although i have a lot of respect for puppy and allen, i don't always think that exposure works the same with everyone.
i raised the question recently about why the WAS would have respect for you if you've exposed the A. because if it was me, i'd be angry that it was outed very publicly and left me embarrassed. i would hate you for exposing my sitch rather than respect you for standing up for our m.
so i think the exposure technique only works if you know your spouse well enough. i don't think it'd work for me personally. if i outed my h as a mama's boy, it would send him running to his parents even more and he would hate me for embarrassing him in front of friends. but that's because i know how my h would react.
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They had some ugly words for me in the beginning--money grubber was my moniker from his mom!
keeping my mouth shut on that one. i'm taking your advice and not rehashing the past.
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I had my suspicions about the home thing too--and I had him put in writing that his intention is for me to keep the home. My L tells me this may be helpful.
this is so important. cover your butt. money seems to bring out the worst in us so develop a thick skin now.
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I have been tempted to go speak to his parents. They are good people, have NO idea what he is really like, and I have been wanting to spare them the "gory details",
what are you hoping to achieve by talking to his parents? i have to ask because his mother called you the 'money grubber'. and they are his parents so maybe they do know what he's like and they are enabling it. just a thought.
i'm really sorry to hear how things have been turning out. you are entitled to your 'raging' days. i hate to see this affect your children. it affects them no matter what age they are at. but you are setting a good example that you will not be pushed around. you matter in this m.
Hey D4L, Kat, and Sandi, you guys are RIGHT ON!! I do lurk over there on those Infedelity boards (addicting!! it is SO nitty gritty over there!) and I think some of that hard-hitting stuff has gotten me in trouble over the past couple of months. Yes, I need to be tougher--but...those guys really do push it. I need a more gentle approach in my sitch.
I should NOT expose to his parents. Silly that I even thought it, although I must say that I wish they knew I was fighting for the marriage still. I hear they are terribly depressed and I hate to hear that. They have no idea I am working this hard, and my sis-in-law has asked me several times to think about speaking to them to get them to not be so sad. But they have to go through their own stuff, and perhaps my H NEEDS to see how miserable he is making his parents with all his nonsense.
Now--onto H's nonsense. Ok, I think he said to me today he doesn't want to get divorced.lol. The message was pretty loud and clear, even if he didn't say it. I went to my L this a.m. and she gave me a lot of confidence. I have been just DYING of fright and terror and then I kept thinking...what is the WORST my H could do to me--take my S and leave me homeless and penniess.
Ok, if he takes my S from me my S is 15 and he will know that his dad did that and someday he will be able to see what kind of person my H is. I don't have to say a word.
If he leaves me penniless, same thing--S will know what his dad has done and knows what his dad is about.
If homeless, I have a sister and friends--that ain't happening either. And again, my S will know.
So....I was in a much better frame of mind anyway when I went to see L, and she basically is like--are you nuts??? none of that will happen.lol. WORST case scenario, is a long drawn-out court battle. And it will be to your S's detriment and your H WILL have to help with BIG attorney fees.
So I came home and spoke to H about this and some other things--how paranoid I feel when he is on the phone for 20 minutes outside, etc.
I let him know that there was paperwork filed today that will make him leave the home, pay temporary spousal support, and I get the house and S temporarily. Of course, he was shocked. I said, look--this is not what I want necessarily, but this is what is done. My L advises me, and I do what she says to do. it won't be for a couple of months but I'm just letting you know it will happen.
So at one point when we are talking what he will have to give up, he said "I may as well not divorce you and pay for this stuff--I'll be much better off" (duh)lol.
Ok--hold on--I don't want *this*. For him to stop this and us to be like before. Yikes!
He started bringing up past hurts--some legitimate, some not--I validated them all (I'm so freaking GOOD at this now!lol.) and he brought up that he doesn't feel anything for me any more.
I know this is a problem that lots of people can't get past--and one of the things I learned through all my years here and I am SO glad I learned it! Feeling "love" for your spouse comes from doing SOMETHING. When you get married, you promise "to love" that person. It is an action verb, to love. There has to be an action first. I have had many, many days I didn't "love" my H. But I DID something and it brought the feeling back.
So I explained all that to him--and that ties in perfectly to his LL of "acts of service". I said, H, you know how almost every day I asked "what can I do for you today?". He said he did remember--I told him, the reason I did this was to DO something and then the FEELING would come.
He says, but I didn't feel like you loved me--I said, but H, that is because YOU didn't do anything!! You have to DO SOMETHING and then the feeling comes! The feeling CAME to ME. I was the one that felt it--you don't feel it because you have stopped DOING the ACTIONS it TAKES!
I think he had a lightbulb moment, I really do. Because then he got pretty flustered and left the house to pick up S from school.lol.
I am patting myself on the back here, you should just see me right now!!!
lauraoh. i could use your advice and encouragement over on my thread.
i'm almost in tears right now due to fear. fear of not knowing what's coming. i have that eerie feeling that i'm going to be hit hard with something from a legal standpoint. i don't know why .. just that feeling. i have been right in the past when i get these hunches and so now i'm really scared again.
Hang in there--I have just a couple of minutes before my H and S get back--they went to get gas (!!! My job usually!!!) for the grill and I jumped on the computer for a sec.
my intel told me he called his l at 10:30 on friday night. why would you call your l on a friday night unless it was an emergency? and then right after that, he called his parents.
this d is between me and him. he's got his parents feeding him stuff .. i know there's a big bomb coming. it's probably going to be something ridiculous .. like some big accusation against me like i'm abusive or something. i haven't done anything. what can they pull on me? anything is possible.
