Surviving the Big D STINKS!

[ClingingToHope]

I really hope he comes through for you. Just be prepared for him to bail. He may chicken out at the thought of actually having to restart the R rather than just doing the "friends with benefits" thing.

It was almost a year ago STBXW and I had our one good talk -- hashed out a lot -- and I said "what's next" and she said we should talk like this once a week.

Well, the first week came and no call. I asked her about it. She said she was really busy at work. The second week came and no call. The third, same thing.

Finally, In October she calls, but to talk about how to handle switching the kid on holidays. It was an awful call. I asked at one point about the weekly phone calls and she said she said that "just to get me off the phone."

I put a lot of hope into those calls and then they didn't happen.

[Mrs. A]

Thanks, you guys. I am really trying to go with the flow on this and *not* make assumptions about what it all may mean - but that is easier said than done!

Also, I have an appointment with my IC tomorrow and we'll review what has/hasn't been working regarding my resolutions. And hopefully we'll make some effective adjustments.

See, I have really SUCKED at resolution #1 - which is to not indulge these late-night things that Mr. A does. Back in January or February, when I was getting a lot of DB phone coaching from Jody, she suggested that Mr. A had felt neglected in our relationship, and his reason for calling/coming over in the middle of the night was to see how much attention I was willing to give him. Since that had been a sticking point in the past, she encouraged me to show my new attentiveness by answering the phone. BUT: 1) that was before we were divorced, and 2) Jody was very clear that it is NOT ok just to have booty calls.

At one point, she put it like this: Your old relationship was suffocated by a lack of romance. Booty calls are not romantic. Therefore, creating a new relationship based on booty calls is just more of the same.

She said it would be a good idea to ML more (since the majority of Mr. A's complaints have centered around that issue), but it would be a very bad idea to get in a booty call pattern.

[Mrs. A]

Well, Mr. A called again late last night, about 12:30. He said, Hey, I really need to sleep there tonight. I said ok.

Let's do a quick compare/contrast:

Mr. A called me last Friday and I didn't answer the phone. He came over anyway and said he just wanted to crash. I moved in on him and we did the deed. But then he basically told me that he regretted getting physical. He said, If I call like that again, just let me crash on the couch. ???????????

Knowing that I can't control Mr. A's thoughts, words, deeds, or anything else about him, I did incrementally better last night. He called and I answered. As mentioned, he said he just wanted to come here to sleep. (Yes, I do sort of know how messed up all of this is!) So anyway, I said ok, I'll leave on the porch light and unlock the front door and have a pillow and blanket downstairs for you on the couch. I will be in bed asleep when you get here, so just go ahead and make yourself comfy downstairs.

This time he let himself in and came right upstairs and hopped into bed with me. I said, What about sleeping on the couch? He said, Can I please sleep up here and cuddle with you? I said ok.

So our night together maybe was not what Jody would consider "romantic" - but I thought it was pretty damn nice. We ordered a pizza for breakfast and watched part of a movie this morning. Then he had to leave to go to xSIL's birthday party. We're meeting back up later this afternoon to golf.

I'm looking forward to this afternoon's outing. This morning he suggested going to our old favorite restaurant, but it's too expensive on Sundays - hence the pizza. But it'll be nice to go out in public with him and see how that flies. Aside from court and mediation, it'll be the first time we're out together in a public place since March 2009 - holy cow!

As for the planning, Mr. A had suggested on Thursday that we go to the driving range. I suggested this morning that we go regular golfing instead, and he agreed. I said, since you have to go to the party now, should I look up someplace for us to go this afternoon? He said that would be great, so I'm going to do that. I'm expecting him to call me when he's done with the party around 3 or 4. Perfect timing for twilight rates!

[Mrs. A]

One last thing: I don't know what the hell is going on with this/us.

Mr. A gave me a lot of ILYs last night, which for me felt like a bit of a red flag in that things may be moving too fast. It's not that he ever told me he didn't love me, it's just that he's been doing it a lot lately - and with a great deal of intensity. His behavior is very reminiscent of how he was when we first started to get serious ages ago (1999), so I have mixed feelings - very good memories, but some definite leeriness about going down the same road a decade later.

I have to keep reminding myself that I don't know what's going on in Mr. A's head or in most of his daily life. Maybe this has a lot to do with the fact that he finally got a job. Or maybe not. I have no clue!

[BeginningAgain]

Hi Mrs. A,

Hey I'm right there with you. I'm sitting here trying to figure out why Mr. A. divorced you. He's telling you ILY and wanting to sleep with you. He's the one making the effort to stay in contact calling you. Why in the heck did he want the divorce. Something is just not adding up!

Anyway, glad you are having a good weekend.

BA

[newmama]

Mrs. A- I want to be happy for you! I REALLY DO! I am just so nervous for you though and confused! What is going on?

I 100000% believe that at this point, SINCE you are divorced, the DB games and stuff go out the window. The GAL is great and the 180s (as long as they are authentic) are great. But how well did the 2 of you do at addressing conflict and expressing needs, etc.?

