Stitching together a new quilt

[TimeHeals]

One more thought on "sticks in the mud":

It's kind of a put-down and not very inviting.

"You seem a little glum, why don't you join us? C'mon, it'll be fun." is inviting.

You're a stick in the mud is just a put down.

Turn that crap around with verbal jujitsu: "My, aren't you positively charming and full of compliments! It's enough to make a girld blush".

[Concerned_Listener]

I'm not sure to what extent your differences with your H are the problem. It sounds like you no longer want to participate in the same old patterns. In DB, MWD states that if you're not seeing enough of a change in the M, it's because you haven't changed enough. It's also possible that there isn't anything you can do to influence your H at this time, but as long as there is something for you to work on for personal growth, that is where your energy should go, and see how it influences the M.

You seem like you want results quickly. In DB, MWD also discusses the importance of experimentation and allowing enough time to evaluate the results. It's a constant process of revision and fine-tuning until you begin to see changes in the M.

Boundaries in M is heavy on bible-verse, though the message is valid for everyone. I'm benefitting from Breaking the Patterns of Depression by Michael Yapko. It's a good book to help us see internal patterns that aren't productive.

CL

[FindingMyVoice]

Thanks for the support Time. Appreciated. I'm a little confused though. I get what you're saying about trying not to look at past negative events to judge my present (at least I think that's what you're saying) but I guess the whole 'my husband thinks I'm a dud' thing isn't in the past. It's now. The only way he said he'd want to come with me on my trip is if we changed to doing something fun that he wanted to do. He said "well it sounds kinda... you know... can't we go and do some of 'this'?" (or something like that... ie it was his idea of fun). What do I say to that? So now if I resist it then I'm the one being not agreeable. But if I go along, I feel like I'm - I don't know. But I don't like it.

[FindingMyVoice]

ps - it's not that I have to have him come. I mean, I know it's optional for him. I never expected him to. It's just that he acts like it's 'less than' his ideas. If he didn't want to come, why didn't he just say, 'Hey that sounds like fun, but no thanks - I think I'd rather do 'x'". Why does he turn it into a put down about what he thinks of me and my activities?

[TimeHeals]

He said "well it sounds kinda... you know... can't we go and do some of 'this'?" (or something like that... ie it was his idea of fun). What do I say to that? So now if I resist it then I'm the one being not agreeable. But if I go along, I feel like I'm - I don't know. But I don't like it.

Ok... the subject of compromise rears its ugly head.

Are you always the one compromising? You have to do some things you enjoy, and if he doesn't want to participate, you might have to do them alone.

Only you know your situation and whether or not this compromise is likely to backfire on you.

As for the: "well it sounds kinda... you know... can't we go and do some of 'this'?" .

If it's something you think you are going to enjoy, then tell him... "It's something I think I might enjoy doing, and even if I am wrong about that, I want to do it. I want to do some things that are different sometimes.".

Then you make the call on the compromises.

[FindingMyVoice]

Are you always the one compromising?

YES!!! Thank you. That's exactly the way I feel. I don't know if that's the 'actual' reality. But that's 'my' reality.

You have to do some things you enjoy, and if he doesn't want to participate, you might have to do them alone.

Yes. And thank you again. This is exactly where i get stuck. If to be able to anything that I want to do, I'm going to have to do it alone (and with the knowledge that my H thinks I/my activities are boring)... then that little voice in the back of my head says 'then why be married'?

[TimeHeals]

How could he have made that exchange more positive?

"Go shopping for nicknacks at Santa's Village? Well, I'm not a big nick-knack shopper, but if that's what you want to do, Dear, do you mind if we stop off at Harbor Freight on the way so I can pick up some aluminum saw horses?".

LOL

[FindingMyVoice]

How could he have made that exchange more positive?
"Go shopping for nicknacks at Santa's Village? Well, I'm not a big nick-knack shopper, but if that's what you want to do, Dear, do you mind if we stop off at Harbor Freight on the way so I can pick up some aluminum saw horses?". LOL

teehee. I'm laughing and crying at the same time.

[TimeHeals]

then that little voice in the back of my head says 'then why be married'?

Because it's not all negative?

Because another little voice tells you, "No one person can fulfill all of your needs"?

[FindingMyVoice]

How could he have made that exchange more positive?

But yes. I get what you're saying. I should have actually suggested he could have said this:

'Hey that sounds like fun, but no thanks - I think I'd rather do 'x'"

instead of what he did say? Or is that being controlling?

then that little voice in the back of my head says 'then why be married'?
Because it's not all negative?
Because another little voice tells you, "No one person can fulfill all of your needs"?

Yes the negativity thing makes sense - I do seem to have a miserable time seeing the positive once I see a negative.

But is it really expecting him to fulfill all my needs to just hope he might want to do what I want to do the occassional time, without having to put me down for it and go on about what he'd rather do instead? Is this really being that needy?