Little comment about people not wanting me to be with WH:
Saw a coworker that I haven't seen since last year. She accidentally let it slip that she heard that I would do counseling with WH. She was like 'why'? I explained but it just shows that word is getting around!
I wish I could just take a microphone and say: Guys, this isn't like he and I were dating or anything. We were married for a long time and we have a baby together! Not only that, but our married life was GOOD (tho it had problems) and it's not like I'm trying to get back with an abuser or anything!
That's tough. You don't need to defend yourself G. Just tell them "I'm not ready to speak about this now. We were married a long time. We're starting a conversation we needed to have a long time ago.." or something (I am bad at speeches, so maybe someone else can chime in).
Each day..each day.. keep your focus on you and the little one.
G, just checking in. So you have decided to let your H bring up counseling? Is that right? (just getting caught up)
and daycare...how is your daughter when you come to get her? How have you been managing being away from her? Just curious
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Today WH was over all day. Sorta. First, he was late. By an hour. So I was really upset. I went out to the trail to jog/walk and he texted 'I apologize. I know you had a lot to do today. I'll stay as late as you want.'
Me: 'I know you will. Expect very late because i'm going out. I don't want to talk today besides logistics. I'm done with all of this. I should have known."
Him: "Should have known what?"
Me: "That even though you said you'd leave at 10, even though you said you'd be here 'all day,' follow-through wouldn't be there. i'm saying i shouldn't have expected you to mean what you said."
Me again: "To have respected my time and me. I should know by now."
When I got back home, we didn't speak.
Finally, I realized it was really awkward for the baby. He was holding her, but not saying anything. The apartment was silent. It was just weird.
After about 45 minutes I said we should talk.
And that's when everything came out. We didn't fight; we never do. We resolved the late issue pretty quickly. He explained (he was riding his bike, saw the farmer's market and stopped there and then returned to his place with his food and THEN left) and I explained that it made me feel like he didn't care.
But then we went "there." This will be random.
+ He felt like I left him because I refuse to be friends with him. + He said he was working hard to be honest with himself. + During the time we split, he was drunk every night. He was even drunk at work. He said it was a wonder he wasn't fired. + He started to feel better around May. + He didn't think he'd like the baby, but he's surprised by how much he loves her. + He was mad at me because he thought I got pregnant on purpose without letting him know (because I was off the pill that one time!) + Our baby is the perfect memento of our relationship (which is now over) + We can never go back to being together + Once when he was little, he took a robin's egg and smashed it. As it was happening, he couldn't believe he was doing it and it was an out-of-body thing. He said he felt the same way with this because he couldn't believe he was doing this to me. (Makes me think he slept with people.) + He misses our relationship but the 'new' him just can't do that anymore + He cares about me deeply + We (he just texted me asking if she was asleep yet. i said yes.) both didn't nurture our relationship and we let our love die. (I agreed with him on this-- validation!) + We may not be compatible sexually (this one kinda pissed me off.) He explained that he meant that we both have intimacy issues so it will be really hard for us to overcome that. (I honestly think this is the biggest reason he doesn't think it can work.) + He doesn't want to pass his issues to our little girl + He's afraid that if we don't split now, we will down the line and it will be worse for little girl
I said:
+ I agreed we couldn't "go back" especially because we now agree that the relationship wasn't nurtured. But I said that we could possibly start new. + I said I wasn't sure if we should be together, but I leaned toward trying. + I explained my whole story-- how I sobbed daily and nightly and barely worked for a month-- and how I learned to hate him. And then it changed again when I saw him after the birth. (Looks like he's not going to text again.)
At the end of the convo, I felt better. Probably just because we communicated. I even told him I felt better. (Regret.)
Then I went out and got waxed. My waxing chick said some interesting things like, "Sounds like you guys didn't have much passion. You deserve that." "You keep talking about 'making it work' but it sounds so forced."
Interesting.
But I cried later, for a while, and still need to cry more tonight. This is not as bad as bomb-time, no, but it is just really sad. He's not going to change from this. Even though he said he wanted to do counseling TWICE not that long ago.
So now I have to decide again how friendly I will be around him. I asked him to leave early tonight (when I got home) and he was sad. He tried to stay, but I said he should leave. It will be hard to not be "friends" as long as little girl is breastfed, but I'm going to try.
I know that I can find someone else, but I don't want to. People don't understand how I can want him. I guess I don't understand either.
And I don't want to hear that any of this is script.
He really means it.
The question is do I bet that he won't mean it in the future and wait around? Or do I seriously and truly move on? and for me that does mean filing for divorce. And then dating when the divorce is finalized.
He texted back to say 'good.'
I have such a bad memory, I can't remember what it was like to not interact with him daily like it was before the birth. I am hoping to be able to achieve that when I move.
