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How do you know she was lying? Isn't it possible that she perceived your actions as 'mean'? Were you mad?

1. she posted a big note outside my front door that read "the door is unlocked, your h is upstairs sleeping." i told her in a gentle tone that it's probably not a good idea to announce that the door is unlocked for safety reasons. she nodded in agreement. next thing i know, she's crying her eyes out and declaring to my h that i'm mad at her and that she was only trying to help. she later apologized for being dramatic. and i wasn't mad but when she starts balling and making up crap like that, i get mad.

2. when she comes to visit, she is constantly looking for housework to do. and i tell her that her time in our home should be about relaxing and taking a break from housework. i have it all under control. she will insist on doing housework. my h says just let her. i let her do a few things around the house and i say thank you. she feel needed. all is good, right? next thing i know, my fil tells me that mil goes home and tells everyone she doesn't like to visit us because all she does is housework and that we are ungrateful and unappreciative of her help.
uh .. she insisted on helping out. we said ok so she doesn't start balling. and now she says we are ungrateful and implies that we made her do housework?

3. one night i asked her if she would like some tea because then i will make a pot of tea to share with her. she replies "it doesn't matter, i'll have whatever you're having". and my h says to me "she responded that way because she was afraid of you!" .. excuse me? since when was asking if she wanted tea a threat? i'm like .. wtf?

should i go on?

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What did she do or say?

when we were packing to move out of our home, i simply asked where the bbq lighters were. she snapped at me and said "well i didn't take them! i'm not that kind of person. look dumped, i could buy you a new one. what are they? $1.29?" i was dumbfounded. i just asked where they were and she snarked at me? and btw, the next day she returned the bbq lighters to me because apparently she took them. not that kind of person, huh?

after all was packed, she said she cleaned my h's bathroom. the only thing left was the shower stall that had to be cleaned. my h said he would do it. so i told my h that he should use baking soda to clean it. and mil snarks back again .. "hey, i have a great idea. why don't you (me) clean the shower stall?" and she glares at me.

excuse me? uh, i'm the only person who has ever cleaned that shower stall during our m. and after your son dropped the d-bomb on me and took over the master ensuite, that's his grime that she's asking me to clean. am i going to clean that shower stall that i had no use of? no.

in both cases, i did not reply. did not snap back. i let it go. like every incident where she pushed my buttons. i let it go. i've let a lot of things go and they have not.

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Do you equate being nice to someone with being a doormat? Do you also think that being cold is 'standing up for yourself'?

no, but i don't want to be treated the way that i have described above. i don't treat others that way. i never even joke about making someone do work like that. i don't run to my h and cry my eyes out and say that his mother is being unfair. i'm not a drama queen .. we're adults.

i also don't put up with racial comments. she tends to refer to non-caucasians as "you people". she once asked me if "you people celebrate christmas". you people? she offended some of my friends at my wedding because she referred to them as 'you people'.

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Are you saying that if you reconciled, your H would have to understand that you would never again be nice to his mother because the way you demonstrate self worth is to hold a grudge and punish the offender indefinitely?

no, reconciling would mean that if i am willing to let all that go, he will have to smooth things over on his parents side. i have taken care of them in the past. i did not hate them. in fact, i cared a great deal about them. i recalled his father reminscing about his childhood and his favorite candy bar. so i went on a mission to look for that old school candy bar. i found it and bought all they had. send it to my fil for his b-day one year. it's the thought that counts and he loved it. my h kept saying "i can't believe you found those candy bars."

my mil's friends talk about how they do mother-daughter stuff on weekends. and we try to give her bigger and better things to talk/brag about with her friends. i put creative mother's day gifts for her. i put thought into things for her.

whenever we visit them, i spend a good couple of days doing maintenance on their individual computers. my h doesn't do it. i do. i take care of their systems. we go over their bills to ensure they are not getting ripped off. i spend a great deal of time making sure that things are in order.

i take photos of them .. to capture their time together. mil keeps talking about how fil might die tomorrow. i take pictures of them at every opportunity i can get.

and yet they believe that my h made a mistake in marrying me? they reap the benefits and now they can discard me just like that? i feel very used.

i am willing to make amends with them. but it will take time. a lot of damage was done. a lot of work would have to be put into fixing this. and i need to know if my h is willing to put in the work. i have my doubts.

rehashing the above doesn't help me at the moment because it just fuels the anger in me. it's re-living the past which i have to get over in order to move forward.

i already know i have taken steps back. i cannot afford to do that now.