Is there some guilt that I have? There is a level of guilt in everything I do at home. I feel it from what W has said and done. I feel it from my own thoughts on not being able to do more.
Dude, I get it. I can feel it in your posts. Here's where I can look in from the outside and tell you some things that I'm sure I would have trouble hearing if someone was telling it to me.
Yes, you have made mistakes. I think we all come to that realization when we find ourselves here. Yes, it may be too late to save your M and it sounds like you have accepted that and your part in it. That's all good. What isn't good is allowing yourself to be treated like a dog. You use parasite of leech. Now, if you are fooling all of us and just laying around the house watching the soaps and sitting on the couch in your underwear while the kids are jumping on the furniture and hanging off of the ceiling fan and tearing the place up, you may very well be a leech. I don't think so. You are taking care of your kids while you are going through unemployment and some tough emotional times. It ain't easy and you have risen to the challenge. You have not demanded respect. I'm in the same boat, there. Once you do and she knows you won't put up with anything less, she has to respect you. She doesn't have to even like you. She doesn't have to want to look at you.
I know it sounds like she holds the cards and maybe she does. Just stand up for yourself. Don't let the kids feel sorry for you not eating. They know what's going on. Hell, reach across the table and take her plate. What's she going to do?
I know you are hurting and you need a job. Let go of the guilt. You have to realize that is a tool she is using to break you down. Don't let her. If you have nothing else, you can have your pride back. She cannot take that.
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I have come to be able to live this way for now because it will not be forever.
No, it won't be forever, but it will be as long as you let it go on.
You are not a leech. You deserve respect. Now, go earn her respect by standing up to her CB and show your kids the strong father figure that they need along side the loving, caring father that they love and count on every single day!
