To Tell or Not to Tell

[LRT Land]

Goodman - you turned me into a puddle again, but in a good way. I am happy I didn't take the bait. Maybe the pg hormones helped out there as I'm definitely calmer than usual. We have some parenting things that need to be done for school this week. I suppose I should call him and just act normal. When we parted this morning there was no physical contact, whereas we have been hugging/kissing.

I'm not feeling so intelligent right now. I think I should have D'd H when DD was 3 wks old. I've struggled for years to keep the family together - set boundaries - accepted. I did it because my tolerance for the bs was higher due to my own upbringing. Also something to think about before bringing another child into the mayhem.

I went for a long walk before work this morning. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to worry about birth defects, divorce, finances, how I will function at age 47 on no sleep, will I be physically able t 50 to keep up with a 3 yr old, etc. I thought about all the joy a child can bring, and how excited DD would be. There is a real risk another child could end the M. THe first one almost did. Since that impacts DD too, I need to take that into consideration.

The other thing I thought about as I walked is how no matter what I do, our sx life never seems good enough. H can't seem to realize he shoots himself in the foot by reacting as he does and spewing garbage. So I'm trying to think about this pg in two stages, one would I be able to embrace this child if M to H and two would I be able to do so if I were single? I also think about the impact on DD, as I have an older mother and it is painful to witness her decline. Then, if the child does have a defect, will DD feel the responsibility of care if H and I aren't living? My reproductive age may still be 30 or 35, but my chronological age, and H's, are hard and fast numbers.

I've always been pro choice, though after DD was born it was tougher to stand by that position. It is not a decision that I think anyone should ever take lightly, but I do think the choice should be left to the parents and not the government. Everyone should be able to weigh their own set of factors.

Despite having to work beyond retirement and despite the lack of sleep/energy/life, if my M were strong and H were on board I have no doubt I would move forward. But that's not my reality. My reality isn't anywhere close to that.

I'm anxiously awaiting the doctor's call today.