Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
I can remember M C hammer singing the first song, but can't remember the chick's name that sang the other one. I feel as if I missed something, but hope you are making an excellent day for yourself!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Divinyls! sang "I touch myself" I forgot about that song. Thank God it was a girl who sings it! LOL
So I need to pick your guys (and girls) brains again on something. It's well understood that most guys want to solve problems. Like if a girl told me she was thinking about something or she was having a hardtime with something I would typically jump in with both feet and say "why don't you try xyz or have you looked into such and such?". While I think I'm being helpful all she wanted me to do was say "i'm sorry, that sucks". What's even more surprising is that she would take that as an insult as if I were saying she wasn't capable of handling the situation. I understand that. I used to do this to STBXW like she'd tell me a problem and the next thing that came out of my mouth was a solution as opposed to empathy. Overtime I have tried getting better about it but it feels 'wrong' to not be able to help and just say 'it sucks' well no kidding it sucks, it does, everyone knows it does but what value am I adding by saying 'it sucks'? Can't she just go to her female friends and get the same response?
So how do you 'wiser' guys resist the urge to not make a suggestion? and more importantly what's my clue to chime in with a suggestion? Is it when she specifically says 'can you help me with this problem?'
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
You could always say. " I know . That really sucks. I have an idea that might help if you are interested." Then wait for her to ask, do not jump in, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Women like to know that they are being heard and understood. I had that issue with the door yesterday and asked 4 guys that I know in RL. Not one offered to help but either told me not to do it, how to do it or that (2 of them) they really didn't know how to do it. I am all up for trying but I also know that if I do ask for help that two of them would come help. Normally if it was something that wasn't too much trouble, they would have said I will be right over.
See, I am learning how to read guys too.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
First, are we talking about STBXW or some new girl? Because my response would be different, depending. If it's someone new and she tells you about a problem but does not ask for help per se, I would say something like:
- that's really awful! - ask her questions about the situation to get more information if she seems like she wants to talk - ask: "is there anything I can do? I'm always here to listen, but please let me know if you want my help or input--" and depending on her response, go from there. If she says "I don't know what I need right now" then give her a hug if appropriate, or touch her on the arm and say "I'm always here- if you think of anything I can do to help, please let me know". And leave it.
Regardless of which way it goes, don't go too far in either direction- don't swoop in like superman the minute you get the green light- proceed with caution in little steps and take your cue from her. You can always ask in the middle of giving your input or some kind of concrete action: "is this helpful to you? If not, please let me know if you need something different." It's always ok to ask and that is how you will get the most useful info. We can tell you what WE want, but it's not a one size fits all. And don't act too intimately for the relationship level, or you will scare them off- i.e., if you're just getting to know someone, don't offer to pay for their car to get fixed or something- that's too much. But you can offer her a lift or a ride to the repair shop, etc. By the same token, don't back off so far b/c of your past experience that you appear uninterested and just grunt or say "Hmmmmmmm....." in response or something when she opens up.
Many times women think they are just talking. I used this example in another thread but my H used to do this ALL the time... He would ask about my work day, I would tell him about my day and the next words out of his mouth would be "well, do this, this and this". WHAT?
Women DO appreciate help and suggestions or an alternative viewpoint but many times we are just talking or sharing and not saying in some veiled fashion "hey, I need help!"
I believe a few of this were discussing this very matter last week. EVERYBODY needs help from time to time but sometimes a conversation is not a cry for help!
You work in IT, right? So if a woman says to you "geesh, my computer is really not working well" you might say "sorry to hear that, btw I work in IT so I might be able to help you figure out why"... that would be nice!
If you say "well, never mind I'm just going to build you a new computer and you should do this, this and this" it might seem a bit *something* when all the lady was doing was simply mentioning something!
(Anybody remember that song? It was late 80s or early 90s)