Another story of a WH and an LBS

[gatsby11]

So he comes over again tomorrow. I think I'm going to say,

"I believe you when you say that we are over as a couple. So, these are some changes I'd like to start effective today:

1) No weekday visits. You can visit her at the daycare whenever you want to.
2) You can be with her on Sunday for 4-5 hours without me.
3) No texts except for logistics (not even about how she is) but you can text the daycare

That's it."

I may not say this tomorrow because I do kind of need him to be with her on weekdays so I can get some things done. But on September 9th my sister is moving to my town. So she can help out and I won't need him at all.

I'm not bringing up divorce yet. I need to be very low contact for a few months before I can be able to do that.

[Piano]

I'm here G.
Replying in just a sec. Processing...

[Piano]

Hugs G. So sorry you had this sad day. WH needs to GET that 10am means 10am, not 'when I feel like it because I got distracted by the farmer's market & didn't think ahead that I would need to go home and put it away" !! That's silly of him, and you were right to let him know how you felt about it because a boundary was crossed.

About the R talk. Don't worry; you have both been honest about your feelings. And they are just that: FEELINGS.

Your WH has some unresolved childhood issues and he needs to sort out the little boy in him. He blames you for getting pregnant. Um, NO. He is an adult - he can't cry "not fair!" now.

He was afraid of how he might FEEL when the baby was born. Now he FEELS that he loves her. He is telling you something here -- use it --- he is only FEELING things right now. He FEELS you left him because you won't be friends with him. Of course we know this is completely illogical, but it's how he is feeling.

G, he WANTS to be your friend, he wants connection with you. If you think he is slipping away, change your strategy maybe?
Keep agreeing with him that you think the old marriage is over.
As for the friends thing, someone did put on on this forum ; why not be friends? That it doesn't make sense to want to reconcile when you won't be their friend. It might work better the other way around.. tell them you "don't want to be married to them either right now and that it would be better to be friends right because you're not too sure you are in love with them anymore."
It sets them free a bit to see what they might be losing..friends instead of lovers. It doesn't mean you have to be great friends, maybe you can be the kind of friend that forgets to call back, because you are getting on with your life and are not as available as a best friend or lover.. So by validating him (yes we can be friends) you are potentially unblocking him.

The idea of 'hard work' is a turn off. They say that small changes can start a positive cycle and have a big impact on a relationship. Being fun and playful is important and can help unblock intimacy.
I think do not expect reconcilliation to be fast; maybe in the begining, a comittment to being friends is good enough. Now that you are starting to level with each other, this will allow you to bond... next you can try to figure out what went wrong.

MC would still be a good thing, but you cannot make him want it. And you both need to continue with the IC to look into relationship dilemnas set by your childhoods.

Hey, you say you never fight... I am wondering if you guys have needed to have a barny or two in the past? In fact, in the book "I love you but I am not in love with you" the author talks about the value of letting rip with a good argument. Quote: 'destructive strategies for keeping anger at bay include detachment, rationalising, skipping and blocking'. Don't know, just thought I'd throw that in there! Anyway, recommended reading!

[Piano]

So he comes over again tomorrow. I think I'm going to say,

"I believe you when you say that we are over as a couple. So, these are some changes I'd like to start effective today:

1) No weekday visits. You can visit her at the daycare whenever you want to.
2) You can be with her on Sunday for 4-5 hours without me.
3) No texts except for logistics (not even about how she is) but you can text the daycare

That's it."

I may not say this tomorrow because I do kind of need him to be with her on weekdays so I can get some things done. But on September 9th my sister is moving to my town. So she can help out and I won't need him at all.

I'm not bringing up divorce yet. I need to be very low contact for a few months before I can be able to do that.

It follows that I don't think you should do anything in reaction to yesterday's conversation with WH. You are hurting. Wait a little while until you are sure?

[gatsby11]

thanks p.

i'm just going to cancel today's visit so i can think. his next visit would be friday.

what's a barney? that is good info.

[gatsby11]

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/172

[Piano]

Barney: argument or fight

That's a good idea. Have a few days to take care of yourself; eat well, exercise, talk to friends, work, teach little one to say "uh oh!".

It's good to not need WH and have your other support systems in place. It's a question now of what you would prefer...

Hey, are you reading Save Our Sleep? for getting bubs into a good sleeping pattern? I'm tempted to introduce more routine at some stage, but life always seems too busy.

Also wondering if bub is communicating a bit more thesedays?

Hugs.

* Dr Phil makes some good points. Thanks for sharing.

