Relocated the family and he dropped the bomb

[steady]

These are 'easy' to answer though. Critiquing was the basis of my whole career - in quality assurance I was a 'nitpicker'. My job and success was based on me finding fault with the work of others. I realize this is not conducive to relationships.

No it isn't conducive. It's counter-productive. It also causes the man to stop taking the initiative because why bother if I'm sure she'll have some criticism. I lived this in my M. This in turn creates a loop where the W starts to feel like they have to do everything and the H is not carrying his load. Unbeknownst to the W, she 'accidentaly' co-created the dynamic. H didn't stand firm against the criticism and explain people will do things differently. Doesn't make one way right and the other wrong. (His part in co-creating dynamic)

I do not think I am overly critical but I think that just being around when he is with the kids, they gravitate to ward me because I anticipate their needs, I know when things are about to escalate and can diffuse their tantrums, etc.

So, what if you didn't anticipate their needs? What would happen that would be so terrible. What would happen if you let your H deal with them? Do you think he would learn to anticipate their needs? I was never afforded that opportunity. So here I am now, single parenting my kids and I have learned to anticipate their needs. How did I do that? It took me being alone parenting them. Whenever my W was in the picture she would step in which never gave me the opportunity to learn the same skill. What if you took the pencil out of your kids hand everytime they went to write a letter and wrote it for them? Would they ever learn to write?

I have made comments that were meant to be silly regarding his outfit choices which I realize are deprecating - like, I guess school will know it was daddy's day to dress you guys, when they have hair in 5 barrettes all over and are dressed like boys. I can see this was wrong and petty and something stupid to criticize.

Not small and petty. The impact it had on your H was hugely destructive.

I let my kids pick their own clothes. If they don't want to, I'll pick them out. Sometimes my D will say she doesn't want that shirt or those pants. Then I get her to pick the one she wants. I could care a less if they color match, are in season, are trendy and clean without stains. Who do the kids need to impress? I think it's more about how the parent feels if someone should see their darling child dressed 'that way'.

Here's a challenge for you - why do they have to match? Why do they have to be the way YOU THINK they should be? Why is the way he thinks it should be less valuable or less right than yours?

Were you overly critical? (yes, I know you answered this in your last post - maybe take another look?) To me, overly critical is to be critical of something which warrants no criticism.