Newer Game- Moving Forward

[CD Bear]

Sorry, Wonka.
I had no intention of leaving my thread. It was facetious as I was feeling like a real NOOB this morning when I confronted all the posts.

WAY overwhelmed and lost.

Getting better. I swear I was on a hillcrest just a minute ago and now this.....

[CD Bear]

Thanks again, Wonka. This post snapped me out of it.

Here were the kickers-

no movement from W is driving you batty. Which means...don't act on those feelings. Be SMART in DBing. Don't make it wasy on the W regarding D since SHE wants it and let her do the D stuff. And you have not given DBing enough time to take effect

Remember my caution that WASes move at a glacier pace.

Yep on the fixing and double yep on the impatience.
back to the SMART and leaving the "itch" to act on feelings in the garage.

And why VVVVVVVVVV

she is feeling the stress and pressure of living with the 23-year old OM & his ragtag family, starting a new job, and paying for OM's schooling. And she remembers your WOA!!! That slow dribble of WOAs from you will go a long way in W's mind and the contrast between you and OM is starting to emerge in her mind (even though she is not telling you anything or giving any indications). Ye be sure that she defnitely is mentally taking notes of you during all of your interactions (phone calls, convos, texts and exchanges)!

And on the "moving forward" part of the show....

General Questions for CD:

1) When was the last time W was in your house?
2) Which rooms did she enter during the last visit?
3) When did she move out of the house?

1-While I was on holiday with D. Last week of July
2-I know she was in "her" bedroom (the spare) as the bedding (room for one only) was pulled back. To get there she would have had to see everything else in the house-laundry (likely came through garage); kitchen; past the master and to her room.
3-She was rarely there in July at all. Maybe 4 or 5 times. And not while I was there at all after the exposure. She came once and that was the "confrontation/I won't live in an open M.." (that was a few days before I left for vacation) She hasn't been back except that one day while I was gone. Likely grabbed some clothes; ran them through the laundry; may have napped during. Best guess.

And the car models have replaced the frou-frou glass stuff on the kitchen cabinet end display nook.

Thanks again, Wonka.

[CD Bear]

Hi Steady.

Again, the words you pick seem to gel things for me.

This VVVVVVV put the Coach quote into perspective and removed a lot of the confusion I was having.

Values - I will control my feelings and not act out accordingly. My feelings change. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm not (at her) When I act out it's only on the feelings I have RIGHT NOW. My values say I will draw a boundary due to her behavior to protect my self respect (my family, whatever it is). I draw the boundary and I enforce it.

Do I want my feelings to control me (which are often at the mercy of others' behavior, in effect, allowing them to control us; or do I want to chose my reaction?) The ultimate goal is to be unflappable - totally emotionally unaffected by someone else's behavior.

BE THE ROCK!!

Thanks, my brother.

[CD Bear]

Hi Puppy!

What's confusing you? That just maybe, a "hybrid" approach might be best for you?

ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN OF IT!!
It's finding WHERE in the continuum of hybrids between the two extremes I'm having difficulty settling at (or "to" for PEI)

I've sensed that you feel like if you just think this thing thru HARD enough, that some sort of a "magic bullet" approach will appear to you. You love the labels we use around here ("2a", "2b", "Bo-Peep," "Robx/Gucci," "infidelitus interruptus," etc.), and try to formulate and re-formulate and re-re-RE-formulate your plans.

Puppy,meet CD. The KING of over-analysis. I apologize for overthinking most things. In order to integrate plans into action, I need to be comfortable with it. Unfortunately, that usually means doing the 4 dimensional CAD Drawing view of the situation and running "war games" to find the likely end games. I know. You helped a lot with THIS VVVVVVVVVVVVVV

YOU . . . CAN . . . NOT . . . CONTROL . . . HER.

I MUST realize that I can't run all the "war game scenarios" when I cannot use ANY expectation of what the "opponent's" strategy/reactions/actions will be.

CD-STICKY THAT SUCKA!!

Which you so eloquently wrote as :

And nor can you even control the outcomes of your own approach. There are variables at play here, not the least of which is your wife's free-will CHOICES. We can advocate that you do "X," and you can be the best g*ddam*ed Xer that this forum has ever seen, and it STILL may not work.

