WAH and LBW separated and dark

[Dudess]

Are you envisioning a reconciliation where it's not a problem for him if you treat his mother coldly?

during the marriage, she cried to get her way and lied about me to my h (said i was mad and mean to her when i wasn't).

How do you know she was lying? Isn't it possible that she perceived your actions as 'mean'? Were you mad?


after h declared it was over, she took liberties at me and was disrespectful towards me in my own home.

What did she do or say?

reconciliation doesn't mean that i'd be sacrificing my self-worth to be a doormat to h and his family. i will not do that for my h or for my m.
Do you equate being nice to someone with being a doormat? Do you also think that being cold is 'standing up for yourself'?

Are you saying that if you reconciled, your H would have to understand that you would never again be nice to his mother because the way you demonstrate self worth is to hold a grudge and punish the offender indefinitely?

[DumpedforMIL]

How do you know she was lying? Isn't it possible that she perceived your actions as 'mean'? Were you mad?

1. she posted a big note outside my front door that read "the door is unlocked, your h is upstairs sleeping." i told her in a gentle tone that it's probably not a good idea to announce that the door is unlocked for safety reasons. she nodded in agreement. next thing i know, she's crying her eyes out and declaring to my h that i'm mad at her and that she was only trying to help. she later apologized for being dramatic. and i wasn't mad but when she starts balling and making up crap like that, i get mad.

2. when she comes to visit, she is constantly looking for housework to do. and i tell her that her time in our home should be about relaxing and taking a break from housework. i have it all under control. she will insist on doing housework. my h says just let her. i let her do a few things around the house and i say thank you. she feel needed. all is good, right? next thing i know, my fil tells me that mil goes home and tells everyone she doesn't like to visit us because all she does is housework and that we are ungrateful and unappreciative of her help.
uh .. she insisted on helping out. we said ok so she doesn't start balling. and now she says we are ungrateful and implies that we made her do housework?

3. one night i asked her if she would like some tea because then i will make a pot of tea to share with her. she replies "it doesn't matter, i'll have whatever you're having". and my h says to me "she responded that way because she was afraid of you!" .. excuse me? since when was asking if she wanted tea a threat? i'm like .. wtf?

should i go on?

What did she do or say?

when we were packing to move out of our home, i simply asked where the bbq lighters were. she snapped at me and said "well i didn't take them! i'm not that kind of person. look dumped, i could buy you a new one. what are they? $1.29?" i was dumbfounded. i just asked where they were and she snarked at me? and btw, the next day she returned the bbq lighters to me because apparently she took them. not that kind of person, huh?

after all was packed, she said she cleaned my h's bathroom. the only thing left was the shower stall that had to be cleaned. my h said he would do it. so i told my h that he should use baking soda to clean it. and mil snarks back again .. "hey, i have a great idea. why don't you (me) clean the shower stall?" and she glares at me.

excuse me? uh, i'm the only person who has ever cleaned that shower stall during our m. and after your son dropped the d-bomb on me and took over the master ensuite, that's his grime that she's asking me to clean. am i going to clean that shower stall that i had no use of? no.

in both cases, i did not reply. did not snap back. i let it go. like every incident where she pushed my buttons. i let it go. i've let a lot of things go and they have not.

Do you equate being nice to someone with being a doormat? Do you also think that being cold is 'standing up for yourself'?

no, but i don't want to be treated the way that i have described above. i don't treat others that way. i never even joke about making someone do work like that. i don't run to my h and cry my eyes out and say that his mother is being unfair. i'm not a drama queen .. we're adults.

i also don't put up with racial comments. she tends to refer to non-caucasians as "you people". she once asked me if "you people celebrate christmas". you people? she offended some of my friends at my wedding because she referred to them as 'you people'.

