Stitching together a new quilt

[TimeHeals]

Is this really being that needy?

The way you present it, it doesn't seem that needy.

I am betting, however, that if you-and any girlfriends you might have or make--start doing things on your own if he doesn't want to come, however, that over time he will wonder if he should tag along sometimes.

It's the attractivity thing: if you are enjoying yourself, at some point he's probably going to get curious, and if he doesn't, well... you enjoyed yourself anyway.

[FindingMyVoice]

It's the attractivity thing: if you are enjoying yourself, at some point he's probably going to get curious, and if he doesn't, well... you enjoyed yourself anyway.

Really? It's odd - I hear that time and time again on these boards and never really thought I could make that work for me. I guess I always just figured if I went and made more of a life for myself that didn't include him it (or that I didn't drag him down and wrestle him into) that it would just make the distance even worse and would lead to our breakup that much sooner. But I guess my way isn't working much better either. Who wants to be wrestled / guilted into spending time with someone. Especially someone whom you already think is a touch on the dull side.

[Concerned_Listener]

FMV,
In Breaking the Patterns of Depression the author talks about Value Polarities. Each of us gravitates towards a certain style on a list of polarities that he listed. One of the polarities is Being Connected versus Seeking Connection. He states that we get into trouble when we consistently and compulsively stay on one side of the spectrum. We need to develop both skills--being alone and connected. Do you think you have an imbalance with this and need to be more comfortable and skilled at being alone?

CL

[FindingMyVoice]

We need to develop both skills--being alone and connected. Do you think you have an imbalance with this and need to be more comfortable and skilled at being alone?

I think I'm ok with it for work - I work alone from a home office. But when I'm not working, I do get a little lonely for example, if I find myself spending a lot of weekends alone at home. But maybe that's just because I'm sitting there doing nothing more fun than laundry and housecleaning. My girlfriends are often busy with their kids & families on the weekends (I have no kids; live away from family).

So. I've decided that I'm going on my little roadtrip alone. I don't think I want H to come because I'm tired of making compromises for the sake of spending time with him. I'm not trying to be vindictive, I just would like to be able to do what I want for fun, for once. This way too, I can bring my art supplies and do some plein air work. And I won't have to worry about whether or not he thinks I'm boring, or changing what I'd like to do for the sake of making sure he's having fun. Poo on him. (Okay so maybe i'm being a little spiteful) And I'm thinking of a couple other roadtrips / painting outings I'd like to make over the next few weeks while work is quiet too.

PS - Time and CL, thank you again for all your support.

[FindingMyVoice]

FMV,He's either "trying to make things better in his own way," or jerking you around. Only you can decide which it is. And act on that.

Gardener, thank you for stopping by and offering your advice. I'm so sorry I missed this post earlier today.

I'm wondering if it's somewhere in the middle? I don't think it was malicious. He's a pretty covert guy. His pattern is to dodge issues to 'keep the peace' rather than deal with them up front. So, I'd say he figured going with me would be boring as h*ll but he didn't want to be the bad guy and start an argument, by saying it out loud. I've heard this "I'll go with you if you want me to" crap from him for years. You're right. I do have to act on it but I'm not sure how.

FMV, you know by now that nobody can "make" you feel anything. You control that. ... But continually feeling like you have to defend who and what you are to the people in your life is something to tackle head on with your IC and...find your voice.

I know, I know... since my IC has been gone for the summer, I've slipped backwards into some very unhealthy patterns. I guess it wasn't very proactive of me, to not consider finding another to talk to, while she was gone.

[Gardener]

FMV,

I'm wondering if it's somewhere in the middle?

The truth usually is, isn't it?

( since my IC has been gone for the summer, I've slipped backwards into some very unhealthy patterns. I guess it wasn't very proactive of me, to not consider finding another to talk to, while she was gone.

Well, since it's for the whole summer, I'm surprised she didn't make some kind of temporary arrangements for you and all her clients. I understand - or, I can project, I should say: my wonderful new IC who I found in Feb. after interviewing several told me yesterday that she and I are actually in the same position: her house is on the market and when it sells she is moving to New Mexico.
Peace,

[FindingMyVoice]

The truth usually is, isn't it?

I try to keep telling myself - things are never be quite as perfect as we might hope, but they're rarely as bad as we fear.

Well, since it's for the whole summer, I'm surprised she didn't make some kind of temporary arrangements for you and all her clients.

Ugh. Well that's the stupid part. She told me before she left that she allows her current clients to call in and she'd do a telephone consult with them, while she's away. True to form however, I kept choosing not to call because I feared the problems I've had haven't been important or serious enough to bother her. I was afraid she'd get angry / annoyed / irritated... whatever.. with me for bothering her. (sigh...old habits die hard I guess)

my wonderful new IC who I found in Feb. after interviewing several told me yesterday that she and I are actually in the same position: her house is on the market and when it sells she is moving to New Mexico.

Good grief! You've gotta be kidding. Please tell me she's at least given you a referral.

[TimeHeals]

Good grief! You've gotta be kidding. Please tell me she's at least given you a referral.

LOL. I was thinking the same thing. His C is also getting divorced, and that means his C is divorcing him too

That's an incentive to confront and work out any abandonment issues one might have

[FindingMyVoice]

Morning Time, just to let you know I went for a 5.5k walk this morning. Practically had to drag myself out of bed with a crowbar, but I did it. Hopefully will give me a better frame of mind today. Thanks again for your help.

[Gardener]

FMV,

True to form however, I kept choosing not to call because I feared the problems I've had haven't been important or serious enough to bother her. I was afraid she'd get angry / annoyed / irritated... whatever.. with me for bothering her. (sigh...old habits die hard I guess)

A good starting point for your next session with her, I'd say.

Please tell me she's at least given you a referral.

Not yet.
With my house on the market and me poised to move, my time with her - my time here - was going to be somewhat temporary, anyway. With luck, I'll be gone before she is.
Peace,