However, going forward I cannot love her as I did.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
What do you mean by this?
I tried to explain in the rest of the post what I meant in that I cannot maintain the same attitudes; misconceptions and habits as before. In retrospect, I also need to give myself time to "slow down" in my interactions with her until my new "core" becomes fully ingrained.
e.g I need to be vigilant to "slights" and/or disrespect. Quite often, they go by me and we're onto something else when they register in my head.
-I must remember to LEAD and set the direction. Her decisions and thinking (especially now) are flawed and unreliable
-I cannot love her to the detriment of me. The "strength element" has to be maintained at all times. That is/was the fundamental flaw in the relationship. I allowed myself to be disrespected, over-ruled or ,worse, let her carry the ball without my input. For the sake of expediency; to avoid conflict; and/or in the hopes "whatever" would make/allow her to be happy, I stayed silent.
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!
My feelings of love are fine. My ACTIONS or lack of same were not. I hope that explains it more clearly.
Incidentally, we met this morning to exchange some stuff andd get some bank paper done.
She looks tired and older in her face.
She offered me some sunglasses. Brand new in bag. Said a client gave them to her. Asked me to try them on and said they looked really good on me.
I told her we need to unload the truck and gave her the details of the arrangement I made. She said she'd have to get the damaged fixed. I said "When? How fast can you have the 800 to fix it?"
She's gonna get back to me if the body shop can do the works and give her some time to pay it off. Since I just dropped the mortgage by 400/momth each, should be quick.
Switching vehicles and changing jobs should cut her fuel bill by half. Changing vehicles should save me about 300/month and her about 500.
Regarding the job, she is concerned about possible shift work interference with D2. I said "If this job is what yoy want, then you and I can discuss the childcare schedule to accomodate it. Meet with them ASAP"
She was told the job is hers for the taking. She thanked me again for the nice words Friday. She asked me what I thought of the Svc Manager. I said he seemed like a good person to work with. Proper attitude.
Anyway, I told her she needs to get to work and I have some appointments to get to.
My feelings? I can't say she's coming around as I didn't feel her situation/stance has changed. I saw nothing to suggest it. Her physical appearance is worsening. She did stand closer to me than normal initially and the sunglasses thing was odd.
Not trying to mind read. Just trying to give you all an idea how it went down.
Personally, I spoke too much and too quickly. But I didn't veer off of the tasks at hand. I did, however, put all my happiness into D2.
However, going forward I cannot love her as I did.
CD maybe love is the wrong word here. Do you mean you can't treat her as lovingly as you feel based on being disrespected and forced to draw a boundary?
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
The "strength element" has to be maintained at all times. That is/was the fundamental flaw in the relationship. I allowed myself to be disrespected, over-ruled or ,worse, let her carry the ball without my input. For the sake of expediency; to avoid conflict; and/or in the hopes "whatever" would make/allow her to be happy, I stayed silent.
And you did this in your M because you thought that if you did she would love you?
Flaw in the relationship or you? Where does the responsibility for that lie?
And you want to change that now why?
This is something that "stings" from your M that you want to change?
CD I am not trying to put tacks in your saddle.
We throw these terms around and it is important that you know what they mean for you.
Most importantly how they are part of your core.
Originally Posted By: CD
My feelings of love are fine.
Puppy posted something on another thread about feelings maybe he can dig it up for you.
I liked it.
This is a process CD. You only figure it out by living it. Seeing where the pieces fit together.
Questioning. And digging for your answers.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I tried to explain in the rest of the post what I meant in that I cannot maintain the same attitudes
I see it's not love you're talking about but rather the expression of you in your interactions. I think it ends up coming down to semantics.
Love - a desire to be and act intimate to a certain degree Attitude - your protection of your reaction to the situation Actions - what you do/say based on boundaries you have drawn or not drawn. No boundaries, wide open expression of yourself and they of themselves. Tight boundaries - relevant expression based on the boundary.
You can love someone and eject them from your life. Take away the expression of that love as being friendly and nice. You don't act mean, you just don't act friendly.
You can also dislike someone and keep them in your life.
The conundrum is this - they act disrespectful at one time, then act nice and respectful, then act disrespectful, etc... do you enforce the boundary each time they are being disrespectful or do you freeze all friend type interactions until they stop the pattern? I would imagine it depends on what the person is willing to take and deal with.