Are you saying that if you reconciled, your H would have to understand that you would never again be nice to his mother because the way you demonstrate self worth is to hold a grudge and punish the offender indefinitely?

no, reconciling would mean that if i am willing to let all that go, he will have to smooth things over on his parents side. i have taken care of them in the past. i did not hate them. in fact, i cared a great deal about them. i recalled his father reminscing about his childhood and his favorite candy bar. so i went on a mission to look for that old school candy bar. i found it and bought all they had. send it to my fil for his b-day one year. it's the thought that counts and he loved it. my h kept saying "i can't believe you found those candy bars."

my mil's friends talk about how they do mother-daughter stuff on weekends. and we try to give her bigger and better things to talk/brag about with her friends. i put creative mother's day gifts for her. i put thought into things for her.

whenever we visit them, i spend a good couple of days doing maintenance on their individual computers. my h doesn't do it. i do. i take care of their systems. we go over their bills to ensure they are not getting ripped off. i spend a great deal of time making sure that things are in order.

i take photos of them .. to capture their time together. mil keeps talking about how fil might die tomorrow. i take pictures of them at every opportunity i can get.

and yet they believe that my h made a mistake in marrying me? they reap the benefits and now they can discard me just like that? i feel very used.

i am willing to make amends with them. but it will take time. a lot of damage was done. a lot of work would have to be put into fixing this. and i need to know if my h is willing to put in the work. i have my doubts.

rehashing the above doesn't help me at the moment because it just fuels the anger in me. it's re-living the past which i have to get over in order to move forward.

i already know i have taken steps back. i cannot afford to do that now.

[DumpedforMIL]

sigh .. i wanted to delete that post. it's unproductive.

i will take forrest's advice and stop posting for a while.

[LauraOh]

Hey D4ML, don't forget to go to my thread and post--you are getting good at this, and I love when you add your insight!

You are so funny, girl. You sound like 2 different people. There is the girl that posts to me, and there is the one here.

Here's some homework for you--imagine what life will be like when you reconcile. Go to the best-case scenario and start to think it through in your mind. See the old issues but now see them with your new eyeballs. When you think of something negative, well, let me back up--put a rubber band on your wrist first--then when you think of something negative, snap yourself REALLY HARD.

It doesn't matter if you win your H back in the end or not--your thinking is ridiculously negative--I mean--my 17 year old neighbor thinks like this --not a grown adult woman!!

I need to do the ole rubber band trick myself--helps with the "stinkin thinkin" we do to ourselves.

Smile, help someone, be positive, and get back to that person that was here a couple of weeks ago--the compassionate, confident one.

You knw what I envision one day? Hugging my M-in-law and F-in-law and laughing and crying and telling them how much I love them and THANK YOU for being the people that gave me my H. He has taught me SO MUCH about this world and life and the people out there that are so amazing. The hope and wonder that is this world.

What can they have done that I won't forgive them for for teaching me THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS ABOUT LIFE!!!?

[DumpedforMIL]

So.. you did it to yourself?

Do you believe everything you read?

Don't say yes.. cause I will disagree with you.

depends on the source. but it made some sense to me.
yes, i did it to myself. can't stop analyzing and contingency planning.

If it was truly a deal breaker.. you would have already been filing. The way I "see" it is it is just you looking for the answer. Again.. I don't think it would change things for you.

Assume he is. It is the smart thing to do.

What now?

well, if that was the case the i file. but you told me to hold off on the filing. let him do it if that's what he wants.

Your L is telling you to try and have a sit down with him.

That seems fairly important to me.

yes but i have to have a means of contacting him. he won't answer the door, won't take my calls, blocked me from every IM app out there, oh yeah .. and blocked me from his cell phone. that's why i got nothing back from the text i sent.

I don't care if he ever "sees" it. This is not the goal. He has to make the choice to come back. If he does.. I want you ready. I am thinking ahead.. and preparing you for what might come. You are still living in the moment.

i want him to make the choice to come back as well. but what i see is that he's made his choice. sorry, THEY have made his choice and he agrees with it.

i want to be ready as well. but i also need to be prepared for the worst. like i said, i sense the three of them plotting a legal war against me. and i'm afraid i won't be prepared for what's coming. his lawyer has allowed him to do whatever he wants. drag this on .. sure. you want more? sure .. let's keep going. let's see who lasts longer.

I thought you had caught up some.

i always knew i wasn't quite there yet. i knew that being happy wasn't enough. there had to be more. a mindset shift. and that wasn't there yet.

"my separation is starting to become longer than most."

Really? Hmm.. I know a few people that have you beat... and they have kids.

this makes me feel worse. i have no kids. leaving him no reason to contact me at all. did these few people reconcile or are they headed down the d road?

I am not the one you want supporting you when you are down. I am here to push you. As history has shown.. I will do it to a fault. Call me a "drama queen".

don't give up on me. the road is very long. and i need to continue to fight. i am venting my thoughts. it's better than me holding that back and not "telling" you and making you think everything is all hunky dory.

