Did you ever get the feeling there is a mysterious force at work (Missherlove, looking at you buddy)
So what did we do all week? Yep. Packed her stuff and changed some stuff around.
Sop afetr the brief exchange this morning, who do you suppose called on her way home to ask if I was home? yep again.
I said "D and I are at the park. Our ritual"
W:I have time in the evenings as I don't have D so I thought I could pick up some photos and do some scrapbooking this week. I don't want to disturb D so how long will you be there?"
M"it shouldn't take you long as all your scrapbooking stuff is in three boes on your table in the basement"
(noticeable pause"
W:I don't have my key. Is the garage way ok?" M Sure.
So I see her drive by the park.
I call PEI for some "assistance" in settling my brain because: 1-she'll have to notice her stuff in the garage 2-she'll have to notice the floor in the laundry is made of tile; not dirty clothes 3-the house is clean; most frou frou is gone or now "cars" 4-Most eveidence of her is gone. 5Going to guess when she saw all the boxes in the garage, she'd have trouble resisting the master. RED!
reviewed the possibles with PEI. Got a few great suggestions and support.
40 minutes later W pulls up at the park. Conveniently , I AM ON THE PHONE. Whe I get off, she calls (again, not text)
(her voice isn't strong as usual) W I put the 200 on the kitchen table. I couldn't transfer ity so I withdrew it. M:Thanks. I appreciate it. W: I was going to grab a few things, too, but I wasn't sure what was mine in the garage? (WHAT? The 8 itemized boxes beside your wedding dresses didn't give it away?) Maybe another day" M:OK. Just let me know when.
I got home. Haven't heard boo since.
The box of photos is gone. (My stuff was already out) I also noticed her wedding dresses (yes, old and new) were taken.
There is a lot of info in here when I look.
Follow up contact BY PHONE same day ANOTHER attempt at visual/physical presence "Spare time" to do scrapbooking? where is goober? I know "she" moved. Where is he? gone? SHOCK at the changes
Don't want to mind-read. Just looking at actions. No expectations.
And away we go with the "much welcomed assistance........"
She is testing the waters. This is very good! The danger is not to get all too slap happy over this and OVER DO this by going into overdrive with contacts. There's a lot happening in her noggin after seeing the house. You bet she's definitely noticed the changes. Whoo-hoo! This recent development isn't too surprising as I warned that W will come up with some "excuse" to stop by the house fairly soon.
Quote:
W: I was going to grab a few things, too, but I wasn't sure what was mine in the garage? (WHAT? The 8 itemized boxes beside your wedding dresses didn't give it away?) Maybe another day"
When W comes in the next time, try to keep convo short and on subject. Keep it light and upbeat.
Very interesting development! I agree: don't go overboard next time you interact with her. Stay "cool"... You can do the happy dance on the inside, knowing she took notice of some things, but to her, this is just all the new you and not an attempt at getting to her!
I totally agree with Puppy's take about being told to x, you are the best x'er here and it doesn't 'work'. I have looked at this so many times to understand the dynamics at play here.
As usual, I land on the mainstay of the philosophy of life I have had for almost 2 decades now. Everything is a variable and it's all outside of our control. Life flows of its own accord and you can't fight it. Fighting it is what causes suffering. Like the say, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.
I find the greatest peace when I move with life and navigate as best I can inside the space it takes me. It is serendipitous in the way it works. One event is leading us to another. Something that looks terrible brings us to a place that is more beautiful than anything we have ever experienced. Hitting a long sought after goal proves to be empty and pointless. Missing our goal teaches us something that is extremely valuable to us later on in life.
Getting a bomb dropped on us in our M opens a doorway where we can now 'see' and have the opportunity to improve ourselves in epic proportions. In such a way we will never have to suffer the same R holocaust we co-created.
The Zen story I've referenced is a perfect example of it. Most people have a problem with it because it makes us see the ridiculousness of our constant analysis of where things will land in the future. The fact is no one knows.
One guy here stands up to his W with solid boundaries that are rigorously reinforced and she ends up coming back. Another guy does the same thing and it pushes his wife over the brink and she's absolutely done.
There are almost an infinite number of dynamics at play. I'll give you an example of my own sitch.
My W grew up in a house where she had a completely passive father and her mother was controlling, hyper-critical, fault finding, blaming others for her problems, my way or the highway thinking, I have no faults attitude (if only everyone would do it my way all would be perfect)
My W has inherited those traits from her mother. Of course, these only show themselves in intimate relationships - not in friendships.
