Why are you leaving your computer open for your wife to go thru it after she threatens to D you?
"yes wife, I get that you might be offended by people advising me to protect myself. That is part of the collateral damage done when families split. I had already decided to retain an L and do everything possible so that I am protected financially and with the kids if you pull the trigger."
Do you see how she turns this into her being the victim? It's how she plays on your Mr Nice Guy. When you stand up for yourself is when she will change her feelings. this is a test.
forget about tonite unless you handle things
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
All I can add is now that you're on the right track, don't get caught up examining minutia. it will paralyse you. Will Rogers said: "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
Follow this new direction to see where it goes. It seems like the most promising development that has come along since this all started. Don't forget everything you've learned. I think the whole: "I've seen your changes, and am afraid they wont last" should be added to the WAS Script thread. It seems prevalent enough that the pros all mention that the WA will think it. They don't know that our motivation is not primarilly for their benefit. So it's understandable they think that way. Don't try to argue the point. Just quietly keep on.
In the your most recent posts, it seems your eyes are open and you seem to be leading. Keep it up. Just remember: "Measure twice, cut once". IYKWIM.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
You leave your computer open because you don't have anything to hide. That doesn't include all of this does it? If not, you need to be more careful.
Your buddy's W teaches at OSU. What feild? I'm an Alumn. You should come down and visit him. Maybe for a football game. I'd love to come up and meet up.
Glad to see you started writing again. Guess I didn't follow through on my threat to hound you about it, but You did it anyway. How's it coming?
One last thing: I almost mentioned this at the time, but neither of us seemed to be in the mood for silliness.
The "In and Out, double double"....hmmmm
I'll bet every LBS to a man wouldn't mind a little of that
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Why are you leaving your computer open for your wife to go thru it after she threatens to D you?
"yes wife, I get that you might be offended by people advising me to protect myself. That is part of the collateral damage done when families split. I had already decided to retain an L and do everything possible so that I am protected financially and with the kids if you pull the trigger."
Do you see how she turns this into her being the victim? It's how she plays on your Mr Nice Guy. When you stand up for yourself is when she will change her feelings. this is a test.
forget about tonite unless you handle things
Well, I'd feel really uncomfortable locking her out of the computer. Like I had something to hide.
The thing is, I haven't retained a lawyer. We've both agreed that we don't want to "lawyer up" at this point. So I can't say that.
I think I'll just tell her that "I understand that you might get upset by hearing family give me advice to protect myself. But that's one of the side effects when families split up, and not something to gloss over."
I don't know about locking my computer. I'll have to think about it.
You leave your computer open because you don't have anything to hide. That doesn't include all of this does it? If not, you need to be more careful.
Your buddy's W teaches at OSU. What feild? I'm an Alumn. You should come down and visit him. Maybe for a football game. I'd love to come up and meet up.
Glad to see you started writing again. Guess I didn't follow through on my threat to hound you about it, but You did it anyway. How's it coming?
One last thing: I almost mentioned this at the time, but neither of us seemed to be in the mood for silliness.
The "In and Out, double double"....hmmmm
I'll bet every LBS to a man wouldn't mind a little of that
I'll have to see what dept. my buddie's wife teaches in.
I am pretty safe with my computer. I use a separate browser (Chrome) that she doesn't know about, and after every session I clear any cookies/history etc. Any emails I get that I think are incendiary, I read, delete, and then scrub the trashcan.
Oh, and last night, believe me, the In N Out dbl dbl was on my mind til I fell asleep. She joked as to whether she needed to get me a Playboy, I told her it pales compared to the real thing... She smiled.
It's really easy to fall into a rut, and ask questions that are counterproductive. For me, it's always been, "How was your day?" She can always answer with a single word, then let the conversation die. It isn't a very sincere question.
Instead, I'm going to use "Tell me about your day..." That seems much more inviting, showing that you're interested in the day regardless of how it was.
Just don't push it if she is hesitant to talk about her day. That would be pursuing.
My W has a habit that drives me crazy. She will pause for an interminally long time. Either before answering a question or sometimes she'll start something to get my attention and then just dummy up. I have always thought: what is she doing? Seeing how lng she can keep me waiting on what she wants to say?" what she was really doing was making me pursue her by prompting her to start talking Now, I just say ok keep moving.
It makes her mad that she can't play that game any more. I told her that if she has something to say, she should say it. If she doesn't, so be it.
Now if she wants to talk she knows she needs to spit it out, because I'm not going to drag it out of her anymore. Nor am Igoing to wait for it like a dog waiting on a Scooby snack.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Oh, I won't push. I just think that we say things without really realizing how they come across. To me, "Tell me about your day..." just seems a lot more sincere then the other phrases I use.
"WS, I finally get it... You don't love me the way a woman should love her man. I keep trying to win your love and you don't really love me back and are NOT in love with me. I finally get it.. I don't know what has taken me so long.. Guess I need to be hit over the head with a 2x4 sometimes. Well WS, I DO get it now. I am going to stop trying to win you back. I am going to stop trying to show you how much I love you. Matter of fact I don't know how I feel about you anymore either. I agree that this isn't going to work between us because I want to be with a woman who I love and with one who loves me back. It obviously isn't you."
And THEN you follow through on that promise... She has NOW finally felt heard. This is when you MAY get your chance. stop trying the "method of the day" and stick to what works.
Quote:
And THEN you follow through on that promise...
Wow. You wasted a good one.
Seems to me all you were successful in was spinning your wheels and backing down. You accomplished what? You got your wife to tell you she is unsure of what she wants and that she doesn't know how to get her feelings for you back (I could have told you that) and a glimpse of her skinny butt? Cat Whisperer? Before you go trying the Robx speech next go to the Piggly Wiggly and get some cat litter for a little traction on that ice your tires are spinning on....
You should have persuaded her. "Wife. This is not working. I am not happy the way things are. I don't think a weekend will be enough time for us. You are right about moving out." She needs a crisis in order to start figuring things out for herself.
??? Great job ??? Right Track ??? Positive changes ????
From peewee football: Noone should be talking but the coach. Who's doing the talking? Coach! Now all of you run to the fence and back for talking. lol.
Originally Posted By: coach
Do you understand now why you need to let her go and agree with her? You are standing in her way of feeling better. Enough of trying to fight her feelings they are real.
Sure you love her more than ever, Pinhead. That is because you can't have her. Barely even hold her hand. It's human nature to want what you can't have. But that does not mean you are doing the right thing by her.
Butt... if you are going to start something you might as well finish it, since you really can't go repeating the same speech every night, and PUSH. Have a baby sitter set up and a date planned and somethings to talk about other than relationships and moving out.