And to answer your final question about why is this confusing? Well, you kindly saved me more over anaysis and gave me THAT answer, too. VVVVVVVVV

ALL of it needs to be filtered by YOU, knowing what you know about your own morals and integrity, and what you know about your wife, and you have to do what YOU think is most authentic, and what gives you the best chance of success.

Thanks. Protractor is put away and I'm coming in off the ledge.

[CD Bear]

Oh, Puppy?
Wonka chimed in with the end-game to permanently use if the over-analysis starts....

I DB'd my butt off for 2 years and yet XW exercised her free-will choice to end the M.

Did I "lose" the fight? No. I am a much better person from all of this experience and much more aware of how R works in generally (oh yeah...took about 2 binful of self-help books recommended from this site). I have a great new gal in my life!

Thanks Wonka.

[CD Bear]

Hey, Gritter. (and I will send you that email...)

Detaching is the path through this.
I had to go completely dark for a time to finally push through.

I won't be able to go completely dark until a separation Agreeent is done. And since there are no current difficulties with our "verbal agreement" I am tending to stick with "Let W do it if this is what she wants" If the sitch changes, I'll fast track it. I'll state it as a boundary "I will abide by the verbal agreement as long as you do. If you break this trust (too), I will fast track the Sep Agreement myself"

And it is a process CD. You are not going to get there tomorrow.
The only way through is to do it. No short cuts.
No magic pills.

Fun-wrecker!

[CD Bear]

Wow!! I actually caught up with all of it!!

And standing by for the onslaught of replies.

Thanks everyone.

[PEI]

Hey Bear,

It's finding WHERE in the continuum of hybrids between the two extremes I'm having difficulty settling at (or "to" for PEI)

I'm actually one of the "at" east coasters

Protractor is put away and I'm coming in off the ledge.

Hey would you grab my sunglasses? I think I left them out there yesterday!

Oh ... and tell Calla that this sassy lady (much better Wonka ... thanks ) says HI!

Remember what I said ...

Sometimes doing nothing is the best something you can do. Slow down, time is your friend and this is not going to resolve itself in a couple of days. Sometimes you need to pull back, walk away from the computer and go outside to play with your D2. Or walk in the woods ... or have a beer with a buddy and NOT discuss your sitch at all ... you get the idea ...

Peace
PEI

[Wonka]

Re-evaluating what transpires in DB also requires some flexibility as DBing is not a one-size fits all scenario whereas you can adjust accordingly as situations arise. No two days are alike on the DB path. Even some of the same techniques do not work on certain days due to unseen or unknown variables that are in play. The key is not to expect the same results over and over. Keep doing what works and discard the techniques that are not effective. What apparently works for your sitch is sprinkling WOAs...keep doing this. What obviously does not work is continuously hammering the A and exposure into W....a cheeseless tunnel. W heard you the first time around.

On the other hand, why would I want to be even friends with someone who has betrayed me like this?

This is the kind of self-righteousness that needs to cease. Not helpful to the DB process. Check your pride at the doorstep. Certainly there is a world of hurt with when the A is first revealed. When it first happened to me, it felt like a Mack truck had run me over and left my innards spread out across the road. Such utter shock and devastation. The first instinct is to go after OM/OW and inflict greater, if not as much, pain on them than what we experience. [I experienced first symptoms of PTSD from this and it went on for a few months] It is a self-destructive cycle that LBSes MUST consciously break away. Unclench the fist and release the pain for your own well-being. I liked it when someone alluded it to drinking poison yourself and expecting them to die.

On to the timeline of when your W was last at the house which is around end of July. Keep with the home makeover changes where it will be clearly visible to W as she will eventually come to the house (no, I am not talking about moving back in) for some such "errand" or some other excuse. Can you also do the spare bedroom over as well? Make it all your home. Picture yourself as a new friend visiting your house. What would you see? Which rooms will you be most likely see? Then make those changes (different paint color, some accents)...it does not need to be HUGE and earth shattering.

[Wonka]

I want to comment about going dark. It is similar to LRT which means being emotionally, mentally and physically prepared to go in with all your chips at the poker table to say "this is what happens when you do intend on following through with D." I do not recommend this for LBS when their W/H's main complaint is being distant and unresponsive during the M. It hinges on the dynamics of your M prior to the bomb.

In your case, CD, I'd stay at dim since the DBing techniques are working with W.