Surviving the Big D STINKS!

[Gardener]

Mrs. A,

A better boundary (for me) is to make plans for myself and not change them because Mr. A does XYZ. For example, I have plans after work tomorrow night. If Mr. A calls between now and then and asks me to switch up my schedule, I'll decline. I already have great plans! I think I can stick to that.

Sounds like a plan. A good one.

[Mrs. A]

Gardener, you rock! How'd you get reception up there in the mountains? Or are you back???

[Gardener]

Mrs. A.

Gardener, you rock! How'd you get reception up there in the mountains? Or are you back???

I'm back. Last night/this morning. Four hours later than expected: three hours circling around Pennsylvania waiting for NYC storms to pass and one hour on the ground refueling in Allentown since we were circling ourselves outta gas!
Back and recharged.

[Mrs. A]

Hi everybody--

Man, I am swamped at work today but I don't care - I'm taking a little time out to post an update and ask for your thoughts.

Turns out Mr. A texted me three times last night and I didn't realize it. I still have a landline, so I really don't check my mobile phone when I'm at home!

Anyway, Mr. A called my phone this noon while I was at lunch. (I found out later that he had also called my work phone and left me a message there.) He was wondering why I didn't respond to his texts and I told him I hadn't gotten them. No biggie.

Then he wanted to know if I have plans for after work tonight. Yes, I told him, I'm golfing. I golf every Tuesday in a league. He asked what time I would be done and I said maybe 8:30.

Then - IN CLEAR VIOLATION OF MY *NEW* BOUNDARY FROM YESTERDAY! - I told him he was welcome to come along as it is an instructional league and they would give him some pointers.

What was I thinking? Just last night I said I wouldn't change my plans for Mr. A. Though this was *technically* not changing my plans, but just inviting him along, it still does change things because I already have a partner for tonight. Luckily, I don't think he wants to come.

He didn't really say either way, but we left it that he would call me around 5.

My schedule this week is:
Tonight - golf w/ instructional league
Tomorrow - golf with beginners' league
Thursday - pack for my road trip
Friday - Sunday - road trip
Monday - recover from all the driving and do yardwork
Tuesday - back on the job and instructional league again!

So I have nooooo time to see Mr. A over the next week unless it's after golf or on Thursday while I pack. BTW, my mother will be spending the night on Thursday b/c she's dog-sitting while I'm gone, so it would be really weird for us to get together that night.

Buuuttt...I really would like to see Mr. A again before I leave because things went well this weekend.

So now I'm in a pickle on 2 counts: 1) I invited Mr. A to come with me to golf tonight even though I really don't want him to be there, and 2) I want to see Mr. A before my trip but I don't know how I would do that without rearranging my schedule.

Any suggestions on what to do next? I'm completely at a loss!

P.S. I suppose he could just come over and hang out, but a part of me thinks that's too casual and setting a bad precedent.

[Mrs. A]

One more quick thing about tonight--

The only real reason I don't want Mr. A to come with me is because I'm going with a coworker. I only told her that Mr. A and I were in the midst of a D a couple of months ago (or less), and she knows the D was just finalized at the end of July. So I feel totally panicky at the thought of trying to explain to her why Mr. A is at instructional league!

Dammit, I should never have opened my mouth about it to him.

[Mrs. A]

Another thought-

If Mr. A calls me at 5 (like he is supposed to) and wants to get together, what would be the downside of having him come over? We could have dinner and watch a movie. And if he wanted to spend the night and then leave from the house for work tomorrow, what would be wrong with that?

I guess maybe the downside is that it would show him that it sure doesn't take much to win me over!

Thoughts?

[ClingingToHope]

Maybe you should make him work harder for the "prize." He can stay to watch a movie but not stay the night.

Do you like the R as it stands now?

[Gardener]

Mrs. A.,

So now I'm in a pickle on 2 counts: 1) I invited Mr. A to come with me to golf tonight even though I really don't want him to be there,

You really have to examine why you did/do this.
Don't want him there? Call him and tell him you've decided it would not be comfortable for you to have him there.

and 2) I want to see Mr. A before my trip but I don't know how I would do that without rearranging my schedule....Any suggestions on what to do next? I'm completely at a loss!

Decide what you want/do not want.
Set boundaries.
Stick to them.
But you know this.
You are sending mixed signals and jerking the both of you around.
Why?

Peace,

[Mrs. A]

Good question, Gardener. The truth is that I'm ecstatic that Mr. A is giving me attention and largely I just want to jump right back into things with him. But he has hurt me so badly over the past year and a half that another part of me is being very, very cautious. So I'm having an internal battle. There isn't one clear course of action for me right now.

And I think that's why I'm behaving in such a confused/confusing way.

I just came from an office wedding shower (sigh) and I'm off to another meeting in a few minutes. I'll have to think about what to do this evening.

[Gardener]

Mrs. A.
I understand.

But has he taken any ownership for his behavior and acknowledged the pain he has caused you, apologized for it, and stated the changes he is committed to making?

IOW, have there been overtures of true reconciling or just sporadic, sweep-it-under-the-rug resuming?

If the former, you need to see immediate, marked, and sustained change. If the latter, you are (understandably) needy and accepting crumbs at the very least or, at worst, being used - and using him.

Sorry to sound harsh. Just my (distant) perspective.

Peace,