Thank you. Oh..sorry if this response is a little all over the place.
So what is my fear – what is Eric really afraid of? That is the question that you asked. If you know me and I mean truly know me then you will know that my response will come right from my fu*king heart. I have posted my past and you know most of the gory details so really I think you would know what my fears are BUT then you also know that by telling me I would not face MY FEAR. I would only face the FEAR that you pointed out – not the ones that I truly live, feel, breath and live.
Before I get into what my fears are I guess I should answer what is fear. Simply put…IMO…it is the feeling that one has when they have no control. When they refuse to accept that life changes and changes at it’s own pace. In my case, I feel like I have no control. I feel like I cannot determine, define, manipulate, coarse the outcome. Guess what ….I can’t so I have accepted that I am actually facing my fears.
Another way of continuing to face my fears is quite easy. let go…and let god. To live in the moment, to appreciate what I do have, to remain true to me, to continue to love…just love…, which is very different that approving the actions of others.
So what is my main fear? It is the fear of abandonment, which is the root of many of my other fears/behaviors!
Will everyone in my life always leave me? Will I ever find someone that truly can love me for me? The more I look at these questions the more I begin to realize what is life…what R’s are…At the end of the day none of us can control what someone else does. Will they leave, may they leave, is today the day that they are going to leave? Fu*k we can (and I did) drive myself crazy trying to control it. The only way to deal with this kind of fear is to accept that none of us has a crystal ball. The only way to face the fear is to live life. To live a life full of love. To live a life where you accept the individuality of each person. To live a life where you strive to always be the best and do the best. To live a life where you accept that you will make mistakes and really it is MY job to fix these mistakes. To live a life where you accept that others will make mistakes and that those mistakes may impact you and how you deal with it is what will truly define you. I cannot be afraid of abandonment anymore. It has already happened. I have…already face it.
Being with my W for 19 years I have come to realize that I am afraid of feeling that everything that I have done for the past 19 years has been for my wife. For example, 18 years ago I kicked a major drug habit. As much as I knew I needed to do it for me. I can honestly say that deep down inside I did it to get my W back. I did it so that I did not have to face the fear of being alone. Face the fear of loosing what I felt was the one good thing in my life. The one good thing that I received after having lived a very tough life. You know what…what I just realized is that I kicked the habit. She did not. I did the work. She did not. So why do I give her the credit for something that I accomplished? Hhmmm…. I think I know why.
I am afraid of success. I am afraid that maybe just maybe…I have accomplished much in my life. How does that feel Eric? I don’t know. In one way I feel good, in another way I feel scared. Can I put my life back together after all of this? Can I make it on my own? I know I can yet I still am afraid. Once again..I have already faced this fear. I am a success. A success defined by ME and no one else. A success from a professional perspective. A success from a personal perspective. Truly a success. Once again – I am giving her credit for something that I have done. For the work that I have done. Why??
Well…quite simply…I did not have a normal upbringing…I missed out on a childhood. A childhood where you develop a sense of security. Not me…I had to go from boy to man in order to survive. In that process I never received the validation that we all give our children. I never felt good enough…and so when I grew up (and for the record I am still growing up)…I busted my ass for that validation. I was the guy that would work 18 hours a day so that someone could tell me “good job” – yet I did not believe them…so I worked harder. Pushed harder…so that they could tell me “good job” – guess what…I worked harder. It was a vicious cycle. My M was the same…I would do stuff so that W would say she loved me…but then I really did not believe her so I would do more…tennis bracelet, diamond pendant, more jewelry. So my fear is that maybe I am good enough…and I am afraid of feeling that since I have never felt good enough. This fear is going to take some work and time to really deal with. I need to begin to accept that I am good enough just the way I am. For those of you who know me…it is why I do not like for anyone to say thank you. So starting today…Eric is going to accept that he is good enough for him.
Mach…you pushed me to go deep and deep I have gone…once again thank you..
So…since I am looking at my fears…looking at me…I have come to a realization that I also fear freeing myself from guilt. So why is that I ask? Well….I never had the comfort of a mother…when I beat the snot out of myself I fall into my place of comfort…the old pity party. I now realize that I do this as a way of comforting myself since I have never really been able to rely on anyone else to comfort me. Freeing myself from guilt would mean no more pity party. What I have to accept and FTR have accepted is that I can still comfort myself with out the pity party. What I have accepted is that life is what it is…life dealt me a life with out a mother. A life with out a father. Guess what…it is what I make of it. Today, Mach I forgive myself! Yeah I may have bouts of guilt that creep up from time to time…but guilt is a feeling – a feeling that I control.
I fear confidence…hell if I have confidence I would not need the pity party. That confidence that WAS lacking drove my insecurities as well. Those insecurities came in the form of doubts… Am I good looking enough? Am I smart enough? Am I sexy enough (don’t answer that one Grit)?.
So to hide the insecurities I wore a mask – a mask that I have since removed. A mask, which brings me to my next fear…
The fear of putting back on the mask. I have made a decision to be completely open..completely vulnerable. Yet I fear that when push comes to shove…the mask may come back on. Can I be completely open with someone else. Can I really trust that they would like the open, raw, and vulnerable guy. Shi* aren’t men suppose to be strong. As I think about this though this fear is unsubstantiated. I control it. I decide if the mask comes back on. I have made a choice to never wear it. It may cost me friends, it may cost me relationships…but then again…maybe they are friends and relationships that I should not have. I must be me…I must be true to who I really am.
Then next biggie…is TRUST…can I trust someone else? Can I really trust myself? Can I trust that my choices are the right ones. As I dig here I realize that the trust issue is tied to control. You see I want to trust only if I can control. Give up the control and trust follows. As I have already realized no one has control over another…so I must trust..I will trust..even if it hurts.. cause that is who I am.
Mach I can go on and on….but the reality is that I am facing my fears.. Where I am failing is letting them control me. Letting them hold me back. Time to man up Eric…time to keep moving…time to accept that hey…I am who I am..and I really do like who I am.
The more I look at myself the more I can see the strength inside me. The more I realize that some of things that I have done/accomplished in my life were MY ACTIONS. I have begun the realize how much I put my wife on a pedestals a pedestal that she does not need to be on. Does she really have that much control over everything I did in the past 19 years. Fu*k no. Now that is not to say that she did not help…but really I did the work.
I am still digging brother…I am still digging…what I see in the mirror now is this…A MAN!
A man who…
Must continue to heal…
Must no longer blame himself for his childhood. It is NOT my fault I was abused and abondonded
Must continue to work..
Just a man Mach…..I am just a regular guy dude….a guy that will do better…a guy that I am learning to fall in love with…a guy……
Thank you again Mach.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
WoW Eric, I mean WOW. You have really done some deep digging and soul searching. I call it facing your demons, but you did and it sounds as if you won; if not the war, at least this battle.
