Relocated the family and he dropped the bomb

[steady]

One thing I need to change is not involving so many other people. When I would go to him to talk about the R and he stonewalled me, I would talk to friends or family. That has not helped, only further eroded the sacred bond between us. I need to keep things that are between us, between us.

I agree to a point with keeping things between you and H between you two. But those are more intimate details between you. If you go to your friends and family looking for help, then there's nothing wrong with that. That's why we have a support group.

Now for your part -

When he stonewalled you what did you do? I will imagine for a moment that you just walked away in frustration, turning to your friends and family to talk about him stone walling you.

What could you do different in any R where your partner is stonewalling you? (yes, I'm looking for your answer. I have my own but it won't help you)

We lost the connection when he graduated college and I had one semester left there and then I moved back to my home state (1/2 hr away) and he went to med school. We just stopped seeing each other. I had my own apartment and job and kept myself busy making new friends because he was so busy and I only saw him usually a few hours on Saturdays.

Again, what did you do when you realized this was happening? How did you feel? Did you approach him and talk about it? If you did, did he stone-wall you?

I'm not kidding myself, I know there must be more, but I'm still working on that...

How are you working on that? Assume there is more because there is. But you have to look at yourself as an individual and not at the relationship entity. Problems in a relationship are two people coming together with baggage and issues which cause friction when they collide.

He stonewalls. You need to talk. These two actions collide and cause a problem. They are opposing actions. He needs to talk to you, and you need to give him space not to. (I don't mean right now, just as a general solution to this specific kind of issue)

And for a few questions. I am still cooking for the family, doing all the laundry, ironing his clothes, etc. That doesn't bother me at all. He mentioned doing his own a few weeks ago and I said no, we are still married and that (to me) falls under one of my tasks to do. When his parents detached (they are still married living parallel lives) his dad started doing his own laundry to prove and point and be independent. I told H that I didn't see the point of us following their lead because I'm still the wife and we all still live here. One of his biggest fears is us turning into his parents marriage. My friends are giving me grief that he is cake-eating since I still do everything around here and I need to let him take care of himself so he can 'appreciate me'. Thoughts on this?

My W and I still do the laundry when each of us has the house. This includes kids, hers and mine - whatever needs to be washed. She does not hang up my shirts or put stuff in drawers, I do since she moved back into the master bedroom. (We are never at the house at the same time)

How about you guys splitting the total laundry rather than separating them into his and hers? One week you do the laundry, next week he does. This kills two birds with one stone. Makes him carry half the load and keeps it from splitting you two further apart.

So my question is do I 'listen' and give him space or do I ask him about the other email address which will only tick him off? I'm leaning toward not asking. If they don't text all day the friendship will definitely die off and if I ask and make him mad, he can just create a new email account I don't know about. At some point I will have to have trust in him again.

This isn't so simple. But, I can say, you need to take him out of the equation. Stop worrying about how he is going to react and think only about you, your boundaries, what is acceptable for you at this point. If your boundary is complete transparency, then I would ask him. If you have that boundary and you don't ask you are not enforcing your boundary.

You are thinking about it so you have some worry. Can you accept it like it is without driving yourself crazy? Like you said, he could always open up another secret email even if he gives you this one. Or email from work. There comes a point where you have to stop playing Whack-A-Mole because it could go on indefinitely.

Do each of you have a password protected account on the home computer? If you do, I would recommend sharing those passwords.

Some things are kept quiet by necessity. Does he have access here? Do you want him here? I'd say no, so you keep this place hidden and secret.