D4ML--I so get the paranoid feeling. I am living it here, it is HELL.
I WISH my H was gone from the home right now--so I could just NOT HEAR HIS PHONE GO OFF!! And then he goes outside to talk and it SUCKS!!!
You need to stop your Intel--please--it is hurting you. I don't know how to look up my H's phone log and I'm SO GLAD I don't know how. It doesn't help and puts you like this--not good.
I get it, Oh, do I get it--you were looking for someone else and I did it too. But there is no one else. So stop.
And, you know what?lol. I woke up last night in the middle of the night THINKING OF YOU.lol and what you said about "being each other's first" and you have been married 9 years and it hit me like a bolt in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
He was a virgin in his 30s???
Yeah, you don't have to answer on this public forum but this guy is NOT a sleep-around kind of guy. AT ALL!! And his mom's germaphobia thing? Yeah, the chances of him doing that are beyond none. No WAY.
You will someday see what a blessing your M-in-law's germaphobia is!!
Anyway, there may be something coming. Go play squash or do whatever you do to calm yourself when there is something bad about to happen. Get yourself in a happy place anyway--you have to take care of you and part of your work here is to figure out WHAT makes you get to your happy place the quickest.
I WISH my H was gone from the home right now--so I could just NOT HEAR HIS PHONE GO OFF!! And then he goes outside to talk and it SUCKS!!!
yeah. you have to try and not let the paranoia get to you. look at me as an example. forrest can drop my sitch any moment now .. it drags you into that vortex like a toilet bowl and to crawl out takes so much work. don't go there.
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You need to stop your Intel--please--it is hurting you. I don't know how to look up my H's phone log and I'm SO GLAD I don't know how. It doesn't help and puts you like this--not good.
i have to say .. it came to a point where checking my intel resources made my heart race with anxiety. and i had to stop it for that reason. i can't live with that kind of constant fear. it makes me not want to check and so i've weened myself off.
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And, you know what?lol. I woke up last night in the middle of the night THINKING OF YOU.lol and what you said about "being each other's first" and you have been married 9 years and it hit me like a bolt in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
you're making me feel bad now. i don't want you to have sleepless nights over my sitch. you have enough on your plate already.
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Yeah, you don't have to answer on this public forum but this guy is NOT a sleep-around kind of guy. AT ALL!! And his mom's germaphobia thing? Yeah, the chances of him doing that are beyond none. No WAY.
he admits he has a lot of issues with sleeping around. germs and diseases being one of them. he never was the type and it was one of the things i admired about him. we were similar that way. but do people change? is that something that could change?
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Anyway, there may be something coming. Go play squash or do whatever you do to calm yourself when there is something bad about to happen. Get yourself in a happy place anyway--you have to take care of you and part of your work here is to figure out WHAT makes you get to your happy place the quickest.
i have been trying. one of the things i really have to try and do is get some sleep. i lose sleep or i sleep too late. it's not good for me.
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Take care sweetie, I'm here if you need to talk.
thanks so much lauraoh. you have been really good to me .. seeing me through my ups and downs.
we should get back to your sitch .. my thread is still alive and kicking .. no need to hijack here.
I have learned a lot from Puppy & Allen and understand much better now as to why A busting must be carried out in a swift & what may seem a harsh manner. As they have said, you have one shot at doing it and it has to be done correctly or it is a big failure. The shock & embarressment is suppose to hit hard enough to end the affair.
As far as "respect" toward the S who does the busting, I understand what you are saying. But, if the S carries out the bust correctly.....it should not appear as he/she is being vindictive. That's the key word for me. I worry that morebusting is done through venengence rather than letting parents, adult children, and a few close friends know the truth of why the MR is in trouble.
Lack of respect is more likely if the LBS endures an A and enables the WAS to continue and cover up the truth where family/friends are concerned.
We have to understand that when an A is brought to the light, it is with the realization that it not to "fix" the M or to end it, but to allow light into the dark secret of the WAS.
One word about "parents", and that goes back to blood being thicker than water. I do not believe the LBS should approach the WAS's parents with the knowledge of their child's sins...and expect to be "favored". In other words, even if the in-laws are on the side of the LBS and support the M....that WAS is "still" their child and in the end....that fact will carry the most weight and it's the LBS who will be excluded in family times, not the WS (if there is a D). So, one must step carefully when exposing to the WAS's parents.
I do not believe that exposure of a "mamma's boy" would be of much use. I mean, if you want to tell your family and some close friends that that is the problem in the M....that's fine, but what good does it do? I don't think it could really be compared to having an affair. In fact, I'm not sure exposure is effective in a MR--except an affair.
I know that it takes a lot of hard work to overcome the humilitation of being exposed to just the immediate family...(I'm not even talking about friends). It's also not easy to have warm loving emotions for the S who did the exposing, but I have concluded that without exposure that many would continue to relapse into other A's.
I have seen Newcomers post to other newcomers that they need to expose....but they are not experience or informed enough themselves...and that gets dangerous b/c is must be done correctly. People must have all the information and be prepared and not just run out and tell.
Anyway....I think I'm repeating myself, but I do see the neccesity of exposure. I could get off into how I think it affects the female from the male....but I've written long enough.
Laura, you're right, that infidelity board is not for the faint of heart. A few years on this board will toughen you up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