[gatsby11]

here's my letter to wh:

(i don't want feedback. it's just one of those heartfelt letters like some of you have shared.)

Hello,

It's Monday night, Seinfeld's on, little girl's dozing next to me.

Yesterday after we talked I said I "felt better." Later, that wasn't the case. But I felt better at that moment because we had communicated. So that's the reason for this email.

I'm not 'mad' at you. That word just doesn't do it justice. That word implies future resolve. 'Disappointed in' gets closer. 'Painful' is the best word, even though it doesn't quite fit.

You have a way with words. You know it. People walk away agreeing with you because of the way you present your arguments. I don't know how deliberate it is for you; it might be off-the-cuff, habitual.

But it's important to dissolve all the emotional language down to the basics to understand what is really said.

I don't know if you know, but what you are saying now is so very very similar to what you said in January. The difference is my reaction. Some things are different-- you were mad at me, you realized you missed me-- but the rest is all the same.

You no longer want to be part of our union. Period. That's it. That's all that matters.

Because of that, I'm not sure I want to be with you. BECAUSE of that, I'm NOT SURE I want to be with you. That's pretty bad. For some people 'because of that, no way in hell do I want to be with you.' But I can go through all Jan-June and still say maybe I want to be with you.

You'll never find that again, I can assure you.

I can't be friends with you because you were my most trusted partner. And you failed me. Even now I still in my heart have trust for you that my brain has to continually correct. Trust for you to not leave me alone. Trust for you to take care of me. Sure, you want to be friends, then I wouldn't be alone, blah blah. But you know it's not really true.

I don't know how to work sharing little girl and cutting you out of my life. I don't know how.

I also want what's best for her. Is it best that we both be together at times to enjoy her? Is that best for her? I don't know. it's not best for me.

You are her father, yes. But she will have an everyday dad. A dad who gives her baths and drives her to school and feeds her. It may be confusing for her, to see you on vacations and get cards from you. I'll try to not make it confusing. She has two dads who love her, I'll say. But neither you nor I experienced anything like that, and we don't know what it feels like.

I still think that when you're 40ish, when you've 'grown up' and squeezed the fun out of a single life, you'll want us. But we don't deserve a fair-weather partner/dad.

And yes, we have grown apart in these 6 months. We have different social circles, different influences from that time. And more, I'm sure.

I have to be honest-- sometimes I think that this is all about your insecurity. You're afraid to do the introspection that is required for our reunion. And that it's my job to affirm you and save you from yourself. That we could 'start over,' get to know each other again, and work on our biggest issue-- sexual incompatibility, it might be called; intimacy problems, insecurities-- and come out stronger.

But it doesn't matter. It's not my place anymore. I let go.

And I'll trust instead that you will become our worst nightmare, a father/partner who will be absent, resentful, irritated by all we do. And that motivates me to get far far away.

Hopefully little girl will get to a place soon where you can pick her up from the daycare and return her the next day. I would very much like a life where I don't communicate with/see you at all.

But I don't know if we can do that yet.

And I am not sure how to work it until then.

So I'll let you know. I might want you here and me absent, I might want her to be at your place, I might want to try to work things with my sister meeting you.

I do know that I don't want any texts from you other than logistics. But I know the daycare can text you about how she is.

Good luck in life.

Love,
Gatsby

[gatsby11]

Wow, that's long.

I'm dropping the rope, guys. I read some of 'he's not that into you' and it really fit!

My heart wants him and wants to do whatever it takes to get him back. But my head knows that he's not good enough. I don't deserve a guy who's not sure he wants me.

I'll have to have the self-discipline to resist him, even if he wants to be back with me. This letter might spur another 'let's do counseling' thing that will fizzle out again in a few weeks. So i have to be smarter.

I haven't read Save Our Sleep but it might just be Australian 'cause I haven't heard of it! I read the Sleep Lady's book. Little girl is sleeping decently, but not consistently. Just the other day she did 9pm-6am straight! Too bad I went to sleep at 11 and got up at 3:30 to pump.

I also think it's really hard to implement those things and sometimes I need to experience the worst of it before I'm motivated to do what it takes to break a bad habit.

Oh, my bub says "Hi girl" Well, it's really "a-guh" but I do believe she's saying hi girl to me! Because that's what I say to her all the time.

Hey, can your bub push herself up with her arms? and i guess she's saying uh-oh now, so it's my girl's turn!

Thanks for being here, P. I didn't think he could leave me again, but he could.

[gatsby11]

i made little changes (nixed the good luck with your life thing) and sent it out.