Newer Game- Moving Forward

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm more confused now than ever before.

What's confusing you? That just maybe, a "hybrid" approach might be best for you?

CD, from the very beginning, I've sensed that you feel like if you just think this thing thru HARD enough, that some sort of a "magic bullet" approach will appear to you. You love the labels we use around here ("2a", "2b", "Bo-Peep," "Robx/Gucci," "infidelitus interruptus," etc.), and try to formulate and re-formulate and re-re-RE-formulate your plans.

I said this to you early on, but it bears repeating today:

YOU . . . CAN . . . NOT . . . CONTROL . . . HER.

And nor can you even control the outcomes of your own approach. There are variables at play here, not the least of which is your wife's free-will CHOICES. We can advocate that you do "X," and you can be the best g*ddam*ed Xer that this forum has ever seen, and it STILL may not work.

So YES, you will get conflicting advice here. Some of it will even be the OPPOSITE of advice previously given. Some needs to be done IN CONJUNCTION WITH previous advice. and ALL of it needs to be filtered by YOU, knowing what you know about your own morals and integrity, and what you know about your wife, and you have to do what YOU think is most authentic, and what gives you the best chance of success.

Why is that confusing??

Puppy

[Wonka]

Amen Puppy

Aside all the joking and having a bit of fun here, the sobering reality is that the ONLY person you can control is yourself. The vets have been trying to drive home this main point to you (and other newcomers here). I DB'd my butt off for 2 years and yet XW exercised her free-will choice to end the M. *shrug*

Did I "lose" the fight? No. I am a much better person from all of this experience and much more aware of how R works in generally (oh yeah...took about 2 binful of self-help books recommended from this site). I have a great new gal in my life!

[SunnyD]

Well - I can tell you why it's confusing! All of us in the throngs would like the magic bullet! Those who are willing to ignore the gut (which is destructive) and go with "what works" sometimes find it hard to determine which course of action is right because all sound good and plausible in context, even when they are contradictory. We want the best shot of saving our marriages so we want to choose the best option, not just a good option. It's dang hard at times in the day to day trenches.

Having said all of that, it is at least better to be in those trenches than in other places, wallowing in self pity and begging and crying with the WS.

[CD Bear]

Thanks, Sunny. I couldn't have answered that question better myself.

Those who are willing to ignore the gut (which is destructive) and go with "what works" sometimes find it hard to determine which course of action is right because all sound good and plausible in context, even when they are contradictory. We want the best shot of saving our marriages so we want to choose the best option, not just a good option.

And this is when we have to rely on what is best for us; our situation and holds closest to our personal values but free of "feelings".

Thanks for this.

And now, to get to the other responses I missed.

Thanks again, Sunny

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well - I can tell you why it's confusing! All of us in the throngs would like the magic bullet! Those who are willing to ignore the gut (which is destructive) and go with "what works" sometimes find it hard to determine which course of action is right because all sound good and plausible in context, even when they are contradictory. We want the best shot of saving our marriages so we want to choose the best option, not just a good option. It's dang hard at times in the day to day trenches.

Having said all of that, it is at least better to be in those trenches than in other places, wallowing in self pity and begging and crying with the WS.

AGREED!!!

Puppy

[CD Bear]

...you did this in your M because you thought that if you did she would love you?

I suppose I saw it as "giving" everything I could rather than what it actually was- "giving everything of value to both her and I away". I didn't see that not only was I devaluing me in my eyes but also in her eyes. I know better now.

Flaw in the relationship or you? Where does the responsibility for that lie?

Flaw in me. Lies with me. My responsibility to change it, too.

And you want to change that now why?

Because I don't want to relive this with her or anyone else. And mostly because I see that it is the healthy way to live. In more than just my M.

This is something that "stings" from your M that you want to change?

Yep. Add that to the "age" stinger. But that one bothers me more because I can't change "age". And that premise undermines and devalues the entire M to a complete fraud/farce. And I stand by my belief that it that was not the case. It was the personal dynamic that developed a year after the wedding (living together for almost 3 years) that spiraled under the pressures of our simultaneous streeses at the time.

[Truegritter]

And I stand by my belief that it that was not the case.

Then don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Sometimes we have to question things...

And reaffirm them before they become our truth.

Bump into a couple of self-doubt rocks on the river so to speak.

[CD Bear]

Thanks Steady.

And here VVVVVVV is where I struggle.

You can love someone and eject them from your life. Take away the expression of that love as being friendly and nice. You don't act mean, you just don't act friendly.

You can also dislike someone and keep them in your life.

The conundrum is this - they act disrespectful at one time, then act nice and respectful, then act disrespectful, etc... do you enforce the boundary each time they are being disrespectful or do you freeze all friend type interactions until they stop the pattern? I would imagine it depends on what the person is willing to take and deal with.

In the case of an A, that's an ongoing act of disrespect so it's more cut and dry.

I'm trying to resolve/discover my TRUE personal values/views here as I grow so I vacilate between hardline and letting go strategies. I simply couldn't hammer on the affair in every interaction so I don't think it's that cut and dried.

By the same token, I simply can't ignore it and pretend there isn't one. It exists. I can't control it/her.

For example, how do I define friends vs loving? What does that "feel" like to act that way? I can't say I know withregards to her. Expressing WOA's (which feels right to me) would violate the friends line. On the other hand, why would I want to be even friends with someone who has betrayed me like this?
The only rationale I have is in Tupy/Glass.
The only way to view her is as an addict. I'm trying to get through to the "real W" while dealing with the "current addict"

The WOA's, IMO, are the laser missiles I'm trying to get through "the fog" to her while holding my boundary in disrespect (which rebuilds RESPECT). Hammering on the affair is pushing away.

In trying to explain I've shown the confusion. And it follows up to Sunny's post- I'm looking for the "best approach" and having a hard time settling on MY "best" approach.

Waiting for the "click" in my head.

[Truegritter]

Waiting for the "click" in my head.

I found it was very difficult at first because my emotions were raw.

Detaching is the path through this.

I had to go completely dark for a time to finally push through.

And it is a process CD. You are not going to get there tomorrow.

The only way through is to do it.

No short cuts.

No magic pills.

[CD Bear]

Hi TG and Pup (and Coach!)

This was the most confusing to me.

I couldn't (though it's clearing) see how I could interact with her WITHOUT feelings. AM I reading this wrong? We're not talking about going all Mr Spock here, are we? Sorry, but can't do that. And shouldn't either as that is likely "more of the same"

Mr Spock does not scream "catnip" to me or "better option"

And to use another of Coaches expressions, she is NOT the mailman. She is my D's mother and an almost 7 year chunk of my life.

I believe THIS vvvvvvvvv is where I'm trying to get right now.

Detach and look at the situation in 360 degrees. State your goals (which are consistent with your beliefs) and come up with a plan of action. If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting.

And I think this vvvvvvvvv is where the experiment is now

If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting

I am in the "release the fear stage" and the first concrete (according to some here) evidence of "working" is the tone changes when I stand up to disrespect; the crying event when I stated I loved her as the mother of my child and, most recently, the WOA's I dropped into texts. That's beginning to "point me" in the direction I should be going.

AM I happy that the A continues? NO. Am I seeing "looks back"? I think so. But I HAVE to keep walking the other way in MY journey. And part of that is narrowing down the road I'm on.

This the current confusion. I feel I am close to "THE ROAD". Just not 100%. And I am stuck between "pick it and go" and "second-guessing myself to a standstill"

The "standstill" is evident in my hope increasing my expectations. And I need to keep expectations at ZERO.

Sorry if it's rambling but I'm thinking it through as I go.