Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'll need to save the dress to the nines technique for a latter day, didn't do so well last night. The reality of sitting in a L office, hit me hard. I was a pile of mush last night. H came over, but the kids had made plans for their godfather to take them to the creek and didn't stick around long. H grabbed some more clothes and stuff and I, like the dork that I am, just sat and cried. I couldn't help it. At least I didn't ask him questions, just sat like a dope and cried. Duh, don't I know better?

Then later S11 was upset when he got home and H wasn't here, he tried to call H, but H wouldn't answer. S11 was still upset at bedtime and called H, H was all perky and really didn't allow S11 to feel sad, so they hung up and S11 cried himself to sleep. It just breaks my heart.

Dag,

The kids are taking their cues from you. It sounds like from your post you "sat around and cried" after the kids left, but still, I'm sure you're wearing this all over your face and your demeanor around them.

Yes, you do know better, so chalk that one up, and get back up on your DB horse, lady. Cuz that dog won't hunt.

Puppy

[MM78]

Dagny - I'm from the same city as you. My parents talked to their friends and got some recs for me up there. Here is one that I remember. If you want the other names I can get them.
http://www.newmanadr.com

[Dagny-2]

Yes, I know better. And thanks for the name. I can't be dumb about this, since my welfare depends on this.

So sending an e-mail to H telling him that his S tried to call him when he got home, but guess he was too busy playing hide the salami with the new girlfriend to answer would be a bad idea? And asking if there is a specific phone the boys should use when they need to talk to him so he would interrupt his sex time for them? Too nasty? My fingers are dying to type it.

[mishka422]

Yeah, probably not the best way to go.

This is the new reality, such as your H sees it, and he is going to be selfish in the extreme...count on it. He will tell himself and you that the kids 'will be just fine' and 'they'll bounce back'. Common phrases that WAH's use to comfort themselves...expect it.

Right now, you are doing the right things for yourself. Talking to L's, making changes around your home, being there for your boys. All positive things. Like you said, you know what NOT to do so.....STOP IT! It's very difficult to put on a strong, happy face around everyone but you need to in order to get your life in order. Cry only when you are completely alone and can guarantee that no one will walk in on you - find one. My favorite spots were the shower and alone in the car.

Most of all, get a social life in order pronto! Are your kids in school yet? Get involved in the PTSO, club activities, find a local women's group or a book club. Get a network going. You are in a new city and opportunities abound but you must seek them out, they won't come to you. Try meetup.com. BE PROACTIVE!

I'm sending huge hugs out to you. You know we all understand the pain you are going through and we are here for you.

Blessings!

Michelle

P.S. - I don't know your religious background, but there is a wonderful group called Divorcecare that is a nationwide group run mostly through churches that helps you to deal with the stages of S and D. You can search their website for locations near you.

[Dagny-2]

I just re-read some of the posts, and the kids are taking their cues from me and I need to be strong. I work at home, so I can break down when they are at school, but when they are around I need to suck it up. I looked up divorcecare and a group starts here in September, so that is good. I must set some GAL goals, but I still need to follow through on my "set him free" goals.

So H called and I just relayed some facts to him, he had some house issues to share with me and I shared some kid stuff, though I did tell him S11 had a rough night last night, I just stated it, didn't try to guilt it up, but I'm wondering if I should even relay that information. S11 wants to talk to him and I want H to know that he is upset when he gets voicemail. But I was upbeat during the conversation, let him know I told the guidance couselor since S11 is struggling and didn't tell the new church I just registered. So many land mines to be avoiding. Overall, behaved much more how I want to behave than last night.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Attagirl, Dag.

And yes, I do think you can -- and should -- share with him that kind of information about how your kids are doing. Just matter-of-fact, "thought-you-should-know" kinda tone and delivery.

Puppy

[Dagny-2]

I agree, he needs to know, he may not hear that they are having difficulty, but that is his problem and not mine.

Just read the thread of when H reads your threads, at this time, I don't think H cares enough about me, but he does know I relied on this board heavily last time, and I want to keep my thoughts to myself. I aged myself, thought it will be a good reminder at age 48 I won't be in this spot, I'll be somewhere new: In a better M with H; or on my own and strong. I also moved to Mississippi and gave myself a daughter. Hey sis, you now have a niece. The boys would be thrilled!

Dagny

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hey sis, you now have a niece. The boys would be thrilled!

LOL!!!

[mishka422]

LOL!!! Good one!

[Dagny-2]

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.

A friend emailed him about boundaries, because he is just coming over to the house when he wants and she thinks that isn't fair to me. So now H wants to change our Labor Day plans of driving 12 hours together and him taking the boys to a football game. The 3 of them are to fly home (connecting flights, so I can't have the kids do that alone), so H wants to just fly up and get them that day and have me drive them up myself that Friday night (I'm ok driving during the day, not overnight to get to a game the next day). He said about 10x, that the boys need to get used to that there IS NO MORE 4 OF US and this is just sending the wrong message. And that by my chosing to stay in TN that it is my choice to drive at night with them. These plans were all made before I knew that he was in love with some slut. I did stay calm on the phone and didn't let any of the comments I wanted to make to slip out. I was even cheerful. So here I am venting and wanting to run home and stop living here, but then if we were 12 hours away would there be any chance to save my M?????