I'm back and looking for insight

[sandi2]

I have learned a lot from Puppy & Allen and understand much better now as to why A busting must be carried out in a swift & what may seem a harsh manner. As they have said, you have one shot at doing it and it has to be done correctly or it is a big failure. The shock & embarressment is suppose to hit hard enough to end the affair.

As far as "respect" toward the S who does the busting, I understand what you are saying. But, if the S carries out the bust correctly.....it should not appear as he/she is being vindictive. That's the key word for me. I worry that morebusting is done through venengence rather than letting parents, adult children, and a few close friends know the truth of why the MR is in trouble.

Lack of respect is more likely if the LBS endures an A and enables the WAS to continue and cover up the truth where family/friends are concerned.

We have to understand that when an A is brought to the light, it is with the realization that it not to "fix" the M or to end it, but to allow light into the dark secret of the WAS.

One word about "parents", and that goes back to blood being thicker than water. I do not believe the LBS should approach the WAS's parents with the knowledge of their child's sins...and expect to be "favored". In other words, even if the in-laws are on the side of the LBS and support the M....that WAS is "still" their child and in the end....that fact will carry the most weight and it's the LBS who will be excluded in family times, not the WS (if there is a D). So, one must step carefully when exposing to the WAS's parents.

I do not believe that exposure of a "mamma's boy" would be of much use. I mean, if you want to tell your family and some close friends that that is the problem in the M....that's fine, but what good does it do? I don't think it could really be compared to having an affair. In fact, I'm not sure exposure is effective in a MR--except an affair.

I know that it takes a lot of hard work to overcome the humilitation of being exposed to just the immediate family...(I'm not even talking about friends). It's also not easy to have warm loving emotions for the S who did the exposing, but I have concluded that without exposure that many would continue to relapse into other A's.

I have seen Newcomers post to other newcomers that they need to expose....but they are not experience or informed enough themselves...and that gets dangerous b/c is must be done correctly. People must have all the information and be prepared and not just run out and tell.

Anyway....I think I'm repeating myself, but I do see the neccesity of exposure. I could get off into how I think it affects the female from the male....but I've written long enough.

Laura, you're right, that infidelity board is not for the faint of heart. A few years on this board will toughen you up.