Thanks for all the support everyone. I read your posts on my blackberry while sitting in the waiting room while my W was having her individual interview with the mediator. It made me very happy and feel much stronger going in knowing that I have so many good people supporting me.
When I went in for my individual interview, the mediator asked a bunch of questions which I answered similarly to W and then she asked if I thought we would be able to work out an agreement. I said, No, I didn't think so. She asked why and I told her that W would not agree to equal shared placement and that I had no intention of being a weekend Dad. Thanks R2C. I used your other lines too!!
So W comes in the room and says she wants primary placement because she believes that is what is best for the kids. She has always been the primary care giver, the kids prefer to be with her and she also has the time to be available. She also believes that too much swithcing of the kids would be too hard on them and they need stability. Our son, especially, likes to have a routine that he sticks to. Says that she has read a lot of literature and SHE KNOWS this is what is best.
I said, yes W, you KNOW everything. Mediator didn't like my response, but did tell W that she reads everything and attends many conferences and that the conventional wisdom now is that equal time with both parents is what is best fot the kids.
I tell them that I believe that it is in the kids best interest to have equal quality time with both parents. She has been the primary care giver because that is how we arranged our lives, but that roles were changing now and that I would make time to be with and care for my children. W will have to go back to work full-time at some point and she interjects well not right away. I tell her that I am not making a long-term child placement agreement based on the fact that she MAY be available short term. I told them that if stability is the issue, then they can have stability at my house and she can see them whenever she wants.
So, the mediator starts throwing out different ideas about how we can share placement. You could do a 3/4 plan. Mom would get Sun, Mon, Tue, Dad would get Wed, Thurs and alternate weekends Fri, Sat and Sun. I say what about a week with a midweek dinner with the other parent. She says based on the ages of my kids, that may be too long for them to be away from either parent. It works good with teens, but not the younger kids. W won't agree to equal placement.
So mediator says what if Mom gets the Sunday nights all the time? Dad will have Sunday days, but Mom will get nights and get the kids ready for school each week. I say that I have been advised not to accept less than equal placement. By whom, she asks, your attorney? I say yes and other people who have been through this process. She says that this is about your family and your kids, not someone else's. I tell her that they have said it is the best thing they have ever done. She says, best for whom, them of the kids. I say both. W says she would agree to this plan. Will Dad agree? I have to think about it.
All she is asking for is really a Sunday night and Monday morning. Not too big of a deal for me if she really wants it. This plan work out to her having 209 nights with the kids to my 156. Child support is based on the nights with each parent, so I will pay around $300 more in child support than if I had the kids on Sunday night. Paying more for child support results in the payment of less alimony/maintenance, so it is probably a wash for the term of the maintenance order.
My attorney is out of town for the week, so I want to wait until she gets back and I can run some hardnumbers, but I think I am going to aks W to give me the Sunday night on paper to reduce the child support, but I will let her have the Sunday nights. This will result in me paying more Alimony, but we expect the alimony only to have to be paid for 5 years, while the child support will be for 7 & 9 years until the kids are 18. Plus, if she cohabitates with another man, the alimony goes away. I haven't made any proposals to W yet because I want to have all the number in hand first, so I will wait until my attorney returns from her vacation. If W is sincere about not caring about the money, we may be able to work this out.
This post is really long, so I will cut it off here and post another on other topics.
