+ I will listen to my GUT INSTINCT upon receiving the letter for our baby. NO - this material is UNWELCOME in my home. It hurts me and my healing and I think it's UNHEALTHY for our child. My WH needs a psychiatrist to sort out his childhood issues. He won't sort them out on my or our baby's ground.
My IC had a weird suggestion: write back to WH ...from baby's perspective! "What would she tell him or ask him?" My reply: Um, "Where are you, Dad?"
I don't think really think I/we need to go there. IC must be having an OFF day. Trying to get me to see this from bub's perspective - for e.g. will she be upset with me one day for asking him not to write or not giving her the letters.
I've decided to plough ahead and tell him that I would prefer it if he didn't write and put the responsibility of when and how to share the letters with her onto me.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
'Put Your Big Girl Panties On' sounds like a good book! I may need to make a trip to the book store!
Sad to hear that your WH is placing the responsibility on you... It is exactly how I took it anyways. Like send the letters and if Piano shows them to bub then great, but if she doesnt then it will be P's fault for keeping the letters from bub? right?
Why dont you write back something like
Dear WH, I recieved your letter and was surprised to receive it. I understand your need to express your feelings and your wantimg to connect with bub however i find that you are placing more resonsibilty on me. We both know it will be years before she can read and understand them, so it now becomes my responsibilty to read them to her. perhaps you should keep a journal and give it to bub when she is much older. You know that more than anything i want you to be an active part of her life and for her to be loved by you. im not sure a letter is the best way to show an infant, toddler or child of any age how much you love her in the form of a letter only. Dont want to discourage you from reacing out to her and showing her you care just dont think the letters are an effective way of doing so.
its a way putting the responsibility back on him. and letting him no you want him to be a part of bub's life . you do dont you?
i agree with waiting to reply. I also think the letter is not just meant for bub... although it is directed to her, he knows she cant read and you are the one who is receiving it...
i find it interesting actually. maybe you should wait and see what the next letter or two have to say?
About the letters - tell him to write them and keep them and give to her himself when she can read. Tell him you're not a courier and don't want to be involved.
I agree with Seeing Red. Bub is way too young to even understand what you're saying, let alone that they are letters from her absent father. Tell him no writing until she's old enough to read. Since he hasn't been a constant in her life since birth she probably doesn't even realize he's gone yet.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
Yep- your WH can keep the letters and give to her later.
Good for you to start taking care of yourself.
He doesn't want the marriage, then he doesn't get the benefits of it which include "holding his letters" for your D! wtf?
And detaching from them does not mean we act like jerks or anything. We simply stop caring so much about what they think of us. Could it really be that simple?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
NM, I think you hit the jackpot. Detaching is not caring so much. Like that friend you keep forgetting to call back, cos they're just not high on your excitement list!
The letters, the letters... Am I supposed to break NC to email him about the letters? I don't want to be the first to contact him, and besides, like BD, I am now midly curious about what the next one will say.. that is, IF there will be a next one.
I must be bored. In fact, I know I am.
Now that WH and MIL have gone, so too has the drama and it's starring queens.
I now just miss my special friend. The person that comes home at night, that I text 10 times a day and speak to on the phone every couple of hours. It's the first time in my adult life I am without a partner.
Thank God I have bub to kiss n cuddle.
H is also on my mind every couple of minutes of each day. I am starting to get 'hazy' on the detail of what happened post bomb. It's a year since I fell pregnant. Can't remember ordinary conversations with WH pre-bomb. Is this normal?
