As usual, I land on the mainstay of the philosophy of life I have had for almost 2 decades now. Everything is a variable and it's all outside of our control. Life flows of its own accord and you can't fight it. Fighting it is what causes suffering. Like the say, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.
I find the greatest peace when I move with life and navigate as best I can inside the space it takes me. It is serendipitous in the way it works. One event is leading us to another. Something that looks terrible brings us to a place that is more beautiful than anything we have ever experienced. Hitting a long sought after goal proves to be empty and pointless. Missing our goal teaches us something that is extremely valuable to us later on in life.
The river anaolgy lives here. And I GET that one. No more "fruitless paddling" for me.
Originally Posted By: Steady
You can't act on what you think the effects will be. There is NO WAY to possibly know....It's so simple we overlook it so often, defaulting back to human nature which wants to know the future, wants to calculate how our actions/words will play out as life unfolds. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE
getting this slowly. Keep hammering.
Originally Posted By: Steady
I understand this dynamic and I also see as long as she is stuck in her dysfunctional issues and I continue to grow into a MAN, we will be opposite poles of a magnet. Neither one of us will be attracted to each other. Healthy people aren't attracted to unhealthy people.
With this in mind, I do what I do because it is best for ME. I will not stop my growth in order to obtain some effect of her coming back. That would be asinine
And really starting to understand this is where we will end up. And then it will be fresh choices. She will be attracted or not. I will take her back or not. Can't know either now. No expectations.
Originally Posted By: Steady
When you improve yourself and your life things will happen -
1. The improvements you make will conflict even more with your S's dysfunction and the relationship will terminate.
2. The improvements you make will cause your spouse to become attracted to you and there might be a chance at reconciliation-only if both people are willing to address their issues and improve themselves.
Both people in the R created the dysfunctional R we all found ourselves in when the bomb was dropped. If BOTH people don't work through their individual issues how can the M work?
Oddly, this should be hammered in sooner on this board. However, if it was, few would like the 1st option and bail before they got to the personal growth where they could even understand it's truth.
Oddly, this should be hammered in sooner on this board. However, if it was, few would like the 1st option and bail before they got to the personal growth where they could even understand it's truth.
It's funny you said that, because that's one of the thoughts I had when I wrote it.
Yes, there is a downside to improving ourselves. People will disappear. When I quit drinking at 24 all my drinking buddies dropped one by one because I no longer went out and partied. I began hanging out with people who didn't drink like addicts. When I drank I thought everyone drank the way we did.
When I began looking inside of myself and making my way through the myriad tunnels to clean out crap, well, I lost my friends. I was a reflection of what they weren't doing. So they silently walked away over time. Again, I started being surrounded by people who were into doing what I was doing.
People who evolve outgrow the people in their lives that aren't growing. It's a force of nature and a byproduct of evolving.
This happens in any relationship dynamic. I've seen it repeated over and over.
This is why a S can come back, but if both people don't find and resolve their baggage which caused the problems (the symptoms of the underlying dysfunctional R skills) they will never have a healthy R.
I have a belief this is why we are attracted to the people we are attracted to. It happens at a totally unconscious level and has everything to do with issues which need to be resolved in order for us to grow into more complete, integrated, healthy and vibrant people. My opinion only based on my own experiences and observations of people I have known.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Not sure what train you are referring to but I believe I should lay low for a couple days. Stay of the books; try to relax my brain; concenterate on the job I've been barely doing and my D while I have her.
I'm gonna see how much Tue-Thursday I can absorb.
See what filters out in my mind.
I might just be suffering a Homer moment-
Originally Posted By: Homer Simpson
...every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain - remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
People who evolve outgrow the people in their lives that aren't growing. It's a force of nature and a byproduct of evolving. This is why a S can come back, but if both people don't find and resolve their baggage which caused the problems (the symptoms of the underlying dysfunctional R skills) they will never have a healthy R.
I have a belief this is why we are attracted to the people we are attracted to. It happens at a totally unconscious level and has everything to do with issues which need to be resolved in order for us to grow into more complete, integrated, healthy and vibrant people.
I'm going to internalize this as this may turn out to be how my sitch goes,too.
An upside to this evolotion is we may also meet people who ARE evolving. That's good.
As far as the being attracted to to certain people, I also thought of something equally pertinent. Consider how many people surf this board and our threads.
And yet maybe only a half dozen will post and watch yours. They must be seeing/sensing "something" that compels them to stick around.
And, again, as far as evolving, I now know some interesting folks with a similar goal all over N America becasue of this little experience.
As far as the being attracted to to certain people, I also thought of something equally pertinent. Consider how many people surf this board and our threads.
And yet maybe only a half dozen will post and watch yours. They must be seeing/sensing "something" that compels them to stick around.
Sometimes... I wonder if the board itself is the final stumbling block to personal evolution.
Now... don't get me wrong. It doesn't have to be this way, and some people who leave it only leave because they have reconcilled or found somebody knew and have stopped evolving, but sometimes I wonder... if sticking around and discussing other peoples' problems and perhaps our own problems is just another way of staying stuck.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
It can become an obsession. It can trap you in the past It can prevent absolute and complete detachment It can cloud your mind with too many opinions A different addiction
I can see that point too. Most of the time you can tell if someone's evolving by the way he/she writes. You can also tell when he/she starts helping other people whether or not that person has worked through things and is now ready to give back or just let all of this become an addiction. Where would we all be without the profound experiences of those before us to help us through??? I am SO glad they've stuck around!
I know you probably aren't talking about those types: just wanted to add that! :-)
The difference between mere opinion and "sound advice" is usually pretty clear.
One may confuse you or slow you down. The other may take a minute to gel or immediately "hit you like a hammer" and clear your sinuses with it's truth.
In the beginning, it's tough to tell them apart because it's all new and almost ALL of DB'ing is counterintuitive.
But once you inderstand the "logic" of DB, and the secondary agenda (personal growth- actually it's the primary but disguised as the secondary- they are reversed-the D Busting is a potential secondary effect), it gets clearer which is which.
You will also notice which "Enchanters" are focusing on keeping you aware of the growth path and which are keeping you on the DB path. There are two motivations at work simultaneously- a simultaneous focus.
