We had a R talk today. She opened the games and it just started by her telling me that she is really being hurt financially by all of this and I responded that this is one of the costs of divorce and that both our standard of living are going to suffer. She said i would probably be happy she was not going to have an easy time and I just stated that I hoped she would find what she was looking for no matter what way this turns out. I wished her no malice.
This then turned into a conversation about what is happening and AGAIN the only reason given was that she could not get along with my S(11). I asked was that the only reason and she said there was some other small stuff but that was the main reason.
I AGAIN stated that that is fixable and we should just try and figure it out. Probably shouldn't have said that "this is not enough of a reason to me to break up a marriage". but she said she had no interest and was done. She brought up some conversation we had about it two years ago ( I could not remember it at all )
I asked her did she have any doubts about the path she was on and she said NO.
All the time she was talking her eyes told a bigger story than her words. they are very expressive normally and I didn't see any hope in them.
She said she just didn't have the same feelings towards me and she knew she would never get them back. That was just the way she was.
Funny thing was in the middle of all this i looked down and she was wearing her engagement ring. She hasn't worn it since she dropped the bomb 4 months ago. I commented on it and she just brushed the comment aside. She joked it would keep the Dogs in work off till we got this finalized.
I wish we never had the conversation and shouldn't have jinxed myself by my last post. Right now i don't see any hope either.
Her last words were "I know this is not what you want but it would take the two of us to fix it and I don't want to try"
I'm sorry, there is STILL a huge missing piece to the puzzle here, Khudoo. Women don't get this despondent -- and throw away their marriages -- over the way their spouse's son is acting, especially when she only brought it up once maybe two years ago.
This is all just wayward DEFLECTION.
There is either someone else, or some THING else that you haven't told us so far.
I'm sorry, there is STILL a huge missing piece to the puzzle here, Khudoo. Women don't get this despondent -- and throw away their marriages -- over the way their spouse's son is acting, especially when she only brought it up once maybe two years ago.
This is all just wayward DEFLECTION.
There is either someone else, or some THING else that you haven't told us so far.
Puppy
Puppy, I agree and that is what is confusing to me but it is all I know and I really tried to find out.
Again as i stated before i had my suspicions about one guy but could find no evidence. I am still not completely convinced she is not with him but that is coming from my gut and not anything i have seen. I also realize that gut feelings are a strong indicator.
She still comes home on time and when she goes out it is usually to some mutual friends who tend to mention to me when she is over at their house.
The only thing I can think of is she WANTS to be with him and she see's this as a way of encouraging that but that would seem like a pretty big risk on her part. I know from conversations before all this went down that his wife keeps him on a tight leash.
There is nothing else I know and that is why this is all such a big shock to me and why when she mentions her reasons that I have difficulty accepting them. If I knew there was an OM it may make things more understandable to me.
Also she brought it up more than once in two years and she mentioned that I didn't seem to be hearing her. But she never came up with or really listened to any constructive ways to deal with it. But again i agree that something is missing here as if it was all my S she wouldn't be so cold towards me.
It would not be THAT unusual for her "pining" for someone specific to be strong enough to cause her to behave as if she were already with him. I see it all the time.
What is the source of her attraction for this guy, do you know? First love? Shared interest(s)? Other? Anything specific?
It would not be THAT unusual for her "pining" for someone specific to be strong enough to cause her to behave as if she were already with him. I see it all the time.
What is the source of her attraction for this guy, do you know? First love? Shared interest(s)? Other? Anything specific?
Puppy
He is younger than her by about 5 years and I am 8 yrs older. Other than that I don't really know. He is married with a small kid and seems terrified of his wife even by my W's admission. She once remarked he is a really nice guy " a ladies man" but needs to grow a pair.
They are both in law enforcement she joined a few years after him and he "helped" her out a lot when she first joined. That i think is the main attraction. Another reason it would be difficult for them is that if they were caught together one of them would have to change precincts and that would make it impossible for her to take care of her own S due to the distance of the next nearest precinct.
I have always been into Adrenalin sports and very competent at them so I don't think its a question of being attracted to a risk taker cause he is a cop but maybe the camaraderie.
I am older than her but probably more active than either of them. She used to always say that even though i was older that i am the youngest person she has ever dated.
She is very obsessed with how someone looks so may be just a physical attraction if anything.
Also seems like she is trying to act a lot younger than she is. She has mentioned getting some plastic surgery. She is a good looking lady but is always concerned wrinkles , excess weight , the shape of her boobs etc. She is not someone who will take aging gracefully.
I am average looking and have been told look a bit young for my age probably due to my "I'll try anything" attitude. Even the kids and there friends count me as a cool dad. But i am very comfortable with my age and actually enjoy telling people my age and joking that even though I am an old man I will give them a run for their money.
Also one of her best friends also agrees with you Puppy. She said to me that there must be someone else as it doesn't make sense but she has never seen any evidence nor has any idea of who it could be.
Her friends advice to her was that hooking up with another guy was not going to fix any of her issues. They are all very supportive of our R while still hanging with her. They have been very vocal in saying that she should slow down and consider what she is doing.
She's displaying all of the classic signs of being chemically fogged out. Whether that's being caused by a PA, a mutual EA, or an unrequited EA is the only question in my mind.
Sadly (and ironically), the last one can actually be the most powerfully addictive.
The reason I ask is, IF what you say about him being afraid of his wife is true (and this would be very typical for a cheating male, to NOT risk his own marriage over his affair girlfriend), and IF this is also a case of "unrequited love," then you may want to approach the guy directly, perhaps even bluffing that you have something on him. Or better yet, start with his wife. He just MIGHT finger your wife (sorry for the phrase) as the one who's batchit crazy/bunny-boiling here, and IF you could get him to do a "Look, I told you, I'm NOT leaving my wife over you, so get that thru your crazy head!" . . . well, that would kill it dead in its tracks.
