Schnarch says that M is a people-growing machine and that in order to develop true intimacy both partners need to stretch and grow. This applies both in and out of the bedroom. In the situation you describe above, Schnarch would say that you should find some way to participate in your H's favorite hobby and he should reciprocate.
Hi GAG, thanks again for your support! I appreciate the insights. Yes, I've listened to that same book and wholeheartedly agree with what he's saying there. I'm having some resistance applying to my sitch though. The reason is that for many years, I was the one who stuck my neck out to participate in H's hobbies and life. However, it was not reciprocated. Further, the more I adapted to his life and activities, the more he pushed me to adapt further, and the less he bothered to adapt and become part of mine. This led to a lot of resentment and mistrust in me. Even just writing that, I feel the old 'burn' in the pit of my stomach. I get now, why this situation came to be, and I forgive him the events and background that led him to be that way.
I can't however, just forget it. I'm still afraid of losing myself and being rejected, by stepping into his hobbies and life and finding out that he still might not reciprocate. So there's some work there that still needs to be done: - to get me to have the courage to take the step to not only participate in his hobbies, but request he try mine too - to retain the self-awareness to see what's happening if my request of having him join in my hobbies/life is not reciprocated (*This will be a big hurdle for me - this is where I'd typically get lost in the fog... 'oh we're having sooo much fun...we're getting so connected'... only to wake up weeks/months/years later realizing that suuure we're connecting... on HIS terms, in HIS life but my life is nowhere to be found anymore. That cold sweat of realizing that my life has become completely wrapped around his yet again) (See the fear there!? Makes my stomach knot up just thinking about it!) - and finally, if the above works out, to use my fledgling self-esteem to assert and maintain a mutually respectful boundary about participating in one another's activities and interests.
So, I think it's all do-able. And I do agree with what you've said above and thank you for reminding me of it. I think though, that I've still got some work to do to get there. BUT at least today, I believe it can happen!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