In the case of an A, that's an ongoing act of disrespect so it's more cut and dry.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Puppy posted something on another thread about feelings maybe he can dig it up for you.
I liked it.
Phenomenal post, TG.
I think this is what you're referring to, from Coach:
Coach’s “Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings” philosophy:
Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs not your feelings. As a Coach and a former military officer I know lots of ways to change how you are feeling. Feelings are fleeting, can be manipulated, can be dysfunctional, situational and are a poor compass.
Prisons are full of people who went with their feelings. To be a great DBer you need to be able to think. Detach and look at the situation in 360 degrees. State your goals (which are consistent with your beliefs) and come up with a plan of action. If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting.
If you love your spouse and let them go. It's not lying to do that, even though you don't feel that is the best thing to do. Understand your feelings, know why you feel the way you do and take healthy productive action based on your goals.
You have a choice in how you handle things. You can choose the path of love, self-respect, healthy communication, forgiveness and responsibility for your self. Or you can choose to be a victim, make others responsible for your feelings and let things happen to you. "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Don't let your feelings define you. Let your actions which is a sign of your character. Handle it.
*sliding sideways on stage from behind curtains* Air strumming a guitar in coool glasses in white socks doing the Risky Business jig! Howdy everyone...I like Puppy's pool party here! Can I bring my Bud Lite and arm wings?
PEI: Madam, sorry for the disrespect..errr...let me revise accordingly. I am gonna switch you from being that "nice lady" to "sassy lady!" Better m'lady?
Regarding comments about love. I say love is a choice. A daily choice.
CD:
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I know many say the LBS shouldn't pursue the D but if I don't do something it won't happen.
Dude...time for a reality check. You are a male (the last time I checked...yep) which compels you to fix something and no movement from W is driving you batty. Which means...don't act on those feelings. Be SMART in DBing. Don't make it wasy on the W regarding D since SHE wants it and let her do the D stuff. And you have not given DBing enough time to take effect...although it is already starting to happen and slowly becoming apparent in your sitch. Read on.
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She looks tired and older in her face.
Quote:
She thanked me again for the nice words Friday.
DBing works...she is feeling the stress and pressure of living with the 23-year old OM & his ragtag family, starting a new job, and paying for OM's schooling. And she remembers your WOA!!! That slow dribble of WOAs from you will go a long way in W's mind and the contrast between you and OM is starting to emerge in her mind (even though she is not telling you anything or giving any indications). Ye be sure that she defnitely is mentally taking notes of you during all of your interactions (phone calls, convos, texts and exchanges)!
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I can't say she's coming around as I didn't feel her situation/stance changed. I saw nothing to suggest it. Her physical appearance is worsening.
Remember my caution that WASes move at a glacier pace. Just ask Puppy and Allen. Again, stay still and be quiet---and WATCH. Things will change fairly quick and soon since W is starting a new job and OM will begin his studies probably next week (if not already begun).
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She did stand closer to me than normally initially...
This is a very good sign. This means that W feels safe and comfortable with you. Keep up with the positive and respectful attitude. One suggestion is to be the first to end convos. That will fluster her and make her wonder about what you're up to.
General Questions for CD:
1) When was the last time W was in your house? 2) Which rooms did she enter during the last visit? 3) When did she move out of the house?
This will help us give you some input in revising and refining the DB game plan a bit more.
CD...please stick with this forum. Best to stay here as you are not exactly a newcommer and makes it easier for all of us who follow your thread right here.
Feelings - I'm pissed off, hurt and confused because my W is having an affair. I'm so angry I could really lash into her and beat her down mentally/emotionally. I'm gonna make her feel so guilty and giver her a lashing.
Values - I will control my feelings and not act out accordingly. My feelings change. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm not (at her) When I act out it's only on the feelings I have RIGHT NOW. My values say I will draw a boundary due to her behavior to protect my self respect (my family, whatever it is). I draw the boundary and I enforce it.
Do I want my feelings to control me (which are often at the mercy of others' behavior, in effect, allowing them to control us; or do I want to chose my reaction?) The ultimate goal is to be unflappable - totally emotionally unaffected by someone else's behavior.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
That slow dribble of WOAs from you will go a long way in W's mind and the contrast between you and OM is starting to emerge in her mind (even though she is not telling you anything or giving any indications). Ye be sure that she defnitely is mentally taking notes of you during all of your interactions (phone calls, convos, texts and exchanges)!