W has called twice today. It comes from a ford dealership that is in "my network" so I really can't ignore it. (Funny she doesn't use her cell)
Both calls were about her SSN being wrong on some paperwork. Then she was concerned about all the other paper that could have the wrong number. She specifically even mentioned the Marriage Licence.
I said "Hey, maybe we don't have to get divorced cause we were never married"
W"Yeah. Don't really need to hear that right now"
I had to remember to cut the calls short. She wants to keep them going and I honestly don't know what to say.
This is happening faster than I expected. Four calls (rather than text) in two days.
Yet I see this line everyday on the boards, I am abandoning this entire viewpoint. It's as unhealthy for me as anything else I did before DB. Thanks for this one.
I am glad you see this buddy.
All good stuff happening here IMO.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I said "Hey, maybe we don't have to get divorced cause we were never married"
This falls into the R talk category. Time to bring out the duct tape from your garage and keep them affixed to the hip so it is handy and accessible (hey, why not buy a tool belt as you go along!? ). This comment makes you sound desperate and trying to get W to change her POV.
I don't know if you actually work in a car dealership or not. But you can end the convo as in: "W, thanks...I can't stay on the line long. I need to bring up some paperwork that needs to be processed now in another department here. We can discuss this later."
This buys you time to formulate a plan in regards to the W's concerns about paperwork. What are they and ABSOLUTELY require your involvement? You need to use discernment here. Separate the wheat from the chaff. Do you need to get roped into this? Need to collect facts on what W is looking for exactly. Remember you have NO obligation to do W's leg work other than firewalling your finances.
SSN on any paperwork is to do the following:
1) Take out a loan 2) Apply for credit card 3) Employment verification 4) Obtaining passport 5) Etc Etc
You get the idea. Where is W's thought process with this? Does it impact you in any way? Remember no sense in losing your shirt in this process.
What were the four calls in regards to...anything of importance and/or relvance?
To prepare for interactions with W regarding paperwork or any convos, I'd suggest that you stop by the Boundaries thread over in Newcomers. It contains many good, wise, and helpful nuggets that can be adapted and applied in your sitch accordingly.
Did you ever get the feeling there is a mysterious force at work (Missherlove, looking at you buddy)
No mysterious forces at work here, the forum is working just the way it is supposed to work and you and everyone else reading and posting here is benefiting.
How else can I say this CD......you draw a crowd!!!
I just wanted to pop in b/c I have been sorta MIA lately. Can't really add too much, I have caught up since the last time I posted and would only add one thing, and you already know what it is.........
TIME
No 2x4's or anything but just a little more than a gentle reminder. As I have said before, your W is following a script, we already know what she is going to do next. You need to maintain your part in this "play" (not that you are acting, changes in you are real).
What I am going to say again also is that your smallest consistent behaviors will be the thing she notices most.
How do you stay consistent?...... making the changes in you real and permanent. This will take TIME, you are still working on it. I would caution you to not look to change everything or reanalyze the situation whenever you have a less than perfect interaction with your W.
Sometimes we are better at it than others but what will bring the Dam crashing down is not one single blow to the facade but a million little pin pricks that will cause little tiny cracks to form and the water will come seaping through. Until eventually the entire thing collapses.
Make sure you give enough TIME to this process. You are definitely making headway in your sitch, but you are about to embark on a phase of this journey where you are going to start to see glimpses of your W again. In ways this is more difficult than it was in the beginning. I struggle with this today, my W is acting normal even affectionate at times but yet she still goes back to the OM. This will be your challenge moving forward.
You are already seeing her starting to show some of the preliminary signs of cracking. Don't get excited, maintain absolutely ZERO expectations, around anything. I know you know these things but it is always good to hear them again, and again, and again, and again.......(cut-n-paste) LOL
If you are feeling down come here, or just take a look over your shoulder......You came hear mid-June and it is mid August, just 2 very short months!!!!! You are doing very well, and I am glad for you, (thinking about doubling down on my bet). I want to balance my words of encouragement with some more words of reality.....actually one word (you guessed it......)
TIME
Use the gift wisely my friend.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I should have been a little clearer regarding the context of the calls today.
I had her sign some bank docs yesterday morning. The bank called me this morning as two pieces of her documentation from employers had two different SSN's (one digit difference) so they wanted to know which was correct. I gave them W's cell.
Then she called me about it. And now she was concerned (since she was doing her taxes as part of her tasks) that it migh cause problems. And then her mind floated to her passport (due in November) and our D's Education Savings Plan.
She was concerned that more than the one employer or government document had the wrong number.
I told her I'd pull her 2008 Assessment and give her that number. She should also call Svcs Cda and get a card so she had one and didn't have to rely on memory.
When I texted the number to her, she phoned again. Almost simultaneously to the text.
Could there also be "selfish reasons" to address this? Sure. Passport? Her potential Mexico trip rumor w/ OM. Banking? Credit rating confusion.
It can go either way.
But it's the calling rather than texting that alerts me to "something" happening/changing.
The two yesterday were similar. They start as on topic (she wanted to know if I was home so she could grab soms stuff) and the follow up after her vist was to let me know she was "clear" of the house.
Again, all of these calls could have been text as they had been for the 1st few months. Also, I do have a Vmail with somebody else ather dealership and I've been expecting a call back.
But I could just ignore calls from there I guess. Not appropriate for my business but I've missed other calls from other dealers.
Most importantly, it will allow me to stay detached; appear detached/dim; and let me check the validity/urgency/content before I respond and get drawn into the convo.
My fault. The changes have me taking the calls to see if I can learn or discover more changes.
I should leave it all alone. Thanks. I took my eye of the ball.
I had an interesting comment from someone on the alt. "She" found it curious that W wanted scrapbooking stuff. VERY emotional things. And most of the stuff here is about US.
Also found that she used that reason rather than the 200 dollars she was to put in the account- 1)she could have deposited it herself 2)I would have likely said "I'm at the park. Leave it with me"
She needed/wanted some sort of "connection/interaction" with the house and/or me personally.
Also found it interesting that the wedding dresses were picked up. Again, emotional.
However, it was also pointed out that, like Missherlove also stated, I MUST focus on me and my detachment. MAINTAIN IT!!! In fact, work to strengthen it because it will be tested very soon and often.
Thanks everyone. I wanted to get the clarity up first. I'll review what you all have sent that I haven't addressed here.
Thanks you for your continued assistance and advice.
). This comment makes you sound desperate and trying to get W to change her POV.
