Questions for HD's

[Young at Heart]

+1 on the advise so far, there is never an excuse for verbal emotional or physical abuse.

While not the issue you bring up, I hope that your husband can grow over time, which is what the passionate marriage concept is all about.

I don't know if your H has crossed wires or not. I do know as the HD person in what was for a while an SSM, that I could become moody and angry if I didn't feel any form of love from anywhere for say two to three days. I wasn't abusive, but would sulk. Now that I feel loved, I am not as desperate in my emotional needs and can be very loving to my wife no matter what happens or doesn't happen.

I want to congratulate you on your attitude and devotion to your marriage and your husband.

I can live with sex once to twice a week, but barely. I really need to have sex with my wife two to three times a week to be truly happy. When her work or things get in the way of that, I have to mentally reach deep within myself to push through the time with joy and calmness.

Now let me give you the long answer. I want to suggest another book for your reading list, the Five Languages of Love. My primary love languages are touch and verbal affirmation (praise). My wife's primary languages of love are acts of devotion and spending quality time together.

For a long time my wife gave me neither and I didn't feel loved. For me the only time I felt love was when we had sex with my wife. For verbal affirmation I turned to work and became a workaholic. As such, I withdrew from my wife and she withdrew from me and that just made me seek feelings of love that I needed through praise at work. It also made me more desperate for sex and the physical touch that I got during sex.

When I withdrew and denied my wife for quality time together and her ability to recieve and give acts of devotion. If she wanted to show me her love by cooking me a special dinner and I worked late and forgot to call her, it was the emotional equivalent to her of my feeling sexually rejected by my wife.

My wife and I broke the cycle and she now works at providing me with what I need to feel loved, but it is hard for her. I also work hard and provide her with what she needs to feel love. Every day I try to do multiple acts of devotion to her and get some quality time with her so she feels truly loved(bring her coffee in the morning, fill her car with gas each week, make the bed each morning, bring her the mail at the end of the day, talk about and emotionally support her with regards to her day and what is happening to her at her work).

She finds it easier to have sex with me at home than to run her fingers through my hair in public or to rub my shoulder in public or even while we are alone and watching TV. I don't understand that, but it has to do with her inhibitions. I guess sex with one's husband in bed at home is ok, and public displays of mild affection are not, even if they are not done in public.

She also finds it is hard to "butter me up" but she is now praising me for doing things around the house, like when I recently pressure washed the deck and cleaned all the outside furniture. As a result I feel loved and am not as desperate for sex anymore, because it is not my only source of feeling loved.

If you can figure out what your husband's primary and secondary languages of love are, then you can do a lot to make him feel loved in addition to having sex with him.

Unfortunately in too many relationships the only time a man feels "loved" or "connected" to his wife is when he has sex with her. Other times, things get in the way of the emotional and verbal connection that the HD spouse needs. I know men who would really like to be hugged and cuddled by their wifes, but the only way they know how to ask for that is by initiating sex and hoping that will lead to what they really want.

I admire your devotion to your family and want to congratulate you. Good luck and each of my children have been true blessings.

If your H can't learn to control his anger or you find he has crossed wires as you state, then by all means consider leaving him. Your situation sould like a perfect concept for a general marriage counselor as I don't think it is really a problem of sexual frequency. Again, good luck to you and your family.