I was thinking that conflict avoidance is something sooooo many of us on DB forum have in common. And it is not healthy for relationships. Since our spouses all left us, for some reason or another, I think we need to be tough on ourselves and say "from now on, I need to be more direct with expressing myself, and setting boundaries." (in a polite way of course).


SOOO...find out what the hell is he thinking and doing? JUST ASK and see what he says. I am so excited to hear how your date goes!!!

[Mrs. A]

Hi everybody!

My date with Mr. A was awesome and I had a great counseling session with my IC this evening. Now I'm looking forward to a night of resting, posting, planning my weekend road trip, and taking good care of myself!

Of note: For the first time since 4/2/09, Mr. A slept at the house for TWO nights in a row. YAY!

That was definitely worth remarking on, but I have other things to post about. IC and I talked again about boundary setting and keeping. In the nicest possible way, he reminded me that I am not good at either of these things.

Now it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that Mr. A made the ultimate boundary transgression by spitting in the face of every marriage vow we took together. But I can't control Mr. A and I can't worry about him.

And I can't dwell on that right now, though I will in time...

For the moment, let's consider what I could have done differently in a recent situation with Mr. A. I'm doing this so that I can apply what the IC said to me tonight: the "how" of boundaries is as important as the "what". Cryptic. I don't really get it, but I'll try to think it out here.

I set a boundary 2 weeks ago when I last saw IC: do NOT answer the phone if Mr. A calls after I go to bed.

Then, as I've already posted here, Mr. A called 30 times one night. I kept my boundary and did not answer the phone.

So Mr. A came over anyway and let himself in through the back door, which he knows doesn't lock. He came upstairs to tell me he was here. Our conversation follows:

Mr. A: Hi.
Me: What are you doing here? Are you crazy?
Mr. A: I tried calling you!
Me: I know!
Mr. A: Oh, so you didn't answer on purpose?
Me: No, I was trying to sleep.
Mr. A: Well I just want to crash here. I'll go sleep on the couch.
Me: Ok.

[Mr. A goes downstairs and I hear him go into the bathroom. I debate internally and decide to go lay down on the couch, where I know he's going to be shortly. He comes out in a minute and finds me.]

Mr. A: Sorry, I just wanted to sleep here.
Me: Yeah?
Mr. A: Yeah, I didn't think that was out of bounds.
Me: Huh.
Mr. A: So it is [out of bound]?
Me: Well just come over here.

[Mr. A sits down next to me on the couch.]

Me (friendly): So what were you up to tonight?

You can imagine where it goes from there.

Well, my IC totally called both of us out on that. Mr. A messed up because he made an excuse for coming over. I can't really know why he wanted to come over so badly, but I definitely know that it wasn't for his stated reason - he didn't feel like driving all the way back to his mom's. His mom lives closer to the friend he was visiting than I do! So yes, he messed up by not owning his true reason - whatever it was - for coming over.

I messed up by not keeping boundaries - also known as giving him super mixed messages. I expected him just to "know" that I didn't answer the phone because I didn't want a booty call - even though I never told him beforehand and I haven't done that in the past. And then I told him to sleep downstairs, but I seduced him anyway. I confused myself, so I must have confused him!

My personal lessons:
--The "don't answer after bed" boundary doesn't work for me. I need to chuck it.
--Nobody wins when I expect someone else to read my mind.
--Mr. A seems to have changed a lot, but he still won't own his behavior.

Anybody wanna give some feedback? I would appreciate it!

I'm off to check up on others for a little while!!!

[Mrs. A]

Recapping events over the past couple of nights...

Thursday, August 19: Mr. A and I talked by phone and he invited me on a date for Sunday. We didn't have firm plans but said we would get together.

Saturday, August 21: I'd not heard from Mr. A and was getting antsy about whether or not our "date" would happen.

Saturday/Sunday (8/21-8/22): Mr. A said he wanted to come over and I said ok. We ended up spending a long time together. It was fun. A LOT of fun!

Today I was a zombie at work. Truthfully, I didn't care! I can afford a zombie day every once in awhile.

As mentioned, I've given up my boundary about not taking Mr. A's call if it's late at night. If I can't take it seriously myself, then I can't impose it seriously upon him. Truth is, I don't mind the late night calls. Maybe I'm weird, but I think they're fun! I mean, I was just SLEEPING and then I get to cuddle, snuggle, whatever??? I'll take it!

To me, it's like having a hard day at work and wishing you had plans to unwind after. Then a friend calls you at the last minutes and says, Let's get some nachos! Would I say, Oh, friend should have called me earlier if she wanted nachos. NO! I would say, Heck yes, I've been craving nachos all day!

So I continue to answer the late-night calls.

[Mrs. A]

A better boundary (for me) is to make plans for myself and not change them because Mr. A does XYZ. For example, I have plans after work tomorrow night. If Mr. A calls between now and then and asks me to switch up my schedule, I'll decline. I already have great plans! I think I can stick to that.

[Mrs. A]

Now I've made myself hungry for nachos!