I sent a text to my W asking her if she can take the kids tomorrow. I have them tonight through 4:00 tomorrow. Since there is no school they're with me. She said in the beginning of the summer she would be available to take them if I had to work on the days I had them.
She sent a text back saying she couldn't take them tomorrow. She works for the school and did extra work over the summer but she finished that last week.
It's fine though. I expected her to not take them if I needed her to.
She also said she bought a chicken and wanted to know if I had made dinner plans for the kids tonight - she said she would cook it today so the kids and I can have it tonight. I sent a text saying I will take care of dinner. I also asked her if she can/wanted to take the kids any daytime I have them from now until school starts.
I sent a follow up thanking her for her offer on the chicken and I appreciated it.
She said she could take my S this Thurs (we split the kids on Wed nights - my S is with me and my D is with W) but won't be able to take them next Mon or Wed.
My first inclination was she is doing this because she doesn't want to help out - since I know she isn't working right now. But then I thought, well it is my responsibility and she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. No biggie. I'll handle it.
About half an hour later I get a text. "Are you sure you don't want the chicken? It's a good day to run the oven."
I thought about it for a while. Do I accept a nice gesture from her? Do I want to? Would it be nice not to have to cook dinner tonight? What's her motive? (Something about my W. She tends to 'buy' people by doing things for them or bringing them gifts. She is a people pleaser so I wonder if my acceptance of her offer somehow buys her some room 'off the hook' for what she's been doing)
I laughed at myself and made it really simple. What do I want?
I decided I'd like to have the chicken and I won't have to cook.
So I sent her text and said, "Ok. I'll give them chicken tonight. Thanks. It's very nice of you to offer."
Too weak? Fine? Any input? It's been quite a while since she offered to do something nice for me, so I really wasn't prepared for it.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Coach’s “Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings” philosophy:
Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs not your feelings. As a Coach and a former military officer I know lots of ways to change how you are feeling. Feelings are fleeting, can be manipulated, can be dysfunctional, situational and are a poor compass.
Prisons are full of people who went with their feelings. To be a great DBer you need to be able to think. Detach and look at the situation in 360 degrees. State your goals (which are consistent with your beliefs) and come up with a plan of action. If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting.
If you love your spouse and let them go. It's not lying to do that, even though you don't feel that is the best thing to do. Understand your feelings, know why you feel the way you do and take healthy productive action based on your goals.
You have a choice in how you handle things. You can choose the path of love, self-respect, healthy communication, forgiveness and responsibility for your self. Or you can choose to be a victim, make others responsible for your feelings and let things happen to you. "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Don't let your feelings define you. Let your actions which is a sign of your character. Handle it.
Cheers Coach
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
And yet another one: (This is me working through a dilemna I have concerning boundaries/attitudes/love/friendliness. It's a constant learning curve for me, usually swinging from one extreme to the other trying to get to the center balance point:
I just read up a little again and saw this:
Originally Posted By: CD
I tried to explain in the rest of the post what I meant in that I cannot maintain the same attitudes
I see it's not love you're talking about but rather the expression of you in your interactions. I think it ends up coming down to semantics.
Love - a desire to be and act intimate to a certain degree Attitude - your protection of your reaction to the situation Actions - what you do/say based on boundaries you have drawn or not drawn. No boundaries, wide open expression of yourself and they of themselves. Tight boundaries - relevant expression based on the boundary.
You can love someone and eject them from your life. Take away the expression of that love as being friendly and nice. You don't act mean, you just don't act friendly.
You can also dislike someone and keep them in your life.
The conundrum is this - they act disrespectful at one time, then act nice and respectful, then act disrespectful, etc... do you enforce the boundary each time they are being disrespectful or do you freeze all friend type interactions until they stop the pattern? I would imagine it depends on what the person is willing to take and deal with.
In the case of an A, that's an ongoing act of disrespect so it's more cut and dry.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
My take on Coach’s “Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings” philosophy:
Originally Posted By: steady
Originally Posted By: CD Bear
I'm more confused now than ever before.
Feelings - I'm pissed off, hurt and confused because my W is having an affair. I'm so angry I could really lash into her and beat her down mentally/emotionally. I'm gonna make her feel so guilty and giver her a lashing.
Values - I will control my feelings and not act out accordingly. My feelings change. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm not (at her) When I act out it's only on the feelings I have RIGHT NOW. My values say I will draw a boundary due to her behavior to protect my self respect (my family, whatever it is). I draw the boundary and I enforce it.
Do I want my feelings to control me (which are often at the mercy of others' behavior, in effect, allowing them to control us; or do I want to chose my reaction?) The ultimate goal is to be unflappable - totally emotionally unaffected by someone else's behavior.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Just an observation, but the alternate plan also could have been make sure you have some cash and the menu of a place that delivers or have a frozen pizza in your freezer.
I think you handled it well though and agree with CD's take on it.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
Thanks MM. There's always something to make in the house. Even order pizza or chinese. We ended up taking the chicken over to my brother's house and they made pizza so we all ended up eating together.
My S told me tonight he wants to spend as much time with his mom and me. It's funny at their ages how they seem to switch things around based on which direction the wind is blowing.
When I went home to swap with my W my D was very upset. Kept saying and crying she wanted to stay with her mom. She even told me she hates me, I laughed and told her that's ok. She was fine after about 10 minutes or so. They had just spent the past week with my W.
My D made another comment tonight. We were talking about how we used to something together around the house and she said, "Can we go back to that?" I asked, "Back to what?" "Back to when me, my brother, you and mommy used to do things all together." I told her I know honey. It's ok. (Distraction works great)
I do feel bad for her. These are things and questions she has to deal with at 4. She's not even supposed to be even thinking about this stuff or having the emotional turmoil my kids have at their age. It sucks and it breaks my heart.
Anyway, they're both asleep upstairs and I'm taking care of household stuff.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Steady, getting caught up here. You sound like me in some ways: I do great with the big picture stuff but I always question the little interactions/niceties of what I should be doing on a day to day basis. On one hand, it's nice when things are pleasant. On the other hand, you don't want to be too friendly and make the WS comfortable with their bad behavior. While knowing you're to be living life for yourself and kids, you always want to behave in ways to draw WS back. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here on a DBing forum! LOL
My sitch is different in that H and I are not separated, but it's still hard to discern at times what to do.
When I went home to swap with my W my D was very upset. Kept saying and crying she wanted to stay with her mom. She even told me she hates me, I laughed and told her that's ok. She was fine after about 10 minutes or so.
Very well-handled, Steady. You'd be suprised at how many people give in to this, and then the kids ends up with no structure, wandering back and forth between the two marital homes like gypsies, with no set schedules. You used humor to diffuse the situation, and were strong and leading, and that's the kind of structure and love that your kids need from you thru this.
