Now Me

[Gardener]

100 Pages! Time for a new thread which will start with a typical, Gardener, looong journaling.

Odd how a new topic name took on such importance. "Now Me" was my first thought - just popped into my head.

At first, I thought, "No, sounds self-absorbed." But I am learning more to trust my true inner voice and decided that "Now Me" it is.

Several times in the past year after passing certain no-going-back milestones on my road (slippery slope?) to D, I posted having said to my IC, "Enough. Now me."

Even after those proclamations, I didn't really do it. Oh, some good baby-steps, to be sure. But not a lot. I found it was rough to do - against my grain - after a lifetime (and two marriages and families) of being so utterly other-focused.

My new IC has often said, "What about you?! What do you want; what do you need?"

And I am beginning to succeed in my efforts to love myself, to honor who and what I am, have been, and will be.

Who am I? Now?
Now, me.
More and more.

Rediscovering old passions somehow lost in the wayside like pen and ink renderings which was a long-time hobby which I actually did professionally for over a year once.

Beginning to take guitar lessons which I've reframed from "learning the guitar" to "I've always wanted to be make music!"

Training myself to say, Yes!" to any invitation, idea, suggestion that could be fun, could be something different.

New gym. Yoga!

Connecting, connecting, connecting. Old friends, chatting it up with just about everybody I meet (moi? ol' below-the-radar Gardener? Oui!)

I just spent nine days in total mountain-top isolation (when I was home, anyway) house-sitting for S,34 in the Rockies. And I really enjoyed the person I was with.

But I also went out every day, talking with shopkeepers, restaurant workers, tourists, passers-by. Striking up conversations everywhere (moi, again?).

Got to meet up with Golfgirl1, who lived an hour away, at a local street fair/festival which turned into a six-hour blast! Fun, sun, conversation, laughter, music. A delight! A lot in common including our identical no-dating-yet! stances.
Thanks, Lynn, for a great day.

After visiting a local stained-glass artist in her shop two or three times, I asked her out for dinner (moi?). But not a date: a connection, a new person to know. We ate two doors down from her shop when she closed up for the day. What an interesting woman: fifty-three, a former psycho-therapist turned Golden Lab breeder, turned regionally renowned stained-glass artist. And she took her first stained glass class right after her divorce. A simple, yet life-altering event. I've always been fascinated by people who re-invent themselves. It was a wonderful evening.

Now me.
(re)finding me, re-inventing me, again.

While I try to stay positive, I have allowed abandoned, divorced, financially-strapped and stuck with this house to define me for far too long. That's normal, I guess - if not necessary - for a while, maybe, but no more.

Enough.
WIth the support, coping skills, wisdom, and love I've received from these boards for almost a year and a half, I am able to say:
Enough.
Now my life.
Now me.

Peace,