Now, I stand up and snatch my personal power back. The more I stand up, the less attractive I become to my W. She unconsciously wants to build a R based on the role model she had growing up. She needs a passive guy so her dysfunction will show itself to give her an opportunity to overcome those issues - if she doesn't, she'll never be happy in an R. Period. She'll cntinue through the same cycle over and over until she changes those things about her which keep creating the repeating cycle.
Side note - This is why people who marry alcoholics keep having new R's with alcoholics. They have a caretaking role to play and their identity is attached to it. Until they pull out their dysfunctional crap they will continue to be attracted to the same 'type' of person. Ever look back and ask of your R history, "Why do I keep ending up with xxxxxxx kind of people?"
I understand this dynamic and I also see as long as she is stuck in her dysfunctional issues and I continue to grow into a MAN, we will be opposite poles of a magnet. Neither one of us will be attracted to each other. Healthy people aren't attracted to unhealthy people.
With this in mind, I do what I do because it is best for ME. I will not stop my growth in order to obtain some effect of her coming back. That would be asinine.
So what do I do? I keep creating a better life for myself; I keep finding more ways to remove the dysfunction I carried into my R - and if you look as I have, this is a repeating pattern for all of us; specifics change, but the overall pattern will be underneath them.
I keep on becoming a strong capable independent person who now is learning to draw healthy boundaries, overcome my fears, and resolving issues which interfere with me having an excellent and healthy life.
You can't act on what you think the effects will be. There is NO WAY to possibly know.
So what are we supposed to do?
What everyone here keeps saying. It's so simple we overlook it so often, defaulting back to human nature which wants to know the future, wants to calculate how our actions/words will play out as life unfolds. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.
We look at ourselves and when we are faced with a decision we have to choose based on what is best for us as a person/human being/parent/friend/family member. You make it with the arsenal of tools you currently have. Hopefully those tools will improve as time passes. Ever wish you had the tools you have today 5 years ago in your relationship? If you make choices from this perspective, how can you make a wrong choice? Every choice is based from the same point - you.
Even if it is a 'wrong' choice (which ultimately I don't believe exists) it can't possibly be wrong. You had no outcome in mind except your own health. If your health declines because of your choice then you make a different choice. They always have the same reference point - you.
When you improve yourself and your life things will happen -
1. The improvements you make will conflict even more with your S's dysfunction and the relationship will terminate.
2. The improvements you make will cause your spouse to become attracted to you and there might be a chance at reconciliation-only if both people are willing to address their issues and improve themselves.
Both people in the R created the dysfunctional R we all found ourselves in when the bomb was dropped. If BOTH people don't work through their individual issues how can the M work?
When you get healthy and start setting and enforcing boundaries, the partners who are naturally attracted to a strong person will be attracted to this. The partners who are attracted to a weaker person who can be dominated and controlled will not be attracted to this.
I believe my W is NOT attracted to a healthy male who can draw and enforce solid and healthy boundaries. I have watched her reaction as I do it. Yes, I get more respect, but I do not believe it increases her attraction for me.
When I call her on her sh!t I know I'm hitting the most painful button she has. It repulses her. But I will hit that button every time she crosses the boundary whether it drives her further away or not. I will not tolerate that kind of treatment from her or anyone else. Period. Regardless of the effect it has.
But then again, I could be wrong about everything.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
What apparently works for your sitch is sprinkling WOAs...keep doing this. What obviously does not work is continuously hammering the A and exposure into W....a cheeseless tunnel. W heard you the first time around.
Understood. Agree.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
This is the kind of self-righteousness that needs to cease. Not helpful to the DB process. Check your pride at the doorstep. Certainly there is a world of hurt with when the A is first revealed.
Yet I see this line everyday on the boards, I am abandoning this entire viewpoint. It's as unhealthy for me as anything else I did before DB. Thanks for this one.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Keep with the home makeover changes where it will be clearly visible to W as she will eventually come to the house (no, I am not talking about moving back in) for some such "errand" or some other excuse. Can you also do the spare bedroom over as well? Make it all your home
Will do. Couple more ideas to implement this week. Really not into painting anything other than the front and back decks. Just remembered I also put a little table and two chairs on the front deck. She likely saw that, too. We never had anyplace to sit out there.
I do not recommend this for LBS when their W/H's main complaint is being distant and unresponsive during the M. It hinges on the dynamics of your M prior to the bomb.
In your case, CD, I'd stay at dim since the DBing techniques are working with W.
Again, clear as a bell. I agree here,too.
I have to say that your posts/advice naturally feel "comfortable and TRUE to me"