But I only post where I think I can help. I would not be wasting my time if I did not think you had a chance. Nothing I have seen so far has said to me.. this "stitch" is done.

then we keep going. whatever happens in the end, i don't want to be more hurt than when i started this journey. my parents' biggest fear is that i will end my life and they won't be here to stop me. i don't want to hit rock bottom in the end. that's probably all i ask for. is to not let me get to rock bottom .. don't leave me on the floor when this all ends. but i may not be able to get myself back up. yes, i am very scared. this is part of me that i am risking. be vulnerable? unheard of.

But.. you have to step out of your comfort zone.. and test the waters. It is gonna sting a bit.. but that is life.

You need to GAL.. some more.

Think about what you want.

will do.

[DumpedforMIL]

Hey D4ML, don't forget to go to my thread and post--you are getting good at this, and I love when you add your insight!

you are too kind, lauraoh.

You are so funny, girl. You sound like 2 different people. There is the girl that posts to me, and there is the one here.

it is weird.
last week, i was helping some poor guy out on newcomers. and i never post advice on anybody's thread. the reason why i don't post advice is because i have to walk the walk before i talk the talk. i can't tell someone to do something and not do it or believe it myself. i am a person of integrity. so the only advice i would give is if i believe/do it myself. otherwise, it's just lip service and i could be doing harm rather than helping someone's sitch.

the real me would be tough like sandi2. i can be very blunt and hard on someone. and i'm trying not to be that way. but i always have the best intentions for people.

Smile, help someone, be positive, and get back to that person that was here a couple of weeks ago--the compassionate, confident one.

yeah, i need to get back to the basics once again.

i will get back to the basics and start some new GAL work.

i saw myself retreat back to my old self - hence the different person.

i'll go back to your thread. infidelity is addictive. but it's like a train wreck and you can't look away.

[DumpedforMIL]

journaling ...

what do you do when there is a really nice guy in front of you and getting to know you and you can't stop smiling?

this would be guy #4 .. we are just friends at the moment. i knew him from another squash club but didn't talk to him much. got to know him over the summer. we exchanged numbers. then he started texting me. when he returned from the squash tournament over the weekend, he sent me a text at 2 am to let me know he was home. we talk on and off at the club - one of those things where you don't want to be so obvious with each other in front of our friends. i have no idea if he's single or not. our discussions don't go there but he has been playing squash on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. heck, he wouldn't even tell me how old he is - he is definitely older than the rest of the group. it feels awkward for me because i'm still married. if i wasn't married, this guy would be a pretty good catch.

for me, it's just different being with someone who is nice to me for a change. i felt neglected and inadequate for a long time. when someone comes along and talks to you like a human being .. you start to wonder why you're hanging on to someone who doesn't want to be with you.

i won't act on it. i'm still 'married' yet i'm also alone.

[LauraOh]

You are a nice, friendly girl who gives the guys a bit of a thrill at squash. Nothing wrong about that. You still have unfinished business, but if that gets resolved and you are still alone, no harm in making a friend or two along the way.

I say whatever gives your confidence a boost is OK. And I hear you about a nice guy talking to you like a human. I have had that a time or two (thank you Lowes!!) and it is wonderful. Thanks to all those guys out there that, interested or not, make you smile!!

[DumpedforMIL]

ever since i started going places solo, i've received a lot of attention.

guy #1 was way too young. asked me to join him and his friends for sushi. i think he found out that i was old enough to be his mother, he backed off big time.
guy #2 is not a good squash player but talks a big talk on how good he is. he kept asking me to play on sunday morning. i've avoided him since. yet, my friends still tease me about it ("he's so hitting on you and he's not getting it").
guy #3 was an hr recruiter/stalker. he seemed nice at first but when i met him in person, he basically lied about his appearance. he was not my type and i was not attracted. he was really interested in me .. told me i had nice eyes and a pretty smile.

fourth time is a charm? he's really nice .. i am finding that he's a lot like me. we both take an interest in nice cars, he dresses well, looks young for his age, decent job, loves family (but not like my h who's enmeshed with his), and he's active - sports, hits the gym. he's in shape .. like me.

we're just friends at the moment. like i said, i don't act on anything.

but forrest asked me to do some more GAL and figure out what i want. and i'm trying to figure out what i want. i know that so many have said to me that i need to go out there and realize that my h isn't the only person on earth. so i have gone out and made some friends. at first, nobody was my type. now suddenly, this guy comes along .. who i totally didn't expect and i start to realize that there are some nice guys out there.

my expectation was that guys my age would either come with a lot of baggage, let themselves go, looks far too old for their age, or have no interests.

me? i'm active, i take care of myself, i have interests (cars, sports, wine, cooking, fashion, trivia games, etc), and i'm financially stable. i don't need a man but in order to join me in my world, you have to have something to bring to the table that i don't have.

i've learned that i don't want to drag someone through my life because that's like not bringing anything to the table and now you're eating off my plate. look, i'll share but you have to bring something to share with me too. if you have nothing to add to my life, then you're not the one for me.

