Good morning GAG, I'm so sorry I haven't replied to your post on my thread until this morning. We had company this weekend, and although I had time to read through your thread, I didn't have time to post the kind of reply I wanted to. So thought I'd wait til this morning so I could give it more time and thought. Thanks so much for your comments on my sitch. I really appreciate the support. Thanks also for asking for my perspective on your sitch - I shall do my best to offer you something useful!

I'm so sorry you find yourself in the sitch you're in. It certainly sounds like it's been a frustrating time for you, but I admire the way you're handling it! I am always so impressed by folks who are able to master setting such healthy boundaries in a mutually respectful way, for example when you didn't allow him to reschedule a date on such short notice, and letting him know he didn't have to housesit that time.

The first suggestion that comes to mind is to recommend you either download or go buy a couple books by Terrence Real. He's a therapist who specializes in working with men. I've listened to two of his books - 'How Can I Get Through to You - Reconnecting Men and Women', and 'The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work'. These are both exceptional resources and have been very empowering and enlightening to me, in understanding both myself and my H. He's also written another you might be interested in: 'I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression'. I haven't read this third book, but it has excellent reviews on Amazon.

I'm so happy to hear you both have begun to reconnect. So, you asked me 'Do you think that there are certain things that I need to watch for as we begin to reconnect?'. But I'm going to reply in kind of a counter-intuitive way. (And I do hope this won't offend...) I think the things you need to watch for and pay attention to right now, are more in yourself than in him! Here's why I say that...

You identified at the beginning of this thread that he had an alcoholic mom and workaholic dad. And later, you mentioned you felt he had a fear of connection. I think you're bang on there. I feel so badly for you both to learn that he refused counseling. However, I'm not surprised to hear of this either. His first family set him up as a bit of a loner. My parent's issues were not so extreme, but they were also unavailable to me growing up. This sets a person up to expect to have solve ALL their own issues and have extreme difficulty maintaining intimate connections in life. Establishing them is easier, maintaining them is the problem because they just don't know how to ask for the support, help and connection they need. Often they don't even think they're entitled to need it; they want it, but it makes them feel guilty and ashamed for wanting it - for expecting it from others. So, they stuff it down where it often turns into withdrawal. Thus the resistance to telling an intimate partner that they're unhappy (as you mentioned at the top of your thread). I think that's perhaps why he turned to his BMF...the connection with you was so strong that he perhaps felt asking for what he needed was too risky (although I think that's all an unconscious thing) Granted that's a vicious circle because it's those behaviors - eg) lack of communication and withholding feelings - that break the connection and drive Rs apart anyways. Anyways, this brings me to why I'm suggesting you continue to take care of your own self first...

I think that to really help continuing that reconnection with him, you're going to have to keep modeling those healthy boundaries, growing your communication/listening skills and show him how to reach out and connect in healthy ways. One instance that kind of caught me was when he told you but didn't give you details on going on the vacay/work trip - I think you were wondering if there was OW involved. What struck me was that although you were wondering, you didn't ask him for any more info about the trip. It sounds like you had some un-asked, and un-answered questions there. Not pushy details about who he was going with etc, granted, but just as casual conversation about a trip he was planning. Was there something there that made you resist asking? Why do you think you didn't ask? What response did you think you'd get?

Anyways, it doesn't sound like he ever had a role model to show him those crucial relationship skills before - much like both myself and my H. And I found that the more I'm learning about them, and learning to develop them, (with the help and instruction of my IC), the more my H has begun learning too. Granted, don't forget helping him learn is a benefit, not the purpose of learning these skills. You need to 'put on your own life jacket first, before you can help anyone else out of the water'. smile But I think the more you experience and model those healthy R skills, the more likely it is that he will continue to be drawn back to you. At least, that's what I've experienced - in fact, I found I've been more drawn back to my H as much as he's been drawn back to me. (Yes there's bumps, but overall I think this is the trend)

PS. I hope this isn't going to sound too hokey, but I'm going to suggest it... have you been, or might you be able, to keep a diary of your interactions with him? Specifically, keep a record of times you've been assertive with him, or have successfully shared your feelings about something with him about something important to you (I can't remember the topic, but I'd liked where Jody suggested you do that! She said 'you're human too'). Then track his reaction, even if it doesn't come for a while, so you can watch how your patterns evolve.

Anyways I'm sorry about the length of this post. I do hope that there's something useful for you there - even if it's just the book suggestions! Take care, I'll keep on watching your thread and I'm cheering for you! FMV.

I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.