Hey D4L, Kat, and Sandi, you guys are RIGHT ON!! I do lurk over there on those Infedelity boards (addicting!! it is SO nitty gritty over there!) and I think some of that hard-hitting stuff has gotten me in trouble over the past couple of months. Yes, I need to be tougher--but...those guys really do push it. I need a more gentle approach in my sitch.
I should NOT expose to his parents. Silly that I even thought it, although I must say that I wish they knew I was fighting for the marriage still. I hear they are terribly depressed and I hate to hear that. They have no idea I am working this hard, and my sis-in-law has asked me several times to think about speaking to them to get them to not be so sad. But they have to go through their own stuff, and perhaps my H NEEDS to see how miserable he is making his parents with all his nonsense.
Now--onto H's nonsense. Ok, I think he said to me today he doesn't want to get divorced.lol. The message was pretty loud and clear, even if he didn't say it. I went to my L this a.m. and she gave me a lot of confidence. I have been just DYING of fright and terror and then I kept thinking...what is the WORST my H could do to me--take my S and leave me homeless and penniess.
Ok, if he takes my S from me my S is 15 and he will know that his dad did that and someday he will be able to see what kind of person my H is. I don't have to say a word.
If he leaves me penniless, same thing--S will know what his dad has done and knows what his dad is about.
If homeless, I have a sister and friends--that ain't happening either. And again, my S will know.
So....I was in a much better frame of mind anyway when I went to see L, and she basically is like--are you nuts??? none of that will happen.lol. WORST case scenario, is a long drawn-out court battle. And it will be to your S's detriment and your H WILL have to help with BIG attorney fees.
So I came home and spoke to H about this and some other things--how paranoid I feel when he is on the phone for 20 minutes outside, etc.
I let him know that there was paperwork filed today that will make him leave the home, pay temporary spousal support, and I get the house and S temporarily. Of course, he was shocked. I said, look--this is not what I want necessarily, but this is what is done. My L advises me, and I do what she says to do. it won't be for a couple of months but I'm just letting you know it will happen.
So at one point when we are talking what he will have to give up, he said "I may as well not divorce you and pay for this stuff--I'll be much better off" (duh)lol.
Ok--hold on--I don't want *this*. For him to stop this and us to be like before. Yikes!
He started bringing up past hurts--some legitimate, some not--I validated them all (I'm so freaking GOOD at this now!lol.) and he brought up that he doesn't feel anything for me any more.
I know this is a problem that lots of people can't get past--and one of the things I learned through all my years here and I am SO glad I learned it! Feeling "love" for your spouse comes from doing SOMETHING. When you get married, you promise "to love" that person. It is an action verb, to love. There has to be an action first. I have had many, many days I didn't "love" my H. But I DID something and it brought the feeling back.
So I explained all that to him--and that ties in perfectly to his LL of "acts of service". I said, H, you know how almost every day I asked "what can I do for you today?". He said he did remember--I told him, the reason I did this was to DO something and then the FEELING would come.
He says, but I didn't feel like you loved me--I said, but H, that is because YOU didn't do anything!! You have to DO SOMETHING and then the feeling comes! The feeling CAME to ME. I was the one that felt it--you don't feel it because you have stopped DOING the ACTIONS it TAKES!
I think he had a lightbulb moment, I really do. Because then he got pretty flustered and left the house to pick up S from school.lol.
I am patting myself on the back here, you should just see me right now!!!
