(i don't want feedback. it's just one of those heartfelt letters like some of you have shared.)
Hello,
It's Monday night, Seinfeld's on, little girl's dozing next to me.
Yesterday after we talked I said I "felt better." Later, that wasn't the case. But I felt better at that moment because we had communicated. So that's the reason for this email.
I'm not 'mad' at you. That word just doesn't do it justice. That word implies future resolve. 'Disappointed in' gets closer. 'Painful' is the best word, even though it doesn't quite fit.
You have a way with words. You know it. People walk away agreeing with you because of the way you present your arguments. I don't know how deliberate it is for you; it might be off-the-cuff, habitual.
But it's important to dissolve all the emotional language down to the basics to understand what is really said.
I don't know if you know, but what you are saying now is so very very similar to what you said in January. The difference is my reaction. Some things are different-- you were mad at me, you realized you missed me-- but the rest is all the same.
You no longer want to be part of our union. Period. That's it. That's all that matters.
Because of that, I'm not sure I want to be with you. BECAUSE of that, I'm NOT SURE I want to be with you. That's pretty bad. For some people 'because of that, no way in hell do I want to be with you.' But I can go through all Jan-June and still say maybe I want to be with you.
You'll never find that again, I can assure you.
I can't be friends with you because you were my most trusted partner. And you failed me. Even now I still in my heart have trust for you that my brain has to continually correct. Trust for you to not leave me alone. Trust for you to take care of me. Sure, you want to be friends, then I wouldn't be alone, blah blah. But you know it's not really true.
I don't know how to work sharing little girl and cutting you out of my life. I don't know how.
I also want what's best for her. Is it best that we both be together at times to enjoy her? Is that best for her? I don't know. it's not best for me.
You are her father, yes. But she will have an everyday dad. A dad who gives her baths and drives her to school and feeds her. It may be confusing for her, to see you on vacations and get cards from you. I'll try to not make it confusing. She has two dads who love her, I'll say. But neither you nor I experienced anything like that, and we don't know what it feels like.
I still think that when you're 40ish, when you've 'grown up' and squeezed the fun out of a single life, you'll want us. But we don't deserve a fair-weather partner/dad.
And yes, we have grown apart in these 6 months. We have different social circles, different influences from that time. And more, I'm sure.
I have to be honest-- sometimes I think that this is all about your insecurity. You're afraid to do the introspection that is required for our reunion. And that it's my job to affirm you and save you from yourself. That we could 'start over,' get to know each other again, and work on our biggest issue-- sexual incompatibility, it might be called; intimacy problems, insecurities-- and come out stronger.
But it doesn't matter. It's not my place anymore. I let go.
And I'll trust instead that you will become our worst nightmare, a father/partner who will be absent, resentful, irritated by all we do. And that motivates me to get far far away.
Hopefully little girl will get to a place soon where you can pick her up from the daycare and return her the next day. I would very much like a life where I don't communicate with/see you at all.
But I don't know if we can do that yet.
And I am not sure how to work it until then.
So I'll let you know. I might want you here and me absent, I might want her to be at your place, I might want to try to work things with my sister meeting you.
I do know that I don't want any texts from you other than logistics. But I know the daycare can text you about how she is.