I say whatever gives your confidence a boost is OK. And I hear you about a nice guy talking to you like a human. I have had that a time or two (thank you Lowes!!) and it is wonderful. Thanks to all those guys out there that, interested or not, make you smile!!

it's really just a confidence booster.
but you also realize that you can't settle any more.
i think i bring a lot to the table. i start to see the value in myself.

[Forrest Gump]

"You are so funny, girl. You sound like 2 different people. There is the girl that posts to me, and there is the one here."

I agree...

Why is that? Is she "crazy" or something?

I do like LauraOh's suggestions. I have my doubt's about whether a rubber band is gonna do the trick.

"depends on the source. but it made some sense to me.
yes, i did it to myself. can't stop analyzing and contingency planning."

But.. what are you really planning for? As you know I am a big fan of the power "within". So.. from my point of view.. you seem to be planning to fail. How does that move YOU forward? Can you understand after our little ride here.. why I get "upset" when you run off and do "something" else? I am not angry with you.. I understand it to a point.. but I KNOW.. you can do better than self-torture.

"well, if that was the case the i file. but you told me to hold off on the filing. let him do it if that's what he wants."

It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you were reading DB.com.. and you felt like posting would help.. you are on the fence with an affair would end the show. There are a few people that would end the show. You.. I personally believe.. are NOT.. one of those few. If an affair was a deal breaker.. I don't think I would be posting to you. Why else would you be preparing for the possibility? Is you inner "Emotion" telling you something?

You are not doing this because I told you too. You have done a ton of things I have told you not to do.

"yes but i have to have a means of contacting him. he won't answer the door, won't take my calls, blocked me from every IM app out there, oh yeah .. and blocked me from his cell phone. that's why i got nothing back from the text i sent."

This is something we will talk about later. When you figure out how he blocked a specific number from ever ringing his phone.. please explain. I have tried.. it is really hard.. impossible.. for me. Maybe you live somewhere special. If it is that easy.. I may move.

"i always knew i wasn't quite there yet. i knew that being happy wasn't enough. there had to be more. a mindset shift. and that wasn't there yet."

So keep working.

"this makes me feel worse. i have no kids. leaving him no reason to contact me at all. did these few people reconcile or are they headed down the d road?"

Little bit of both. Some people just decided to end it.

"don't give up on me. the road is very long. and i need to continue to fight. i am venting my thoughts. it's better than me holding that back and not "telling" you and making you think everything is all hunky dory."

Why would I give up? Even if you lie to me.. I can "see" it. There are specific things I look for.

"don't want to be more hurt than when i started this journey. my parents' biggest fear is that i will end my life and they won't be here to stop me."

Gonna address this one straight on. You have thrown it out there a few times. I hope you are beyond that point. I hope you understand that no one.. no one.. is worth giving up your life for. If not.. get help. There are so many things out there that will address this 10,000 times better than me. I would be the one pushing you to do it. Or, driving you to it.

That.. is never an answer. It takes the pain you feel.. and applies it to the people around you. If you have walked this road.. you know what it feels like. I personally would not wish "this" on my worst enemy. I absolutely never want the people I care about who love me to "feel" this. Just like a WA.. it ends their "pain". But sometimes.. the LB suffer more. The Left Behinds.. in this case.. have a chance to change things. Not so much in the other case.

Dumped.. Everything you do.. Everything you say.. can change something. There is value in that. It may not be exactly what you want at that point in time. But 10 times out of 10 if you keep changing.. keep acting smartly.. something will jump out and grab you with happiness.

So...

With that said..

Dating was one of the things I told you not to do...

Now I see it has happened 4 times?

I see some cheese chasing. And no real "Work".

"the real me would be tough like sandi2"

Where is Sandi2 when you need her?