M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My goal wasn't to get her to move out. Or to stay. It was to tell her that she's been heard; that I know what she's feeling.
And
Quote:
If she really doesn't know what she wants to do, then is me pushing her out the Right Thing? Forcing a crisis? I'm not sure about that.
I understand your confusion/indecision?
While I have had my L start the paperwork and have been giving her the financial statements, assets, etc., I find myself doubting myself.
I have read many time here that you can make it clear that you have dropped the rope and set her free but don't help her with dissolving the M.
Since the rings came off last week, she has been more civil and relaxed. I admit, I hate that we don't wear them and I'm the one who took mine off and put it on the counter and told her let's stop pretending and tell the kids..... She has made no move to leave or anything. I call BS when it's warranted and made it clear that I don't care what she does, but while she is still living in our home, she will treat me with the respect due another human being and the respect due to our children. I told her I am not her baby sitter and I will no longer automatically be there for her to go running around. If I have plans, she needs to find a sitter. I listen, really listen when she talks. Like you, it was something I didn't realize that she thought I wasn't listening or didn't care what she had to say. I did and I can see how she thought that I didn't.
Steve has strong opinions on how to act and what to do. Maybe he is built that way and maybe we need to be more like him, IDK. I appreciate his advice and know that he means well even if I don't always agree or am not ready to follow it.
Anyway, I know exactly where you are at. I would love for my W to agree to more MC. It's good that she brought it up. Now, does it mean anything? IDK. Is she cake eating? Maybe. Stay detached, but be as attentive as you can when she does open up to you a little bit. It's a fine line that I have not fully learned to walk.
As far as the fashion show---dude, I haven't even been close to it since March. You have more self control that me. I think I would have exploded.
I'm still doing my own GAL. Doing my 180s. Spending time with the four of us as a family. Exercising, eating well. I just had a decent night, one where I felt I was doing the right thing, and now it feels like everyone is throwing stuff from the peanut gallery.
Of course the nice guy mentality is still there. I'm a nice guy. Am I being a doormat? Show me where so I can learn. Giving her the space she needs to decide is being too nice? Kicking her to the curb is the only way of being strong, especially after what we talked about last night?
I'm in the same uncertain boat as you, Pinhead, in terms of trying to find the balance between responsive, validating and listening and not relinquishing boundaries/control/self-respect.
I've had similar flirtation things going on with my own W recently (her showing me her T and A repeatedly, last night she asked me to massage her A more in the context of a back massage because she said it felt so good). I sit there thinking to myself, WTF knowing that if I were to initiate something more it likely would be rebuffed in both the short-term and long-term.
I tend to agree with what the others are saying that your cat is showing interest and meowing at you, but she is still tiptoeing along the fence. Other than not going melty-man and soft on her and staying strong and attractive, I'm not sure what else to suggest. I'm struggling myself with what being strong and attractive would be. I guess if I were in your shoes and based on what she said, it would be just to be the best pinhead you can be and stop focusing on the R or on her moment to moment feelings. Try to focus on what you want, what your values are, what your boundaries are and live them. All this while being prepared to validate her and communicate with her if/when she brings R issues up.
Last edited by bustorama; 08/24/1004:20 PM. Reason: more to say
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Nobody is saying kick anybody to the curb. Stop thinking and start doing.
Quote:
Have a baby sitter set up and a date planned and somethings to talk about other than relationships and moving out.
that would be leading and attractive.
it's not that hard to pull off
BE + DO = HAVE
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm disappointed that you snooped through my emails. I feel like you don't trust me.
I understand that you might get offended when people advise me to protect myself. This is part of the collateral damage done when families are approaching separation and divorce. I've been honest with you about my plans and intentions from the very beginning, and I don't think I've done anything to break this trust. But now I feel like you're searching for things that make you the victim in this.
Please don't snoop anymore. I have nothing to hide, and I won't lock my computer either. But it's disrespectful to me and to our relationship.
I'm disappointed that you snooped through my emails. I feel like you don't trust me.
I understand that you might get offended when people advise me to protect myself. This is part of the collateral damage done when families are approaching separation and divorce. I've been honest with you about my plans and intentions from the very beginning, and I don't think I've done anything to break this trust. But now I feel like Please don't snoop anymore. I have nothing to hide, and I won't lock my computer either. But it's disrespectful to me and to our relationship.
Take a lap.
Be prepared to get blasted back.
Quote:
you're searching for things that make you the victim in this.
Take another lap.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
No,take a lap for being a bonehead. You don't go on about how you feel. It's feminine.
You don't tell her she's the victim (that was for your benefit). Remember it's how she feels, your job is to __________. You invalidated how she feels.
You might not bet blasted but you just went backwards in her mind.
What do you do for a living?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
