Kids were asking to talk to him so I told him what had transpired. He got angry, I explained calmly that I did not do or say anything with anger. I simply respected our childrens' need to have time to process some of the changes in their world.
He started in on me, I told him I would no longer tolerate being disrespected. If he wanted an amicable co-parenting relationship then he could behave respectfully and honestly. The choice was his.
He said I was playing victim and blaming him for everything. I said I'm sorry you feel that way. I fully own my responsibility for what happened to our M, and to our dynamic. I can not however, own the responsibility for the choices he's made since January. Those are his. I did not want a divorce. I made many mistakes, I have many faults. But I did not cheat. In 15 years it was not always rosy for me either, but I did not cheat. I am far from perfect, I made lots of mistakes, but I did not cheat.
He said he fought for our M for the last 6 years and tried everything. I said that in hindsight I can see how hard he tried. I also said that I understand he was frustrated and tired.
I told him I will no longer enable or silently endorse his lies or disrespect. I will live a life of truth. I will be true to myself. I will be true to my children.
I said none of this with any expectations. This was for me.
I am still standing. PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I made many mistakes, I have many faults. But I did not cheat.
Originally Posted By: PEI
In 15 years it was not always rosy for me either, but I did not cheat.
Originally Posted By: PEI
I am far from perfect, I made lots of mistakes, but I did not cheat.
I think I understand.
You can stand in the middle on the tallest box and wear the medal that reads "I did not cheat"
I think H understands that now very clearly too.
Keep that medal and hold on to it. You earned it.
Show it to your children later.
Hold on to it as long as you need to.
Hold on tight. Don't let anyone take that thing.
Originally Posted By: PEI
He said he fought for our M for the last 6 years and tried everything. I said that in hindsight I can see how hard he tried. I also said that I understand he was frustrated and tired.
So who is more right?
Which explanation has more truth?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Grit ... you're right I made it sound like I said that to him over and over again, but I did not ... I was blurring the convo and my thoughts. I'm not sitting on some moral high-horse here. Do I believe that cheating is a "worse" marital sin? Yes, actually I do. And it has a lot to do with our pasts, and intimate information that only someone very close to me was privy to. Yes it hurt, he triggered my largest insecurities of all. And yes, I know those are my issues. I'm working on them.
There is no "more right" ... we both have our perceptions of right. He did try, in his way ... and it did not include letting me know he was so low that leaving was ever an option or any form of couples counselling. I can't go back and read his mind. And I'm done beating myself up about not seeing the signs. I too, did the best I could with the tools I had at the time.
And no ... H doesn't understand clearly at all. He says outright that he has not cheated ... he told me he was done before he hooked up with her and says that it's not cheating as a result of that, and it doesn't matter that we were still married, still engaging in marital relations, etc.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I, for one, and in my own opinion (true to my values) agree completely with PEI.
I look forward to the day that I can calmly and rationally pull this off.
My sincere thanks for posting all this, PEI.
I needed to see it.
Originally Posted By: PEI
He says outright that he has not cheated ... he told me he was done before he hooked up with her and says that it's not cheating as a result of that, and it doesn't matter that we were still married, still engaging in marital relations, etc
I'm sure my W feels the same.
However, if you are "done", kindly let the rest of us know and clean up the loose ends before you act on it.
Do I believe that cheating is a "worse" marital sin? Yes, actually I do.
I think everyone here probably would agree.
BUT
We are still here. If that is the end of the story then go home.
We all can go home if that's the case.
It isn't.
Originally Posted By: PEI
And it has a lot to do with our pasts, and intimate information that only someone very close to me was privy to. Yes it hurt, he triggered my largest insecurities of all
Ok.
Ok.
Now you know where your work lies. It doesn't matter that you didn't say that to him about the cheating.
You said it up there ^^^^^^.
Listen to you what you are saying...
You know what the stone in your shoe is.
Originally Posted By: PEI
And I'm done beating myself up about not seeing the signs.
Good. Please forgive yourself there. What would you have done anyway?
You are not worth less because H cheated on you
You are not worth more if he comes back
You are not worth less if he doesn't respect your boundary.
You are not worth more by demanding his respect.
You are worth as much as you love yourself
You are worth more when you stand for what you believe
You are worth more when you act with honor and integrity
You are worth more when you overcome anger and resentment
You are worth more when you can give love in the face of anything that would hold it back.
None of that has anything to do with anyone else but YOU.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I did it. I sat my three children down and talked to them.
I told them things were changing again. I asked them if they remembered when Daddy told them he needed some grown-up space and privacy. They said yes. I asked them if they remembered that we started taking turns taking care of them because we both love them very much. They said yes. Then I told them that Daddy had decided he needed more space and that he was moving out of this house. I told them that they would have rooms and toys and clothes in both places and both homes were "theirs". I explained that they would go back and forth.
D6 was very practical. She asked if it was a house and I told her that I thought Daddy had found an apartment. She asked where and I gave her a general idea. S5 started to cry and told me that he would miss me when he went to Daddy's. I told him that I would miss him too, and that whenever he is with one parent he can always call the other whenever he wants to. I told him that Daddy loves him very much too. He asked why I was crying and I told him that I am sad too but we would all be ok. And I smiled at him.
I told them we both love them very much. I told them this is not their fault. And then I hugged the hell out of them.
I'm still standing. PEI
God bless you, PEI. You're a wonderful mother, and your kids are blessed to have you looking out for them!
Kids were asking to talk to him so I told him what had transpired. He got angry, I explained calmly that I did not do or say anything with anger. I simply respected our childrens' need to have time to process some of the changes in their world.
He started in on me, I told him I would no longer tolerate being disrespected. If he wanted an amicable co-parenting relationship then he could behave respectfully and honestly. The choice was his.
He said I was playing victim and blaming him for everything. I said I'm sorry you feel that way. I fully own my responsibility for what happened to our M, and to our dynamic. I can not however, own the responsibility for the choices he's made since January. Those are his. I did not want a divorce. I made many mistakes, I have many faults. But I did not cheat. In 15 years it was not always rosy for me either, but I did not cheat. I am far from perfect, I made lots of mistakes, but I did not cheat.
He said he fought for our M for the last 6 years and tried everything. I said that in hindsight I can see how hard he tried. I also said that I understand he was frustrated and tired.
I told him I will no longer enable or silently endorse his lies or disrespect. I will live a life of truth. I will be true to myself. I will be true to my children.
I said none of this with any expectations. This was for me.
I am still standing. PEI
Oh, sh*t. Here I am, with my self-imposed "I only give out one '4 Whistles' Award per day" thing.
