DBing while in MC

[bustorama]

Pinhead,

If it's any solace to you, remember that I was in the same boat as you in terms of driving my wife away with neglect, compulsive gaming, not responsive, etc. (mine had the EA aspect in addition). I experienced the same guilt and fear you did, wondering if I could "fix" things to prevent the separation. From what you've written, your W is in the same boat as my (and most other WAS) are in.

She still knows she wants out, she is already emotionally checked out, she is hurt.

The loving thing is to agree with her and give her what she wants. You don't know what will happen if you do that. She might reconsider separation when she sees you FINALLY listened to her, she might separate and then begin to heal and find herself back to you when she sees you aren't in a tug of war with her anymore and have shaped up, she might separate and never look back. No guarantees, but if you ever want to listen to her, now is the time.

Let her begin to heal, and continue working on yourself. I stood in your shoes of fear right before separation. I still don't know how my sitch will turn out in the end. But, do the brave thing, quiet the fear in you, and listen to her.

[pinhead]

I also feel very compassionate towards her. She cried for most of 90 minutes about the pain and hurt she's felt. I'm responsible for most of that, and I think I understand how scared she is.

Sleep on that before you throw any grenades.

The pain of leaving reached a point where the pain of staying was too great. Do you understand now why you need to let her go and agree with her? You are standing in her way of feeling better. Enough of trying to fight her feelings they are real.

I misspoke when I said grenades. I meant letting her go, telling her that I wasn't going to fight any longer. What someone here said was loving acceptance.

I won't "stalk" her out. That's not loving acceptance either. It's me trying to control her. I'll do the best to give her support when she asks for it, but I won't accept an indefinite timeline either; simply because it's not healthy for either of us or our children.

Our counselor asked her if she would consider taking a long weekend someplace to figure out what she wants; stay at a hotel someplace, visit family, or spend time with good friends who are supportive. She talked about that when I came home from work, but isn't planning on doing it anytime soon.

I think she's just trying to delay acting on a decision she's already made. At this point, it's obvious that she's not ready to forgive the past. That she's hesitating because of the girls, and the guilt she feels for "hurting" me by leaving.

I've been selfish the last two months, wanting to hold onto her, keeping her from healing. Clinging. Playing the guilt card. Playing the kid card. Playing the "broken vows" card.

I don't want to hurt her anymore. If she's ever going to forgive me, she needs the space to open her heart. And even if she doesn't, what type of man would I be to keep her in a situation where I'm hurting her?

[dsh4320]

I agree Pin, that is why the tension in my sitch is gone, for now.

[john28]

I don't want to hurt her anymore. If she's ever going to forgive me, she needs the space to open her heart. And even if she doesn't, what type of man would I be to keep her in a situation where I'm hurting her?

That's powerful sh*t right there. Good stuff. Right on.

[pinhead]

Update-

Sleeping on it didn't happen. W came home from 1st grade conference, and we sat outside talking about it. Then I gave her the Gucci speech. I wasn't angry, defensive, just calm and matter of fact. She listened, and then said that she had no idea what she wanted to do. That she was confused, and that she thought leaving now would be a decision based on fear (something our C said to avoid). Not fear of finances, or of being independent enough to survive on her own, but fear about our relationship.

She talked about some of the ideas the C had today; go stay a weekend with some friends or family, to try and gain some clarity. Stay at a local hotel. Etc. I asked her what she would do if she was approved for the apt complex she liked; she said she didn't know, that she dreaded finding out.

She said that when we're together as a family, she's happiest. Not her and our girls, but all four of us. And that feeling makes her want to stay, that it's very strong. She also said that she's afraid of being hurt, but also afraid of burning bridges in our relationship by leaving.

I didn't try to persuade her at all. I probably did my best listening and validating ever.

Then she said she wanted to continue MC. I was in shock at this point, because I had expected her to say she wanted to move out ASAP. She said she really liked our C, trusted him, and thought he might have some ideas about how to resolve things. I said that I would like to go back as well, and that I would take care of making an appt.

Then she talked more, asking me about things like the jealousy I've had over some of her friends; how I felt about us. She talked about the changes I've made, and how she really liked them. But that she doesn't know how to rekindle feelings; to forgive.

I tried my best not to sell myself. Just to explain when she had a question, and listen to her.

We laughed a lot. Made all sorts of sexual jokes. Then it was going on 3 hours, so we went to bed. As she was getting ready for bed, I said that with all the weight she's lost, the real test was if she could wear her old lingerie. This is stuff that's been long forgotten, but she got really enthused about it. I know this was pursuing...

So she gets it all out, goes over each items history, and when I said a red camisole with g-string looked nice, she looked at me and then walked into the bathroom to try it on. In the past she's been really insecure about her body, and would never model anything. She tells me to get a quick glimpse because she's not going to show it for long, but I tell her to come closer.

She steps out of the bathroom, about ten feet away. I say (and gesture) closer, then closer again. She stopped out of reach, probably afraid I'd try and touch the merchandise. I looked her up and down and told her she looked incredible. Then she turned around and showed me how the g-string looked. Needless to say I enjoyed it. She's more beautiful today than when I married her.

Then she came to bed, and we talked for about 20 more minutes. I know that some of you may think that I should have made a move, but it really wasn't right. We haven't kissed, barely held hands, and it would have ruined the night. I'm not sure what she was trying to do with the modeling show, perhaps "tag" me without having to have sex?

So now I'm the confused one.

[soleil]

Pin,you did a great job You validated her feelings, were calm, and didn't try to "jump on it." LOL. You played all of your cards right.

::High-five::

[Coach]

You took all the pressure off, you let her know she can do what she wants to do. Innuendo isn't pursuing, see how she reacted. If you play it cool and let her come to you, then tonites your night. Be cool and confident, be teasing without chasing. Be a cat whisperer.

[soleil]

What is a cat whisperer? That's "man speak" right?

[pinhead]

Before she left this morning, she read some emails on my computer from my mom. They weren't angry emails, just advised me to get a lawyer, be careful about protecting myself, really nothing that I hadn't considered.

But she was really hurt by it. Said it would be hard to look my mother in the face; that she didn't understand how they thought she could be like that.

I'm not upset she's read my email. I understand she's worried about what people say. I don't feel like I have anything to hide from her, so I'm not going to delete emails, or lock my computer.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Pin,

What does she expect you to do?? give into her every request even though it would not be good for you?

Seems normal to me that your mother is telling you to protect yourself.

I sure your mom didn't think your W could be like this either.