As usual, I land on the mainstay of the philosophy of life I have had for almost 2 decades now. Everything is a variable and it's all outside of our control. Life flows of its own accord and you can't fight it. Fighting it is what causes suffering. Like the say, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.
I find the greatest peace when I move with life and navigate as best I can inside the space it takes me. It is serendipitous in the way it works. One event is leading us to another. Something that looks terrible brings us to a place that is more beautiful than anything we have ever experienced. Hitting a long sought after goal proves to be empty and pointless. Missing our goal teaches us something that is extremely valuable to us later on in life.
The river anaolgy lives here. And I GET that one. No more "fruitless paddling" for me.
Originally Posted By: Steady
You can't act on what you think the effects will be. There is NO WAY to possibly know....It's so simple we overlook it so often, defaulting back to human nature which wants to know the future, wants to calculate how our actions/words will play out as life unfolds. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE
getting this slowly. Keep hammering.
Originally Posted By: Steady
I understand this dynamic and I also see as long as she is stuck in her dysfunctional issues and I continue to grow into a MAN, we will be opposite poles of a magnet. Neither one of us will be attracted to each other. Healthy people aren't attracted to unhealthy people.
With this in mind, I do what I do because it is best for ME. I will not stop my growth in order to obtain some effect of her coming back. That would be asinine
And really starting to understand this is where we will end up. And then it will be fresh choices. She will be attracted or not. I will take her back or not. Can't know either now. No expectations.
Originally Posted By: Steady
When you improve yourself and your life things will happen -
1. The improvements you make will conflict even more with your S's dysfunction and the relationship will terminate.
2. The improvements you make will cause your spouse to become attracted to you and there might be a chance at reconciliation-only if both people are willing to address their issues and improve themselves.
Both people in the R created the dysfunctional R we all found ourselves in when the bomb was dropped. If BOTH people don't work through their individual issues how can the M work?
Oddly, this should be hammered in sooner on this board. However, if it was, few would like the 1st option and bail before they got to the personal growth where they could even understand it's truth.
