My date with Mr. A was awesome and I had a great counseling session with my IC this evening. Now I'm looking forward to a night of resting, posting, planning my weekend road trip, and taking good care of myself!
Of note: For the first time since 4/2/09, Mr. A slept at the house for TWO nights in a row. YAY!
That was definitely worth remarking on, but I have other things to post about. IC and I talked again about boundary setting and keeping. In the nicest possible way, he reminded me that I am not good at either of these things.
Now it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that Mr. A made the ultimate boundary transgression by spitting in the face of every marriage vow we took together. But I can't control Mr. A and I can't worry about him.
And I can't dwell on that right now, though I will in time...
For the moment, let's consider what I could have done differently in a recent situation with Mr. A. I'm doing this so that I can apply what the IC said to me tonight: the "how" of boundaries is as important as the "what". Cryptic. I don't really get it, but I'll try to think it out here.
I set a boundary 2 weeks ago when I last saw IC: do NOT answer the phone if Mr. A calls after I go to bed.
Then, as I've already posted here, Mr. A called 30 times one night. I kept my boundary and did not answer the phone.
So Mr. A came over anyway and let himself in through the back door, which he knows doesn't lock. He came upstairs to tell me he was here. Our conversation follows:
Mr. A: Hi. Me: What are you doing here? Are you crazy? Mr. A: I tried calling you! Me: I know! Mr. A: Oh, so you didn't answer on purpose? Me: No, I was trying to sleep. Mr. A: Well I just want to crash here. I'll go sleep on the couch. Me: Ok.
[Mr. A goes downstairs and I hear him go into the bathroom. I debate internally and decide to go lay down on the couch, where I know he's going to be shortly. He comes out in a minute and finds me.]
Mr. A: Sorry, I just wanted to sleep here. Me: Yeah? Mr. A: Yeah, I didn't think that was out of bounds. Me: Huh. Mr. A: So it is [out of bound]? Me: Well just come over here.
[Mr. A sits down next to me on the couch.]
Me (friendly): So what were you up to tonight?
You can imagine where it goes from there.
Well, my IC totally called both of us out on that. Mr. A messed up because he made an excuse for coming over. I can't really know why he wanted to come over so badly, but I definitely know that it wasn't for his stated reason - he didn't feel like driving all the way back to his mom's. His mom lives closer to the friend he was visiting than I do! So yes, he messed up by not owning his true reason - whatever it was - for coming over.
I messed up by not keeping boundaries - also known as giving him super mixed messages. I expected him just to "know" that I didn't answer the phone because I didn't want a booty call - even though I never told him beforehand and I haven't done that in the past. And then I told him to sleep downstairs, but I seduced him anyway. I confused myself, so I must have confused him!
My personal lessons: --The "don't answer after bed" boundary doesn't work for me. I need to chuck it. --Nobody wins when I expect someone else to read my mind. --Mr. A seems to have changed a lot, but he still won't own his behavior.
Anybody wanna give some feedback? I would appreciate it!
I'm off to check up on others for a little while!!!
