100 Pages! Time for a new thread which will start with a typical, Gardener, looong journaling.
Odd how a new topic name took on such importance. "Now Me" was my first thought - just popped into my head.
At first, I thought, "No, sounds self-absorbed." But I am learning more to trust my true inner voice and decided that "Now Me" it is.
Several times in the past year after passing certain no-going-back milestones on my road (slippery slope?) to D, I posted having said to my IC, "Enough. Now me."
Even after those proclamations, I didn't really do it. Oh, some good baby-steps, to be sure. But not a lot. I found it was rough to do - against my grain - after a lifetime (and two marriages and families) of being so utterly other-focused.
My new IC has often said, "What about you?! What do you want; what do you need?"
And I am beginning to succeed in my efforts to love myself, to honor who and what I am, have been, and will be.
Who am I? Now? Now, me. More and more.
Rediscovering old passions somehow lost in the wayside like pen and ink renderings which was a long-time hobby which I actually did professionally for over a year once.
Beginning to take guitar lessons which I've reframed from "learning the guitar" to "I've always wanted to be make music!"
Training myself to say, Yes!" to any invitation, idea, suggestion that could be fun, could be something different.
New gym. Yoga!
Connecting, connecting, connecting. Old friends, chatting it up with just about everybody I meet (moi? ol' below-the-radar Gardener? Oui!)
I just spent nine days in total mountain-top isolation (when I was home, anyway) house-sitting for S,34 in the Rockies. And I really enjoyed the person I was with.
But I also went out every day, talking with shopkeepers, restaurant workers, tourists, passers-by. Striking up conversations everywhere (moi, again?).
Got to meet up with Golfgirl1, who lived an hour away, at a local street fair/festival which turned into a six-hour blast! Fun, sun, conversation, laughter, music. A delight! A lot in common including our identical no-dating-yet! stances. Thanks, Lynn, for a great day.
After visiting a local stained-glass artist in her shop two or three times, I asked her out for dinner (moi?). But not a date: a connection, a new person to know. We ate two doors down from her shop when she closed up for the day. What an interesting woman: fifty-three, a former psycho-therapist turned Golden Lab breeder, turned regionally renowned stained-glass artist. And she took her first stained glass class right after her divorce. A simple, yet life-altering event. I've always been fascinated by people who re-invent themselves. It was a wonderful evening.
Now me. (re)finding me, re-inventing me, again.
While I try to stay positive, I have allowed abandoned, divorced, financially-strapped and stuck with this house to define me for far too long. That's normal, I guess - if not necessary - for a while, maybe, but no more.
Enough. WIth the support, coping skills, wisdom, and love I've received from these boards for almost a year and a half, I am able to say: Enough. Now my life. Now me.
Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Bravo! Your declaration of Me-ness gave me goosebumps. Congratulations on finding your way back home.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
How much longer do you foresee before the house sells?Once the house sells, are you still planning on loading up your covered wagon and head out on the Oregon Trail?
Oh, Kerry, I wish I knew. Contract w/Broker's up at the end of the month. Not renewing. Probably going to take it off the market (or put it up "by owner") until next spring.
And, yes, depending on the time of year it sells, I'll probably rent a very small place, get things in order and take off once I'm all prepped. Thinking, though of Colorado now (but haven't ruled out Oregon). Been there 10 times or so in the last 15 years and love it.
My son offered me his place as my home base/legal residence while I explore. I'll probably take him up on that.
Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I just spent nine days in total mountain-top isolation (when I was home, anyway) house-sitting for S,34 in the Rockies. And I really enjoyed the person I was with.
I bet you had a lot in common with this person
Quote:
Got to meet up with Golfgirl1, who lived an hour away, at a local street fair/festival which turned into a six-hour blast!
How cool! Glad you guys got to meet
Quote:
While I try to stay positive, I have allowed abandoned, divorced, financially-strapped and stuck with this house to define me for far too long. That's normal, I guess - if not necessary - for a while, maybe, but no more.
So true! As they say:
"It's far better to light a candle then curse the darkness"
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
My new IC has often said, "What about you?! What do you want; what do you need?"
Indeed!
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Rediscovering old passions somehow lost in the wayside like pen and ink renderings which was a long-time hobby which I actually did professionally for over a year once.
Didn't realize we had art in common. So were you an illustrator? I'm impressed! Pen and ink is wonderful. Teaches you to accept and find the beauty in 'what is'.
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Beginning to take guitar lessons which I've reframed from "learning the guitar" to "I've always wanted to be make music!"
Yahoo! Was hoping to see that in your thread one day. Congrats. So happy to hear your life has taken on such a vibrant new dimension Gardener. You deserve it!
PS I'd missed replying to a post of yours a while back: yes I am in piecing now. If you'd like to stop by to say hello, here's my link.
thanks for flipping on a few dozen lightbulbs for me. e.g.: defining myself by my circumstances. a lifetime of being other-focused. connecting. rediscovering passion(s).
in the early days of connecting with xH, there was a persistent little voice in the back of my head: "but what about me?" ...one of a series of red flags I should have recognized but didn't. and so I disappeared and...now me.
you just blew me outta the water. and at a very good time.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
