My heads starting to clear up a little. Thanks for the assist.
I've finally started thinking about others again, so I know I'm on the way.
In that vein, I have a thought about Blondie. I agree with all the advice you've recieved about how to approach and treat new R's in your life, but disagree about finding one you need to use it on. Geez. you have been through the ringer for months. Sure learn all you can and do the right things and all, but do you really want to have to start "Date busting"?
I can remember back to when I was a young turk. I had a way of thinking that was far different than it is now. I guess 20 years of domestication will do that to a guy. Anyway, I thought of the farer sex as my sock drawer. When I went into the drawer I might have been looking for a certain pair, but if I couldn't find it, or if they didn't have a match or if there was a hole in one, I didn't try and analyse the situation. I just grabbed a different pair and put them on. Sure you want to be a little choosy. don't want to wear white socks with slacks, but as long as they sorta matched, it was all good. Not saying that ANY pair would do. I had standards, I mean all the socks in the drawer were socks I put there in the first place because I found them acceptable in some way. But when a pair fell out of favor or were found to be somehow "not right" (too long, too short, too stiff, too loose, or my favotrite, they looked different when they weren't on display anymore) I chucked them and found another pair. For crying out loud, it's only a pair of socks. Plenty of socks in the drawer.
Dude, don't sweat it if he first pair you grab has a hole in it. Don't waste time darning the sock. Just grab another pair and get on with life. It's a pair of socks, no big deal.
There's no way your ego should be bruised by this chick. I know the real Dan. That guy is a stud. He's a rain maker at work, he's a great guy who's funny and smart and truly cares about people. He's a great Dad who would sacrifice and suffer for his kid's wellfare.
No offense meant, but she's just a holey sock bro.
To all the ladies who read this: I'm sorry if that was sexist or seemed like an a$$hole's approach to you, but all I can say is as OLD turks this may be the way we need to be for now. We've been bowing and scraping for years and look how that went for us. Advice: Don't become the holey sock.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Thanks AG. I love that analogy and try to remember it. My ego is still fine. Just a little bump. I just thought that she and I were kind of hitting it off well, so it was a little ding.
I hope that things take a better turn for you soon too. I can't believe that on top pf everything else, you have to deal with a potentially serious illness too. I'm very sorry for your sitch.
Journaling:
Spent 3 hours with my attorney going over all the financials yesterday. We figured out that I am paying about $800 per month more than a standard court order, if there is such a thing, would allow for. She is contacting W's attorney and telling her that they made a mistake when the recommended I accept this deal and is asking her to agree to an adjustment to a more normalized order. If they don't accept, she will file an appropriate motion with the court.
I also took a look at the budget my W and her L submitted to the court. It is ridiculous. Combined, the two of us now have $2,000 less per month in discretionary income due to duplicate expenses. Still, she thinks she needs $500/mo for entertainment, $270 for incidentals, $270 for cable and land and cell phones. The list goes on. And then she thinks she should be able to work full-time on top of it? Pretty damn funny, or maybe sad.
Going to mediation for the placement of the children in an hour. I will accept nothing less than Equal Shared Placement or it will go to the judge. I feel mostly ready for this and have you all to thank. Special thanks to R2C for specific statements that I need to make.
I feel it is in my kids best interest to spend equal and frequent time with BOTH parents.
I am a full-time father and I have no intention of being a weekend dad.
I am ready and looking forward to parenting.
I also have a letter from my boss and the VP of HR at my company that states I have flexible work hours and can work from home and/or work sites closer to my home to accommodate caring for my children.
You will turn this situation around in your favor. Don't ever give up. It is great to hear that your company is supporting you in caring for your kids.
You will be strong for you and your kids.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks for all the support everyone. I read your posts on my blackberry while sitting in the waiting room while my W was having her individual interview with the mediator. It made me very happy and feel much stronger going in knowing that I have so many good people supporting me.
When I went in for my individual interview, the mediator asked a bunch of questions which I answered similarly to W and then she asked if I thought we would be able to work out an agreement. I said, No, I didn't think so. She asked why and I told her that W would not agree to equal shared placement and that I had no intention of being a weekend Dad. Thanks R2C. I used your other lines too!!
So W comes in the room and says she wants primary placement because she believes that is what is best for the kids. She has always been the primary care giver, the kids prefer to be with her and she also has the time to be available. She also believes that too much swithcing of the kids would be too hard on them and they need stability. Our son, especially, likes to have a routine that he sticks to. Says that she has read a lot of literature and SHE KNOWS this is what is best.
I said, yes W, you KNOW everything. Mediator didn't like my response, but did tell W that she reads everything and attends many conferences and that the conventional wisdom now is that equal time with both parents is what is best fot the kids.
