Is the man I used to know re-emerging?

[goodattitudegirl]

FMV,

Thank you very much for reading my thread and giving me such thoughtful feedback. I really, really do appreciate it! I am going to try to respond to each of your points.

you asked me 'Do you think that there are certain things that I need to watch for as we begin to reconnect?'. But I'm going to reply in kind of a counter-intuitive way. (And I do hope this won't offend...) I think the things you need to watch for and pay attention to right now, are more in yourself than in him!..............I think that to really help continuing that reconnection with him, you're going to have to keep modeling those healthy boundaries, growing your communication/listening skills and show him how to reach out and connect in healthy ways.

I think that you are 'spot on' with this advice. This is an area where I have seen glimmers of response from XH in the past.......and it is actually the area in which I am most aware that I need improvement to be a good partner in any future R. For example, in a convo I had with XH in April (2010) I decided to be genuinely intimate, as described in the book “Intimacy and Desire” (Davie Schnarch). At one point in the convo I spoke about my mother’s cognitive decline with Alzheimers and about how I had learned through my reading over the past 1 ½ years that I am a distancer and how my mother’s unpredictable rages had led to this behavior in me. (My mother's unpredictable rages mirrored XH's mother's alcoholic rages --- I'm certain that we recognized this in each other when we met and this 'shared experience' made us feel safe with one another). I apologized to XH for how my propensity to distance had affected our R. Tears were rolling down my cheeks (no sobbing). I was being very, very honest in a way that XH and I rarely were in our relationship. I could see some softening in his eyes, but his facial expression was just as unemotional as always, but gradually, over the next few months, we began to reconnect after this interaction.

So much of DB'ing is putting on a 'game face' and I have been DBing so long (it seems) that I find it challenging to begin to let my guard down with XH. This is something I have been trying to figure out how to do, so if anyone can give me examples I would really appreciate it! I DO think this is a key for me in this R and any future romantic Rs I might have. I have worked on healthly boundary-setting over the past 10 years or so. This does not come naturally to me. In my FOO, healthy boundaries were not respected, thus one more reason for me to distance.

The first suggestion that comes to mind is to recommend you either download or go buy a couple books by Terrence Real. He's a therapist who specializes in working with men. I've listened to two of his books - 'How Can I Get Through to You - Reconnecting Men and Women', and 'The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work'. .......... He's also written another you might be interested in: 'I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression'.

FMV and Gardener, I am a big fan of Terrence Real too! I read 'The New Rules of Marriage' shortly after the bomb and bought the other 2 books then as well --- only managed to get half-way through those--- side-tracked, but I like your suggestion of downloading the books for my commute. Good idea! Thinking it might be a good time to listen to 'How Can I Get Through to You?' since we seem to be reconnecting.

Gardener, I agree with FMV. Would you please share what you learned from his workshop? Thanks!

I think that to really help continuing that reconnection with him, you're going to have to keep modeling those healthy boundaries, growing your communication/listening skills and show him how to reach out and connect in healthy ways. One instance that kind of caught me was when he told you but didn't give you details on going on the vacay/work trip - I think you were wondering if there was OW involved. What struck me was that although you were wondering, you didn't ask him for any more info about the trip. It sounds like you had some un-asked, and un-answered questions there. Not pushy details about who he was going with etc, granted, but just as casual conversation about a trip he was planning. Was there something there that made you resist asking?

FMV, that's a really good observation on your part. I'm sure there are probably several good examples of this. I will think about that....On this particular topic, I actually DID ask him if he had found a good vacation package and asked him to share what that might be since I need to take a mini-vacay. He told me where he was going but didn't give any additional info. I let it drop after that since he has just recently begun to peek out of his tunnel.

I think that to really help continuing that reconnection with him, you're going to have to keep modeling those healthy boundaries, growing your communication/listening skills and show him how to reach out and connect in healthy ways......... You need to 'put on your own life jacket first, before you can help anyone else out of the water'. But I think the more you experience and model those healthy R skills, the more likely it is that he will continue to be drawn back to you. At least, that's what I've experienced - in fact, I found I've been more drawn back to my H as much as he's been drawn back to me. (Yes there's bumps, but overall I think this is the trend)

Yes, this is what I know that I need to do. I have found David Schnarch's work to be very helpful in figuring out how to do set boundaries and communicate from the heart. If anyone has found good resources for gaining skill in these areas, please share!

I hope this isn't going to sound too hokey, but I'm going to suggest it... have you been, or might you be able, to keep a diary of your interactions with him? Specifically, keep a record of times you've been assertive with him, or have successfully shared your feelings about something with him about something important to you (I can't remember the topic, but I'd liked where Jody suggested you do that! She said 'you're human too'). Then track his reaction, even if it doesn't come for a while, so you can watch how your patterns evolve.

FMV, I REALLY like this suggestion! I have made copious notes since the bomb to prepare for my sessions with Jody, but I like your angle on this (to observe for the way XH responds to my genuine communication and boundary-setting). It makes sense and appeals to my analytical side.

FMV, you have given me much food for thought. Please visit any time.
Gardener, nice to see you on my thread again.

Best,

GAG