I tell them that I believe that it is in the kids best interest to have equal quality time with both parents. She has been the primary care giver because that is how we arranged our lives, but that roles were changing now and that I would make time to be with and care for my children. W will have to go back to work full-time at some point and she interjects well not right away. I tell her that I am not making a long-term child placement agreement based on the fact that she MAY be available short term. I told them that if stability is the issue, then they can have stability at my house and she can see them whenever she wants.
So, the mediator starts throwing out different ideas about how we can share placement. You could do a 3/4 plan. Mom would get Sun, Mon, Tue, Dad would get Wed, Thurs and alternate weekends Fri, Sat and Sun. I say what about a week with a midweek dinner with the other parent. She says based on the ages of my kids, that may be too long for them to be away from either parent. It works good with teens, but not the younger kids. W won't agree to equal placement.
So mediator says what if Mom gets the Sunday nights all the time? Dad will have Sunday days, but Mom will get nights and get the kids ready for school each week. I say that I have been advised not to accept less than equal placement. By whom, she asks, your attorney? I say yes and other people who have been through this process. She says that this is about your family and your kids, not someone else's. I tell her that they have said it is the best thing they have ever done. She says, best for whom, them of the kids. I say both. W says she would agree to this plan. Will Dad agree? I have to think about it.
All she is asking for is really a Sunday night and Monday morning. Not too big of a deal for me if she really wants it. This plan work out to her having 209 nights with the kids to my 156. Child support is based on the nights with each parent, so I will pay around $300 more in child support than if I had the kids on Sunday night. Paying more for child support results in the payment of less alimony/maintenance, so it is probably a wash for the term of the maintenance order.
My attorney is out of town for the week, so I want to wait until she gets back and I can run some hardnumbers, but I think I am going to aks W to give me the Sunday night on paper to reduce the child support, but I will let her have the Sunday nights. This will result in me paying more Alimony, but we expect the alimony only to have to be paid for 5 years, while the child support will be for 7 & 9 years until the kids are 18. Plus, if she cohabitates with another man, the alimony goes away. I haven't made any proposals to W yet because I want to have all the number in hand first, so I will wait until my attorney returns from her vacation. If W is sincere about not caring about the money, we may be able to work this out.
This post is really long, so I will cut it off here and post another on other topics.
On another note, I gave W $20 towards school supplies tonight. I had told her earlier in the day I wasn't sure about paying it since I was overpaying family support by so much already, but I figured if I could make her happy with $20, it would be worth it. She said thanks.
D called me at work today and asked if I would take her to see the new house. She turned me down last night when I asked, but she really wanted to go tonight,so I said yes. When I got home from work, W and D were going through D's clothes to pick-out stuff to take to Dad's new house. After I ate dinner, D and S were ready to go and W said she was going to the gym to work out. I said you don't want to go see the house? She asked, Oh, do you want me to go? I said sure, why not, but you don't have to if you don't want to. She said she would go. Kids then asked if they could bring their suits to jump in the pool. Mom had said they couldn't, but to ask me. I said, of course you can!
So we get there and the kids are pretty surprised when we pull in the driveway that it is such a big nice house. D want firs pick of the bedrooms, since S got first pick at our current house. When we get in the house the kids run right upstairs to look for bedrooms. I sow W around and she says this is really nice. Kids come down and look around and head for the pool. We let them play for a while and I showed W the used beds and dressers I bought. She says we should throw away the matress and box springs and get new ones. I told her I'm not sure I have the money, but will look into it.
So we shag the kids out of the pool and finish looking around. They also like the basement where they say they can scooter around in the winter. They also want to bring their bikes to Dad's because it is a better/safer place to ride them. D says that pool is very fun. She likes the slide and that it is too bad we only have a month of pool weather left. I jokingly say maybe you can live here all the time and swim all the time. She gives me a thumbs-up. While walking through the backyard, D says Mom is jealous of Dad's new house. W says she is not and that she is happy that Dad has a nice place to live. D repeats that Mom is jealous. Kind of funny.
Next I took them all across the street to meet my friend's family. He introduces his W and 2 of his kids. The kids run off to see bedrooms and play a bit and we chat with the adults. Everyone got along good and we left after aboiut 15 mins.
When I got home, I continued packing my clothes. I have about 10 boxes packed already and am making good progress. I have a bunchof friends lined up to help on Saturday, so it won't be too hard on anybody.
All in all, I think it was a good night and I am doing very well.
Thanks to all for your continued support!! You have all been very good to me.
If anyone has any comments, I'd be glad to hear them.
